My partner of 16 years totally and entirely blindsided me with 'I don't love you anymore and I'm not happy' October last year.
I could tell for a couple of months he was a bit unsettled but every time it came up it was more his dissatisfaction about his weight, feeling a bit lost in life (we are mid-late 30s, no kids). Also missing having friends close as all his long term best friends live in different countries across Europe.
in terms of our relationship it was as good as always, jokes, closeness, quality time as well as independent time like we have found have good balance in the last 5+ years. Our sex life definitely struggled in the last 3 years because busy with work, different schedules and a bit of a mismatch that I need some emotional closeness and intimacy lead up to get in the mood but we were still at it a couple of times a month.
now the biggest thing - we bought our first home together early 2025. It had been something we were both saving for, we were excited, we had many conversations about that choice and it was always a 100% yes from his side. Until summer 2025 he was still the same towards me; when he's half asleep or a bit drunk he'd always tell me how much he loves and me and saying he doesn't know what he would do without me and hopes I never leave him.
We celebrated our anniversary a couple of weeks before the bombshell. After our anniversary I had noticed he had stopped telling me he loves me e.g. when I was off on a trip or before bed or randomly as we do. I asked him about it one day feeling very emotional and then he told me he doesn't feel the same way about me anymore, sees me more as a companion and he 'doesn't want this anymore'.
That is really tough to hear out of the blue in the sense that nothing had changed in terms of our lives, behaviours, actions, nothing.
The problem is he can't tell me what changed, he cannot articulate what 'this' is that he doesn't want anymore. He cannot articulate what would make him happy, he did confirm he's also unhappy with his appearance and so on.
We spent many hours talking, he did say he didn't want to just end it and we do deserve to try and rekindle the love we had for so long. He also did a lot of self reflection, considers he has been people pleasing and saying yes for so long he's just kind of snapped and if he's not happy with himself, how can he be happy in a relationship.
It is 8 months later, what I observe are days in him where he acts mostly like his old self and I see absent mindedly he still reaches for me or reacts/talks//jokes like we always used to. Then there's the days he's shut off, distant and barely looks at me. Twice we've spoken about the situation we face, he tells me he's trying but it is really hard.
We spent a good 100k buying and settling into our home. It was kind of a forever home choice. Everything we've built up so far and the decisions made for our life has been for US. Joint decisions, never one person forcing their way.
To sell and move it would cost a fortune, I am mad about the fact that he committed to us and this house purchase and six months later does this to me. I also fully believe that he's maybe imagining something that's not realistic for whatever it is that he wants.
I love him deeply and I cannot imagine a life without him, especially because we've had it so good all this time. After 8 months though I am growing more resentful that he's wasted our money (we earn almost equally, me a bit more), crushing also my dreams for the future and he's not done much (anything?) to address the things he said he wants to work out for himself.
He can be quite stubborn in the sense that if he decides on something, it is quite set in stone and half the time it feels to me that because he's decided he doesn't want this anymore he will not even entertain the idea of focusing on the good and what a long term committed relationship feels like, and that love is an action, not just an emotion.
We do make effort to connect, we go on 'date nights', we are still intimate (both initiate), live our life together.
But fuck, where do we go from here? What do I do? Am I delusional for hoping we will reconcile? Is this a pre-mid life crisis for a man? is it normal in a 16 year relationship to just dust your hands and call it a day without upholding the commitment you have made to the relationship, the other person and the life you have built, and to try and overcome the difficult period?
I am so sad, so lost and I have nobody in my life to talk to about this because our friendship groups are so intertwined and all my individual friends know the partner after such a long time too. He has a friend in the US I have never met that he's apparently confided in about our situation.