Am I overreacting about my partner’s attitude to our growing family?

[FTMLyReGr]

Looking for advice -
My partner and I have a 2 year old, and he is not happy that I am pregnant again (with twins, it was unplanned and very unexpected), and when he was told said it was a massive mistake and that it will ruin our daughter’s life.
He’s not saying things like that anymore. But there are a few things I’m quite concerned about going forward - he works 16 hours a week and thinks it’s acceptable to live off of his inheritance (which is not of a meaningful size, and won’t help our children much when they are older), has no intention of working more to help cover the costs while I’m off on maternity. And he is resisting clearing the spare room for the twins, insisting he needs his own space for his exercise bike, a TV, games consoles and a desk. I can respect the need for your own space, and I have suggested using some of his inheritance for an outbuilding, but he does not want to do this. There is no space in the rest of the house for his things, as downstairs is open planned, and a lot of space is taken up by children’s things.
He also sleeps on a sofa bed rather than in our bed, and doesn’t want to eat dinner with us. It doesn’t feel like much of a partnership at all to be honest. Do you think these are big issues, or am I blowing it out of proportion?

Sounds like its been over for a while. I think its time to make plans rather than live in limbo. He doesnt want more children, he doesnt even want to clear the spare room for them.

Well why should you respect him? Respect is earned. It's not something you can demand while your partner is coping with twin pregnancy, taking all of the mental load, a huge chunk of the current parenting and you know and everyone around you knows that you are barely pulling your weight at one.

Do what you can to get him gone. Either it will be the shock he needs to sort himself out or it will give you a chance to cope through the first months. It would be better for you for him to support your daughter from outside the home as much as possible than to be in it while you have to do everything.

He doesnt deserve any respect. You are scraping the bottom of the barrel.

Are these big issues?
Is the Pope catholic?
Oh, sister...🤦‍♀️

I wouldn't worry too much on that score: he's the type who will have a toddler and two babies on his own for about two days and then decide he's not so keen on 50-50 after all.

OP, why do you want to pursue this pregnancy?

You cannot look after and raise 3 babies on your own, it would be madness. Don’t go ruin your life and theirs.

He has the right to 50/50 custody, but he won't go for it - it will be too much work. I'm sorry but this isn't a relationship, there is nothing healthy in what you're describing. The thought of sharing custody is not a reason to waste your life on this fool, it really isn't.

I'm significantly older than you OP and have been through two marriages. I'm sorry but this relationship is over and you seriously need to prepare to be a single parent, which will be very tough and you will need help. Don't waste time and energy picking fault with him (there is too much already here in your post), you need to keep him on side when you do split, as you will need a break and childcare. In the likely event he doesn't step up, sadly you can't force him to do so and nor can the courts. All they can do is force him to contribute financially, and you will be entitled to some benefits depending upon how much you earn. Good luck and stay strong.

He behaves and acts like a child himself..how can he resent the teins and not want to set up a bedroom?
Op this is horrible and I hope some part of your life is pleasabt despite your over grown child who wont work more than a 16hr week...
Sleeping on the couch..not eating with you.
Prized prick
I hope you invite pleantly of decent people around to fill that void and need for support.

Jesus Christ, I have a gormless 19 year old student son who works more hours and takes more responsibility around the house than this. He is pathetic, how COULD you respect him?

What a useless shit he is. You need to accept that the relationship is over and see a solicitor. Time to start planning on a practical level how you will manage. As others have said, don't worry about his access to the children - he can't pick and choose which he has and no way will he do 50-50 with all three once the babies are old enough to be away from you. Do you have support elsewhere? Parents? Is it too much to hope your ILs might have your back?

She’s 23 weeks gone….

It's a dead relationship and he is clearly a massive dick. That said, I'm not going to downplay your custody concerns and you are realistically unlikely to want to leave him pregnant or postpartum with twins (unless things escalate).

Honestly, in your circumstances I'd just do what I needed to do to make a nice life for me and my children and try to squirrel some cash away until there's an easier exit point. That may not be particularly noble but it is an option.

About his games room, there is no choice because the twins need a room, so could you say to him "look, they need a room and twins usually come early, they need a space for their baby stuff, you have 1 month before I'll be getting someone to help me move your stuff out of that room because like it or not, there isn't another option"?

Nope.

This is turning into abuse. So no.

Legal advice pronto. The OP would be better off financially and mentally without this manchild around

What a huge man child

He’s staying with you for financial reasons, because the current set up allows him to just do a 16 hour week. Get rid. He’ll soon see it’s not feasible to run a home on his own on a 16 hour job, even with a modest inheritance. He sounds awful. It will be hard for you being single with twins arriving too, but I can’t think it will be much harder than if you remained with him. You’re treated how you allow yourself to be treated. Don’t allow it.

Don't end the relationship whilst the babies are very young.
Having this pathetic man-child in the house will be better than being totally on your own.
Bide your time, use him for as much help as he is willing to give (physical and financial) over the next year, then re-assess when the babies are a bit older and the 2 year old is then 3 and going to nursery regularly.

As was said previously, the courts will not let him have 50/50 of just one child, he will need to take all three, or none of them.
Which means he won't be wanting them 50/50 when you do eventually split.

OP throw this one back. What a waste of space! Anyone can play with their daughter nicely if they’re not doing the bulk of the actual work - or going out to work! Do you have family nearby?

He sounds like a loser

Oh OP, please get as much help as you can elsewhere. I’m so sorry but this man is not a good dad and is a terrible partner. You’d be better off on your own even though it will be hard. I had to rely on nursery when my husband left me with a toddler and a baby. It was the only break I had and I don’t know how I would’ve coped without. I had no family support but I really hope you do.

He sounds quite childlike. He's got a lovely comfy routine, little bit of work, some gaming, a child to occasionally play with and a partner who facilitates this because if he's challenged he defensively resorts to oh you don't respect me. I'm not sure anyone would actually respect a man child, who shirks responsibility. He needs to grow up but it may be sensible to decide how long you are giving him to do that. Them if he doesn't, cut your losses.

What a useless man. I’d be very surprised if he’d go for 50/50.

It sounds like the partnership is completely over so I'd start preparing to formally separate. It's unfortunate that you'll lose time with your daughter but there's nothing left to save.

Regarding the twins, it sounds from your post that there was no prior discussion and you just informed him of your pregnancy? If that's the case, and you made a unilateral decision to have more kids, I can see why he's reacted badly.

Goodness me, so you sort food out for dd, do bed, bath and just about everything…so how can he do 50/50 if he can’t even parent her? Who is going to have dd when you give birth? I’ve had twins and they were prem and in hospital for 6 weeks…twin births can be very complex and high risk. Do you have family who can help as it sounds like he won’t cope with dd on his own…much less twin babies 🫤

You need to take control of your own life here and start making smart decisions, this guy is only going to get worse