Twentieth anniversary and struggling with anger over the marriage ending

[NameChangeMay2026]

I've just posted about all my dead wedding guests in AIBU, but it's officially my twentieth wedding anniversary today - not divorced yet - and I need to vent!

Not to go into the whole sorry saga, but he was SUCH an arsehole after he'd got me trapped, having previously love-bombed the crap out of me. And he worked himself up into such a lather of contempt towards me that he eventually left me.

But here's the thing: Nobody could have a more faithful, more loving, kinder, nicer wife than me! I had no problem with lifelong commitment. I'd have looked after him in his old age and any illness. I never for one moment gave a thought to anyone else while we were together, and never would. I'm pleasant and cheerful to be with, and people say I'm pretty. I'm sure lots of people would love to be married to someone like me! 😢😭 I'm like a human version of a golden retriever. But it all went unappreciated. He just hated me.

I always thought things would get better, and it wasn't horrible all the time. I was determined to stick it out. But he ruined everything. For NO reason!

I can't help looking at other long-term marriages around me and feeling so envious when they go on nice holidays with their long-term spouses. It's not the holiday itself, it's that they have a reliable life partner whom they've known for a long time to go travelling with. And the fact that they are really starting to accumulate the rewards of a life together.

I HATE him for destroying my future and my stability. I hate him for being such a rubbish partner that I don't have the comfort of a lifelong partner at this age.

Normally I'm OK with things, but this twentieth anniversary has got to me. I think it's bringing me face to face with everything he destroyed.

I fucking, fucking, fucking hate him.

I'm divorced and I don't understand this at all. My ex cheated on me with sex workers and I despite my feelings in the following year or so, I dont feel anything vaguely like you do now. Its been seven years for me

All the stuff about how lovely you are and how you would have looked after him until the end no matter all the shit - that is a reflection on you! He didn't destroy your future! He is clearly a piece of shit - more fool you for sticking by him

And now you've wasted another nine years working yourself up over it? Why? Life is way to short

Don't get into another relationship if you think they're all shits, just find happiness on your own

Well, we are not all the same, are we. Good for you for getting over it in a year, but we are not divorced yet, and I turned my entire life upside down for him - we emigrated. I gained a lot and lost a lot. It's complicated.

And I haven't wasted nine years. I don't normally feel like this. This twentieth anniversary has really thrown me for a loop.

All this stuff you did for him, emigrating, turning your life upside down, whatever it might be when he wasn't treating you well - that's not the badge of honour you think it is

You have no idea what went on in my situation, what I gave up, went through. I didn’t just get over it in a year

I had a breakdown a few years ago after my dad died. My ex helped me through it

If you're a doormat, people will tread on you. If you can rack up the amount of hate pouring out of your first post nine years later then something is wrong

Sorry, I know I sound horrible. I really dont mean to. But I just dont think hearing platitudes is helpful in this situation, nine years later

If you're a doormat, people will tread on you. If you can rack up the amount of hate pouring out of your first post nine years later then something is wrong

Spot on!

You'll probably feel better when you've got the divorce over with. 9 years is so long to be separated without divorcing. No wonder you're angry. That's a lot of effort and hope wasted but it is what it is. Don't waste another second.

Well, you said you felt like me only for your first year after your divorce, so I can only go by what you wrote.

Spot on, my arse. I know someone whose husband died in a car crash just after she'd had their seventh baby, twenty years ago. Two years ago, she killed herself just before the anniversary, even though she had so much to live for, objectively. And even though it had happened 18 years before.

It is not useful to play judge and jury on how long people should grieve and how they should feel at what points.

Thanks. Yeah, I stopped hoping some years ago, but the divorce has been delayed by my dad's long cancer journey and by having to deal with his estate etc.

I don't need to be kicked today, thank you. I'd have thought you could see that, but kicking the OP, no matter how down she is, is a tradition on MN. Perhaps you'd better take yourself to other threads and stay off this one.

He didn’t love you. As hard as that is to hear it seems to be true and you are therefore better off without him. Nobody needs to spend the rest of their life with someone who doesn’t want to be with them and love them 100%. You deserve better.

Well, if he didn't, why did he say so very much and very often that he did? I mean, the marriage - it was all his idea. He's the one who proposed. I didn't hold his arm behind his back and force him at gunpoint. I wasn't pregnant. I never even mentioned marriage to him. And throughout our marriage, he often said he loved me.

But I don't think he can love anyone.

I have no respect for someone who professes to love someone so much, takes vows to love them forever, and then changes their mind for no good reason. How utterly pathetic. And so wrong, to entice someone like that, weave their way into their heart, and then do what he did.

If people can't live up to the marriage vows, they shouldn't bloody make them. If they want the freedom to flakily fall out of love for no reason other than that it's a Wednesday, fine. But don't get married.

You are hurting so much it’s heartbreaking but HE did this to you. He has hurt you badly and anyone who can hurt you this much does not deserve you.

I know you are having a moment, but it does seem unhealthy to be framing the end of this marriage in the way that you are doing. I was with an abusive man for 25 years (met him very young) - I too had the dream of growing old and staying true to my vows with one person. It was not to be, and I am very very glad it wasn't with him. I would have been miserable. But, I'm also glad I have the chance to hit the reset button. And relationships in midlife are (in my experience) far simpler and better because you know yourself much better and you won't settle for just anyone. I see lots of my friends in 'long' marriages - very few of them are truly happy - some have accepted the slow march of togetherness till death do them part, some lead separate live, some get along fine but have no sex/chemistry etc. Whereas I am in the throes of a relative fresh relationship - having lots of adventures and fun!

I also benefited from therapy - helped me see why I had stayed in an abusive relationship, and helped me make sense of my childhood/insecurities/triggers etc. It adjusted my self-image, deepened my self-awareness, and helped me be in a healthier relationship. You might benefit from some counseling.

Can I ask what have you done to help yourself come to terms with your feelings? Have you had counselling, because it sounds like you might benefit from it. Your anger and upset after being separated for so long appears to be negatively impacting your life.

No, you're not allowed to ask, given the date. I'm allowed my feelings on a milestone date like a twentieth anniversary. It doesn't mean that it's impacting my whole life. I bloody hate it when people try to make out there's something wrong with you for having feelings on a date like that.

I feel much better now than I did on Weds.

Maybe some PP should read up on the psychology of anniversary grief reactions. And I do think that people who haven't been there shouldn't give criticising advice. There is nothing wrong with me having an anniversary grief reaction. If PP knew about those, they would know that they can happen many years hence.

I'm glad for the PP who don't get it.

I think you keep mentioning a milestone anniversary reached but aside from paperwork, you havent. You are technically still married because you haven't filled paperwork but for pretty much half of it, you havent been together. You say yourself you split 9.5 years ago. So you were married a little over 10 years and almost 10 years has been spent dwelling.

Perhaps seek some counselling to figure how you can move on rather than spending another 10 years dwelling on the relationship and perhaps you can find happiness again. I think the length of a marriage isnt as important as the happiness of it.

It just seems such a waste to spend year after year dragging yourself down, its a shame the marriage didnt last but I think you could find a way to move on and be happy and could have already spent years in a happy relationship if you allowed yourself to move on. I hope you find a way to move forward.

I totally get this. I'm in the same situation seeing my friends with their long marriages and I'm divorced (through no fault of my own).

I said in a previous post that we spent a few years trying to work it out, so we haven't been out of a relationship for all 9.5 of those years, we just haven't been living together. And it doesn't matter that we've been apart. It's a milestone of everything that could have been.....you just don't understand. You don't get it. Or you wouldn't be so judgemental and so sure that something is so wrong. Please, for the love of God, read about grief anniversaries if you want to say something useful.

Some of the judgement on this thread is unreal. The privilege of not having a fucking clue about this kind of heartbreak.

It takes one who's been there to understand, unlike many of the unhelpful commenters on this thread who haven't been there and don't have the first clue.

You have been there, and you got it immediately.

I understand it was your wedding anniversary, so extra raw and painful for you.

But if you think your cousin's marriage, where he constantly cheats on and mistreats his doormat of a wife who stays with him no matter what, is an example of a good marriage that makes you feel envious and resentful... I think you might benefit from talking things through in therapy, or just letting go of that anger and choosing to move forward, because it's just plain silly to be envious of that.

Actually (finally) divorce the man, and allow yourself to move on with life. Plenty of people go through painful divorces (I know many), but it doesn't doom you to misery forever unless you want it to.

I haven't had this grief reaction on other anniversaries. The twentieth is just so significant. Took me by surprise.

I'm sorry it was so rough for you - I hope that next year at this time, you'll be able to look back and think how much life has changed for the better ❤