Unsure whether to end relationship over values clash and growing feelings

[FunnyUmberPoster]

I (26M) am 5 months into a relationship with my girlfriend (26F). In the early stages I really liked her qualities but recently I have come to discover a personality thorn I cannot remove: she is a little selfish and judgmental. It's subtle so I have often moved past it, but often hearing her judgmental attitude saps my energy. She is specifically judgey about prestige, clothing, and other people's quirks. She also rarely smiles when she is with me, and when I asked her why, she reacted by emotionally receding, deadly cold. The things that seems to connect us is her commitment to me emotionally, the emotional trust we have established, and incredible sex. I have told her that her attitude and tone bother me and I wish she could see differently about other people, but she has not changed. I also don't like her friends because they are similarly judgmental and gossip in a judgmental way.

That's when I reconnected with a situationship (24F) who was a housemate for 3 weeks. We had and still have incredible chemistry. She is really kind and smart (super fun and imaginative) and a great communicator. After talking she said she wanted to reconnect; she acknowledged that we had good conversational chemistry together, and she thinks I'm funny. When asked, her romantic situation was complicated and she said she doesn't know what she wants. She sad she also didn't want to hurt anyone. She said she wanted to be friends, so I said let's be friends. Somehow that has made her open up, be flirty, and now she is making future plans with me for the summer (all date-like). I have not moved these plans forward as I know these would be boundary crossing.

I don't want to emotionally cheat because I value the emotional trust my gf and I have established together. However, I do think the values piece is chafing me (and probably her as well). I also know this situationship is risky but I also want to have fun with her and explore this relationship (go to concerts, museums, altered mental state experiences). Is there a world in which I do these activities with my "friend" and remain in my relationship? Or should I breakup with my gf and then do these activities with my friend? Or should I double down with my gf and try to workout the values clash more thoroughly (which seems really hard and requires a lot of patience)?

Not liking her friends is a red flag on your part.

I disagree. You can tell a lot about a person by the company they keep!

If you end up in a relationship with someone, it's reasonable to expect that they will become a part of your life too on some level.

I've ended it with someone I've been dating because I didn't like his friends, or the way he behave/spoke when he was with his friends. That's reasonable.

What's unreasonable or a red flag is expecting them to change (either themselves or their friends).

The only thing that connects you and your gf is the incredible sex. And that's ok. Just be honest about it. All this stuff about emotional trust and emotional commitment- what does it even mean when you are just 5 months in? And clearly there isn't that much 'emotional connection' between you two, as you are willing to explore things with your situationship too. Break up with your gf because if her behaviour irritates you now, it isn't going to get any better. She isn't going to change her qualities.

The first words are "I (26M)". So this is supposed to be written by a 26 year old man who just happened to think Mumsnet would be the best place to ask about his 25 year old GF whilst using expressions such as "good conversational chemistry" and "the values piece is chafing me".

Apologies. That'll teach me to comment before I have my first cuppa of the day.

Happens to the best of us😁. Especially before coffee or tea.

Taking this all at face value: break up with your girlfriend either way.

I mean, it is possible for a woman to have toxic personality traits, these aren’t just male attributes!! I dislike judgy negative people, so I think her ‘attitude and tone’ would bother me too.

There’s a fine line between asking someone to change and calling out obnoxious behaviour.

"altered mental state experiences"??

But anyway you dont want your GF and your situationship... 1. She likes the chase, it wont lead to more 2. All these "date" things with someone who used to be intimate with you would be cheating.

Most people’s personalities are fixed around 25 years old or younger.

What you see is what you get. When someone shows you their personality - believe them.

I don’t touch anyone who’s selfish. It seeps out in all sorts of things: sex - when they want, what they want, your needs discounted, grocery shopping, you say you like this, she won’t buy as she wants what she likes. You want to see your family one weekend, she puts her own family above yours. You want to see your friends, she puts her friends above yours. You put money in a joint account, she squirrels hers away. You want to buy a joint car, you pay half or more, she buys the car she want. You buy a home together, she buys the home she wants with your money, in the location she wants - near her family and friends. She decorates the home the way she wants.

You’re at home watching TV, you end up watching the shows she wants.

you have kids, she picks the names she wants.

Soon you are in a marriages which is all one-sided because of her selfish mean behaviour.

incidentally, selfishness usually goes hand in hand with cheating. Again, it’s down to the fact that the selfish person want it all their own way and feels they deserve it.

Regarding the judgmental attitude. It’s all fine until your girlfriend makes a mistake, is fired from her job, parents split up, relative in an accident. Things go wrong in her life, has medical issues, she makes a stupid mistake. Then she is in floods of tears demanding that people should be more compassionate & not everything is black and white, why don’t people understand, life is so hard, blah blah, she demands sympathy for her own stupid mistakes caused entirely by her own making, but she’s quick to condemn others. Then the shoe is on the other foot. Some people can’t see their own hypocrisy. Tone deaf to their own virtue signalling.

AI, surely.

End it, move on.

That’s a very long-winded OP which boils down to:

I don’t particularly like my girlfriend, but she’s a cracking shag and she seems committed so I’m kind of onto a good thing…there’s someone else I like more, but she’s a bit flaky and I’m not sure she actually wants me. I’m hedging my bets, but I feel like a bit of a shit.”

Break up with your girlfriend. You don’t like her personality and deserves to be with someone who does (and isn’t eyeing up someone else).

If something happens with the “situationship”, great. If it doesn’t, you may need to be single for a bit, it’s not the end of the world. I’ve noticed that men often struggle to let go of the vine they’re swinging on until they’re sure of their grip on the next one. And it very often involves a period of being dishonest and unfair to two women.

It seems like you know your GF is emotionally attached to you, you don’t like her personality but do like having sex with her. If that sums it up then you are using her, don’t you think?

It’s not a good relationship, so you are right, should end it. But why on earth are you contemplating getting involved in another messy relationship? Unless you get a kick out of drama just find someone you are compatible with who is free and ready to enjoy a healthy relationship.

Sounds like AI

Sorry, I can’t get past the very strange language used by the OP. Is it written by AI?

this is why we date and start relationships though? to find out if we are compatible enough for something longer term. Your values don't match, end it (amicably) and move on.

Cheating on someone is vile, and no matter what their personality is, always makes you lower than the lowest. Clean break, move on.

I could have shortened this whole post to; I am in a relationship with someone I enjoy great sex with at the moment, but I connect more with someone else who I would prefer to have a relationship with, but she’s come across as not that into me and I don’t want to lose the great sex for the other situation to come to nothing.