Son insecure due to his facial disfigurement

[CheekyHiker]

my son who is 25 was born with a facial disfigurment and although he did have surgery to correct it when he was young but it left surgery scars, when he was in primary school he did get picked on unfortinaly although as he got older it stopped but when he reached puberty I remember him saying to me that he will never attract any girls because of the way he looks. He never had any GF's but he told me that he has no choice but to be "scary" because of his facial disfigurment and he heard that if your an ugly guy then just be scary because women are attracted to it. He got into martial arts and the gym during puberty, he also got into fights and got arrested a few times. He swears on the bible that he has never once started a fight or been a bully because he knows what its like to be bullied but then says that people start on him because he has a "reputation", he also won a Mixed martial arts tournament when he was 17 but doesnt fight competitive now but still trains. He is very fit and athletic, runs 5 miles a day and he is always training. He is also very career driven and recently got a mortgage on his own, he reads lots of books on philisophy and law. However, he has told me about his dating struggles and he even said that he is still a virgin who has never kissed or hugged a woman. He has given up on dating apps and is worried that he will never have kids, his younger brother has had GF's and all his work collegues have kids/partners. Although he has a facial disfigurment but he is tall, very athletic, he does have a good sense of fashion, no bad habbits, a mortgage and I told him that its not all about the looks. He also says many women wouldnt want kids with me because they'd think that our kids would come out with the same facial disfigurment (its not hereditary by the way). He also told me that back in school he heard a group of girls say "Ew not him" and another said "he's rotten" when they were talking about boys that they fancied. He said that it hurt him more than any punch or boot to the head he has got, he also got stabbed one time on the back shoulder after a gang jumped him but said that it felt worse what those group of girls said. I've tried getting him help and to talk to people but said that it never worked because his surgery scars are still there

And again, he’s wrong, and is clearly deriving his ideas from incel rhetoric.

Okay: his reasons were plainly stated and you replied as if he had tried to claim different reasons.

@CheekyHiker I feel for you and your son. You're obviously a lovely caring mum who is upset by what he's gone through. I feel for your son because his self esteem has taken a real battering.

I just wanted to say a man who has been to prison wouldn't necessarily put me off (depending on what it was for, obviously rape/murder/domestic violence are complete no-nos). I say that as someone who has never so much as had a parking ticket before. Someone who has learned from their mistakes and put active steps in place to prevent the situation reoccurring is something to be proud of 🤷‍♀️

He needs to do some fitness type hobbies. Maybe join a run club? Find ways to meet new people and get some friends that align. He’s more likely to meet someone that way. As some in my late 20s, dating apps are hard work. Just needs to work on himself and building friendships with people like himself so he can meet someone with similar interests

That's a different story OP. There is a difference between getting inadvertently caught up in a fight defending someone, and being arrested, convicted and serving time. I also found the comment from one of the girls interesting, when they described him as 'rotten'. Not ugly or unattractive, but rotten. That suggests the issue is about his persona and behaviour, not his looks. Its understandable that you might be giving him more grace because of what he has been through with his facial disfigurement but although people can be fickle and shallow around looks, that doesn't mean that he will never have a partner. He needs to seek help with his mental health, self-esteem and anger issues, otherwise he'll never have a long healthy relationship.

His facial difference won’t be a barrier to dating, being so violent he can’t trust himself to walk into a club and having spent time in prison will be a huge issue. He also seems hell bent on intimidating people, or as you call it coming across as scary, so making himself visibly look like a danger, what woman will want to spend time alone with someone who sells themselves as dangerous and violent?

What support did he have as a child regarding his facial difference?

Dating apps are not the best because you are solely judged on looks. Only a few percent will read the bio, but only if they like the look of you

You said in your OP he’s been arrested several times, though.

And while no one is suggesting that the gang members he put in hospital are thoroughly nice chaps, if your son was given a custodial sentence for this incident and served at least part of it, it was (a) clearly quite serious — it’s not that easy to get a prison sentence for a fight these days, and (b) the police clearly didn’t believe that he was an innocent bystander who only got involved for the selfless reason that he was afraid the guy being set upon would be killed.

Fighting and violence though? Putting someone in hospital?

I'd say they wee in the same category of crimes as the ones you listed.

Why did no one put a stop to him being picked on way back in primary school?

I'd imagine it's his attitude more than his scars that puts women off. It sounds like he expects to be judged and rejected and that probably comes across.

Prison... again?

Not wanting to date an ex-con would be top of my list, way, WAY above what someone looks like.

If he has genuinely turned his life around, he should be demonstrating that. Volunteering, training youngsters for example, in order to show who he is now, and that there are better paths to take.

As someone who has a face full of deep scars I kind of understand where he's coming from. When you've spent most of your childhood and early adulthood being mocked, stared at and made to feel repulsive just by daring to be out and about it can take a heavy toll. You put up a barrier in order to protect yourself against a world that can be cruel if you don't conform to society's expectations of "attractiveness". Having said that violence is not the way to go about it which I'm sure he knows.
There are products and videos to help minimize the scarring but, like a lot of men he maybe sees it as "make-up" and therefore not something a "real man" would consider but, with practice, it can be a game changer when it comes to boosting confidence.
My opinion FWIW is that he should be strongly encouraged to seek counselling in order to come to terms with his looks as I'll bet a kidney that once he gets to that point everything will change for him. He cannot expect others not to judge him when he clearly judges himself. If he stops the self-hate, drops the barrier and not use violence then life will get better.

This man needs therapy
again - NOT CBT
if he won’t do that I don’t think things can change for him

Time and time again women are asked about the qualities they look for in a partner, good sense of humor is always top, along with loyalty, kindness, intelligence … in no survey anywhere has a woman put “fighting” at the top of the list.

Plenty of men (and women) with facial disfigurements have partners, because they are nice people, and attract other nice people.

I am really sorry to hear your story.
Let's be honest: the vast majority of us have some challenges, whether physical or emotional, and many people struggle with fears around intimacy. It is not uncommon for people in their mid-twenties or older to be single, inexperienced in relationships, or still virgins.
That said, obvious facial scarring can undoubtedly make finding a partner more difficult.
I would recommend finding a professional coach or therapist who could help boost your son's confidence and self-esteem, and help him develop a more positive outlook on meeting potential partners. The goal would be to bring back the joy, confidence, and spark that make social interactions and relationships feel more natural and rewarding.

There is a charity for people with facial disfigurement. Could you see if there is a support network?