Partner of 16 years blindsided me with 'I'm not happy anymore and I don't love you' - how do you handle this?

[OppositeFeature]

My partner of 16 years totally and entirely blindsided me with 'I don't love you anymore and I'm not happy' October last year.

I could tell for a couple of months he was a bit unsettled but every time it came up it was more his dissatisfaction about his weight, feeling a bit lost in life (we are mid-late 30s, no kids). Also missing having friends close as all his long term best friends live in different countries across Europe.

in terms of our relationship it was as good as always, jokes, closeness, quality time as well as independent time like we have found have good balance in the last 5+ years. Our sex life definitely struggled in the last 3 years because busy with work, different schedules and a bit of a mismatch that I need some emotional closeness and intimacy lead up to get in the mood but we were still at it a couple of times a month.

now the biggest thing - we bought our first home together early 2025. It had been something we were both saving for, we were excited, we had many conversations about that choice and it was always a 100% yes from his side. Until summer 2025 he was still the same towards me; when he's half asleep or a bit drunk he'd always tell me how much he loves and me and saying he doesn't know what he would do without me and hopes I never leave him.

We celebrated our anniversary a couple of weeks before the bombshell. After our anniversary I had noticed he had stopped telling me he loves me e.g. when I was off on a trip or before bed or randomly as we do. I asked him about it one day feeling very emotional and then he told me he doesn't feel the same way about me anymore, sees me more as a companion and he 'doesn't want this anymore'.

That is really tough to hear out of the blue in the sense that nothing had changed in terms of our lives, behaviours, actions, nothing.

The problem is he can't tell me what changed, he cannot articulate what 'this' is that he doesn't want anymore. He cannot articulate what would make him happy, he did confirm he's also unhappy with his appearance and so on.

We spent many hours talking, he did say he didn't want to just end it and we do deserve to try and rekindle the love we had for so long. He also did a lot of self reflection, considers he has been people pleasing and saying yes for so long he's just kind of snapped and if he's not happy with himself, how can he be happy in a relationship.

It is 8 months later, what I observe are days in him where he acts mostly like his old self and I see absent mindedly he still reaches for me or reacts/talks//jokes like we always used to. Then there's the days he's shut off, distant and barely looks at me. Twice we've spoken about the situation we face, he tells me he's trying but it is really hard.

We spent a good 100k buying and settling into our home. It was kind of a forever home choice. Everything we've built up so far and the decisions made for our life has been for US. Joint decisions, never one person forcing their way.

To sell and move it would cost a fortune, I am mad about the fact that he committed to us and this house purchase and six months later does this to me. I also fully believe that he's maybe imagining something that's not realistic for whatever it is that he wants.

I love him deeply and I cannot imagine a life without him, especially because we've had it so good all this time. After 8 months though I am growing more resentful that he's wasted our money (we earn almost equally, me a bit more), crushing also my dreams for the future and he's not done much (anything?) to address the things he said he wants to work out for himself.

He can be quite stubborn in the sense that if he decides on something, it is quite set in stone and half the time it feels to me that because he's decided he doesn't want this anymore he will not even entertain the idea of focusing on the good and what a long term committed relationship feels like, and that love is an action, not just an emotion.

We do make effort to connect, we go on 'date nights', we are still intimate (both initiate), live our life together.

But fuck, where do we go from here? What do I do? Am I delusional for hoping we will reconcile? Is this a pre-mid life crisis for a man? is it normal in a 16 year relationship to just dust your hands and call it a day without upholding the commitment you have made to the relationship, the other person and the life you have built, and to try and overcome the difficult period?

I am so sad, so lost and I have nobody in my life to talk to about this because our friendship groups are so intertwined and all my individual friends know the partner after such a long time too. He has a friend in the US I have never met that he's apparently confided in about our situation.

You’re all lovely people and confirming what I have been feeling anyway – what’s done is done, why am I suffering because of him? I have read every word and thank you for the encouragement and reality check.

The ‘problem’ with the house sale is that we live in a country where there are a LOT of additional admin costs associated with a purchase and a sale, that is essentially burned money. So to sell the house now we’d have to get back a chunk more than our standing mortgage to break even.

I would be very salty to lose even more money than already lost, when if he decided he’s done before the purchase, I could have equally bought my solo dream home. But yes, it’s a hiccup in the bigger picture and can be dealt with. To be frank I believe he should gift me his part of the joint purchase of the house and mortgage paid off so far – I could easily cover the mortgage and costs by myself and not have to uproot everything about my life.

Addressing some questions:

• We were renting before the purchase, we were living in a city but knew we wanted to move somewhere quieter, a house (could not buy a house in the city), have a garden.. because you know joint plans and aspirations. Therefore we chose to rent, save money for the bigger move. Before the rental we were long distance/mid distance during uni and internships.
• Last 8 months, living like slightly too close roommates I guess? Probably not good for me at all, but in that regard we’ve each held up the obligations we’ve set up for our joint way of life, if that makes sense.
• No kids: quite young I knew it was not for me, and over the years as I have grown I know 100% it is not for me, not because of him by any means. He is 100% not into kids, he can’t deal with children/pets/chaos/noise/crying at all so I would be surprised if he’s changed his mind.
• Marriage: not something either of us pushed for as our relationship evolved and we felt very committed, it’s also something that’s never really interested me, not because I feared commitment (lol) but legally where we live we have the same ‘status’ as married people as legal cohabitants.
• The US friend – it is a woman, she’s a colleague of his from his previous team (worked together only virtually) – she’s some 10 or 15 years older, he’s always been very open about their work friendship and they met once last year. If he’s hopelessly in love with her, well lol. I have doubt but nothing is impossible.
• Him: not a super ambitious person, just solid, reliable, consistent generally – he’s happy with his job, but I agree the permanent WFH is not good for him (he used to by hybrid in the same job) and I see the difference in his mood when he once in a while goes to his office for some events or team things, vs. when he’s isolating himself. I have suggested therapy/counselling for him, supported all his fitness phases, plans, hobbies, but nothing lasts, and he’s one of those guys that thinks GPs and therapy is only in times of crisis.

In the last 8 months I’ve really recommitted to myself, also picking up the gym again, running, cycling, making more solo plans – I figured if I am shortly single I might as well be confident and interesting :)

As some of you have said, I will focus only on me going on, match his energy, focus on ramping up my savings (boo, I was excited to live more freely again having done the ‘big save’), focus on filling my own cup.

I will also ask him what his plan for our ‘divorce’ is, including financials and put him on the spot to commit to what he’s started. As we split our remaining money each month after all the joint stuff is allocated for, he’s been benefitting for a year from my bigger salary. He invests a bunch so it was kind of a given his investments will benefit us for nice holidays, house upgrades, etc, since it’s been partially subsidised by my salary. I hope that makes sense, not that we are so transactional but that’s how we kind of saw the finances working out.

Banishing him to the spare room or his office to sleep will have to be the next step, not sure either of us wants to go ‘public’ to our families (or friends) just yet until we figure out how we navigate this. There’s no animosity, I don’t we need to make it messy or complicated.

I’m still raw and mourning obviously but you are all right I need to get my shit together and live my best life. Will process for myself what I need and what needs to be done, I think I still need a couple of ugly cries in private.

Thanks for the update OP. The issue I see if in your country you both have the legal status for the house as if you married, I can’t see him leaving easily especially as he WFH.

Indeed we are equal owners legally. However I do I think he may have enough guilt to consider letting me have the house and starting fresh solo.

Especially since it would take at least 2-3 more years for us to have significant profit from this house.

But I don't know what he's been thinking or planning, he may have not even thought about this stuff at all. Hence I don't want him to leave me to plan and run our separation, as one commenter said. He should do his duty too.

Depending on the timeline, I could be in a position to buy him out. I do not feel that he would choose to stay in the house solo (offer to buy me out).

honestly posting last night was like taking a mountain of weight off my shoulders, I should have done it months ago. I had never put it all together and taken a step back to assess the situation I find myself in.

I'm inclined to agree. There is almost always someone else and they so rarely admit it.

Either way, it's over. Let him go. Can either of you by the other out? Get a female lodger?

I'm pleased that this thread has helped you OP. Best of luck for the future.

I always say this all depends on how much of this is panic/ depression/ mid life stuff buttttt-there has to be a point where if he’s still saying I don’t know etc - that’s not ok for you. If he said I’m depressed etc you could help him through it but you need to live your life too, I know it’s so hard but you need to learn to live life and live life without him and then if he’s in it, great, if not, that can be great too x

This thread has been enormously helpful to me too!!

’money is just numbers on a piece of paper’ that is so true.

I will honestly take that with me for the rest of my life. Thank you so much for writing that here today. You are so right.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. All previous posters are right. It's time to be done now. If things don't work out the way you hope with the house, you may lose some money. Ultimately it will be inconsequential because of the peace you will have not having to tie yourself into knots hoping he is going to change his mind. You deserve better. Please remember that. Hugs to you.

Let him go and start again. You were young when you got together. Feelings change.

I left my first ‘early marriage’ ex after 25 years. No one else involved. Just grown out of each other. It happens.

You have an incredible amount of emotional intelligence. Good luck with everything 💐

Hi op this is shit for you. You say he met the woman last year do you think he’s felt something with her considering he’s opened up to her? Never say never about falling for someone else. I think you should ask him to move out just to give you time to process everything now it’s over and you are not going to carry on without love. Ask him what his intentions are about selling the house? Can you afford to buy him out? Don’t try to live together. Op because this will drag it out there is another poster on here going through something similar but they are married with kids. It’s killing her living in the house knowing he doesn’t love her.

Although he is a bit young this looks like a bit if a mid life crisis tbh

Haa he been looking at life and not living it?

Also why did he decide to go ahead with buying a house with you! Seems strange if he was so unhappy.

Let him go. And let him sort his own problems out

He went ahead with the house ourchase because he wanted somewhere nice to live and didnt want to split up and have to fund himself. Selfish self preservation.

Whats he been doing whilst youve been off keeping busy? Youve both been stuffing your heads in the sand!!

Op, youre worrying far too much about him. Its no longer your problem and he has made it clear he doesnt want you to treat him as a much loved partner.

Work out the cosr of selling the house or keeping it, work out who pays for what.
And from.now on stop sharing your income. I doubt youll get any of it back

Your only hope is he agrees to meet more than 50 % costs. I exoect he might wake up a bit when you suggest its not a 50% split. He is not on your side.

Stop cooking, cleaning, sleeping in the same room, and set a date to get it all over by. The past is the past. Cant change it.

If things haven't changed in 8 months, then they are not going to. Dont waste your life waiting because the chances are, the relationship will never get back to how it was or how you want it. Start planning, however painful to rid yourself of a man who doesnt love you . Good luck

I think this relationship has run its course and he should leave. 💐

Get the house valued and put on the market. You can't live like this. You need to separate your lives however painful. He has told you how he feels- how do YOU feel living with someone who doesn't love you, really? Be proactive, stop letting HIM decide.

Sorry if I missed a comment about this already, but as much as anything to get to the bottom of what has torpedoed your relationship, have you considered couples therapy?

I suggested it at the time he first told me, he said he's not a fan of therapy (he's never had it though?) but was willing.

In parallel, he was also supposed to set up personal counselling through work (they have a bunch of nice perks like that) but he didn't follow through on that.

He is from a family that doesn't talk about feelings, so I'm sure the idea of therapy is terrifying. I told him the personal counselling is a must anyways if he's so unhappy with him himself and said he's lost interest in his day to day things, he agreed but here we are.

That's as far as it got; like others have said here it can't all be down to me to 'sort'.

He sounds depressed. I’ve been there - therapy helped (or indeed, fixed me, eventually). But I think couples therapy would help in parallel to that, to help you get closure.

He can’t be bothered to help himself, he can’t be arsed to be in a relationship or to take steps to fix any issues he has with it and he can’t make the effort to leave it either.

He would be just as happy living back with his parents I imagine. Nothing expected of him and someone else dealing with all the grown up stuff.

I know someone this happened to. The house buying was a catalyst. They tried selling the house and buying somewhere that he felt more 'him' (although she had loved the first house) because he complained he'd been nagged into buying the first one. He chose the second one, and loved it.

But his dissatisfaction was more within himself, although he blamed the house. He finally decided that he didn't want the tie of house ownership and it blew up their entire ten year relationship. He'd fallen out of love with himself basically and it meant he couldn't be happy anywhere, with anyone.

You have to let him go. He has to realise that he is the problem (if he is, and he hasn't just decided that the grass looks greener everywhere else).

This absolutely sums up my husband! Back with his mother having everything done for him and sees the kids there 2 days a week where she also does all the parenting for him. I honestly think he is absolutely happy and fine with this. All his needs are being met- his needs being no responsibility or expectation of doing anything.

My ex kissed me goodbye as normal as he went off to work in the morning, and by that evening he'd told me it was over and had moved out.

After the blindsided feeling subsided, I was so angry he'd never tried to deal with or even mention how he was feeling before it was too late.

But you need to let him go. After a few months it became clear my ex was trying to edge round the idea of reconciliation, but I knew I'd never be able to fully trust him again - I'd always be wondering if he was truly happy or just "settling" for me.

That's almost certainly what you will end up like - he's already shown you he can string you along once, so you'll forever be on pins wondering if it is happening again. As the saying goes: "make a fool of me once, shame on you. Make of a fool of me twice, shame on me".

These are textbook depression symptoms. It sounds pretty severe too. Often depression can be paralysing. You can’t do anything even if you desperately want to. It can get so bad, that some people can’t even get out of bed, get dressed, take a shower. It is the illness rather than laziness or unwillingness to sort things. And yes, therapy can be terrifying because you have to be vulnerable with a stranger.

anyway, with the detailed description you have provided it’s clear he hasn’t checked out of the relationship, he has checked out of life. That’s a mental health problem, not a relationship problem.

That may be true but it's his problem not the OP's.