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Original poster

Am I overreacting about my partner’s attitude to our growing family?

112 replies

FTMLyReGr · 30/05/2026 17:04

Looking for advice -
My partner and I have a 2 year old, and he is not happy that I am pregnant again (with twins, it was unplanned and very unexpected), and when he was told said it was a massive mistake and that it will ruin our daughter’s life.
He’s not saying things like that anymore. But there are a few things I’m quite concerned about going forward - he works 16 hours a week and thinks it’s acceptable to live off of his inheritance (which is not of a meaningful size, and won’t help our children much when they are older), has no intention of working more to help cover the costs while I’m off on maternity. And he is resisting clearing the spare room for the twins, insisting he needs his own space for his exercise bike, a TV, games consoles and a desk. I can respect the need for your own space, and I have suggested using some of his inheritance for an outbuilding, but he does not want to do this. There is no space in the rest of the house for his things, as downstairs is open planned, and a lot of space is taken up by children’s things.
He also sleeps on a sofa bed rather than in our bed, and doesn’t want to eat dinner with us. It doesn’t feel like much of a partnership at all to be honest. Do you think these are big issues, or am I blowing it out of proportion?

OP posts:
AuDrusilla · 31/05/2026 11:37

You are where you are

You need to look at the long term future, and hopefully he is not in it.

Original poster
FTMLyReGr · 31/05/2026 13:08

Callmemummynotmaaa · 31/05/2026 08:56

Op, can you clarify. You do and your dd currently share a bed? Or a room? Is that why your partner is on the sofa bed? Or what’s his logic?

In terms of the 16 hours work, is that the max he can work without losing benefits? Have you both calculated how much better off he would be doing more hours? Would his health allow him to work full time? (For example, in many places 16 hours is the rigid cut off for UC type help, anything above that means immediately no top up and often limits the financial incentive to work more considerably, especially if it would mean childcare costs on those days).

It sounds frustrating and hard for you right now. Can he see or share that?

We don’t share a bed, even though we have a bedroom and a perfectly good bed in it. He chooses to sleep downstairs on the sofa bed. And he doesn’t claim any benefits. He has too much in savings to qualify for benefits. Anytime I try to voice my concerns it turns into me not respecting him etc.

OP posts:
JJMama · 31/05/2026 17:51

FTMLyReGr · 30/05/2026 17:04

Looking for advice -
My partner and I have a 2 year old, and he is not happy that I am pregnant again (with twins, it was unplanned and very unexpected), and when he was told said it was a massive mistake and that it will ruin our daughter’s life.
He’s not saying things like that anymore. But there are a few things I’m quite concerned about going forward - he works 16 hours a week and thinks it’s acceptable to live off of his inheritance (which is not of a meaningful size, and won’t help our children much when they are older), has no intention of working more to help cover the costs while I’m off on maternity. And he is resisting clearing the spare room for the twins, insisting he needs his own space for his exercise bike, a TV, games consoles and a desk. I can respect the need for your own space, and I have suggested using some of his inheritance for an outbuilding, but he does not want to do this. There is no space in the rest of the house for his things, as downstairs is open planned, and a lot of space is taken up by children’s things.
He also sleeps on a sofa bed rather than in our bed, and doesn’t want to eat dinner with us. It doesn’t feel like much of a partnership at all to be honest. Do you think these are big issues, or am I blowing it out of proportion?

He wanted sex on his terms (you don’t even share the same bed), and didn’t understand that babies can come from sex.

He’s a massive child himself and had already checked out of parenthood. Sorry OP; I hope you have support around you for the twins and your daughter.

Mykneesareshot · 31/05/2026 18:53

Your bar is set so low OP, why on earth were you even sleeping with this POS??

MMUmum · 31/05/2026 19:17

He's a lodger, not a partner op, and not a very pleasant one at that

tinyspiny · 31/05/2026 19:22

@FTMLyReGr I wouldn’t worry about the 50/50 custody , he sounds like such a lazy individual that I doubt it would last past the first month .

Youshouldbestrongerthanme · 31/05/2026 19:29

FTMLyReGr · 31/05/2026 07:16

Thanks everyone for your responses. We are 50/50 owners of our house, not married.
And I’m nearly 23 weeks pregnant. Needless to say, I’m progressing with the pregnancy.
I do work, 27.5 hours a week, but obviously I’ll have to stop soon for a bit.
He has only worked 16 hours since undergoing brain surgery 3 years ago, and has felt like he doesn’t need to return to work full time etc.
I guess I’ve just been clinging to hope that this situation would make him change, and the prospect of leaving is such a big change it’s quite daunting. And I know it’s a bit selfish, but the prospect of not having my daughter with me (because when we’ve had discussions about how bad things are he’s informed me he’d go for 50/50 custody) is terrifying.

Would you be able to buy him out of the house should you chose to split?

WoollyHeadedMammoth · 31/05/2026 19:34

I'd take his schtick about ruining the 2 yo's life with a big grain of salt. (Even if it were TRUE, he'd be as responsible for it as you are.) A new child takes away time from the existing children and twins are extra work, but it's not that unusual a situation. The closeness in age of the three can be an advantage in a lot of ways as well as a strain, especially as they grow older. I respect anyone's right not to have additional children if they don't actively want them, but the only time to prevent a pregnancy is before it happens.

You'd probably be lucky if he'd accept a 50/50 arrangement; you're likely looking at minimal child maint payments anyway if he's bringing in very limited income. It sounds, though, like both of you are working part time - are you earning a very high rate, or are the two of you already using his inheritance to run the household? Do you have access to those funds, or just him? I would quietly seek legal advice now to do what you can to protect yourself and the children from being shortchanged in a future breakup. And of course, while you're still living together he should be doing a larger share of housework and childcare if you have greater responsibilities (in terms of time) outside of the home. It's not an exact science, but you should each end up with roughly equal amounts of leisure time in a typical week.

Tuesdayschild50 · 31/05/2026 19:34

He doesn't sleep in bed with you and doesn't eat with you ... this will be a lonely existence with this man-child.
I would of said get things in order make plans to go it alone but with twins on the way im not sure what to say.
Has he always been selfish & lazy working 16hrs a week .. because I wouldn't of wanted a family with a man like this .

Skybluepinky · 31/05/2026 19:38

He didn’t want more children with you and has no intention of providing for them, there lies the issue you chose the wrong dad for your children, get rid whilst you are young enough not to have wasted your life.

LightningTree · 31/05/2026 19:40

FTMLyReGr · 31/05/2026 07:16

Thanks everyone for your responses. We are 50/50 owners of our house, not married.
And I’m nearly 23 weeks pregnant. Needless to say, I’m progressing with the pregnancy.
I do work, 27.5 hours a week, but obviously I’ll have to stop soon for a bit.
He has only worked 16 hours since undergoing brain surgery 3 years ago, and has felt like he doesn’t need to return to work full time etc.
I guess I’ve just been clinging to hope that this situation would make him change, and the prospect of leaving is such a big change it’s quite daunting. And I know it’s a bit selfish, but the prospect of not having my daughter with me (because when we’ve had discussions about how bad things are he’s informed me he’d go for 50/50 custody) is terrifying.

Good grief. I’m afraid he is the fourth child you’ll be looking after if you don’t cut and run. Don’t be blackmailed by the joint custody threat. As soon as he realises it involves work and commitment he’ll lose interest. You deserve so much better.

andnowwhatdowedo · 31/05/2026 19:42

He doesn't want more children and is making this very clear. I think the only hope for your relationship if you want to continue is couples counselling, urgently.

Tuesdayschild50 · 31/05/2026 19:43

Im sorry your partner had brain surgery that is a lot to deal with.. but as you say its 3 yrs ago and he is functioning fine if he can look after a toddler he can work more hours again.
I think you need to mentally prepare yourself and not get lost in his manipulation.
He either steps up to be a father with his two new children or he will be a single parent.. he can't have sex then check out because you're pregnant it takes two remind him of that.
Going to court you can put all these situations into writing in why he can't have 50/50 this by the way is one week with you one week with dad and so on...
Otherwise they call it shared parenting i know this as my son went to court to get things in writing and legalised due to manipulative ex partner.

Pickledonion1999 · 31/05/2026 19:48

Blimey you barely work more than the equivalent of one full time job between you. If you do stay with him I would up my hours after mat leave and let him do the bulk of child care for three little ones if he won't increase hours. he'll likely then realize it's an easier option to go out to work more !

AMurderofMurderingCrows · 31/05/2026 20:04

He says you are negative about him and don't respect him. Well maybe if he acted like an equal partner you would respect him and there would be no need to be negative. This is all his doing, acting like a bloody child.

thetinsoldier · 31/05/2026 20:05

ExOptimist · 30/05/2026 17:09

Surely you must realise these are absolutely massive issues.

It sounds like he's mentally and physically checked out of family life and doesn't want to be a part of it any longer.

Are you married? It doesn't sound like it given you refer to him as your partner, which puts you in a very difficult position if( when) you split up.

But I'm afraid to say if he's like this when you're pregnant it won't improve when there are 3 children. Prepare yourself to be a single parent.

This.

August1980 · 31/05/2026 20:09

How did you get pregnant if you don’t share a bed? Or now that he has found out about the twins he has moved out of your room?
you are in an awful position op, I wouldn’t rely on him to help you, so hope you got family around twins and a toddler is going to be tough/expensive too as a single parent.

MrsLFii · 31/05/2026 20:11

Mykneesareshot · 31/05/2026 18:53

Your bar is set so low OP, why on earth were you even sleeping with this POS??

Sorry but this.. I don’t really understand what aspect of this ‘relationship’ seems okay to you, to be asking whether you’re overreacting / blowing the many many negatives to your situation out of proportion?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 31/05/2026 20:20

I would snsil
him detailing your current split of chores and bedtime and ask him to start doing more eg a pattern where you take turns with bedtimes

either he doesn’t deny it and doesn’t change and you can follow up again - excellent evidence in court to stop him getting 5050
OR he’ll start lightening your load

you win either way

loislovesstewie · 31/05/2026 20:32

You can't carry on like this. You aren't partners, he's not loving, he's not going to parent the 3 children. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with a man who behaves like a 2 year old? If the answer is no, you know what to do.

QueenietheGreat · 31/05/2026 20:35

@FTMLyReGr
He's mentally disengaged
Doesn't want the responsibility of twins which he didn't expect
As one child was enough for him
I think even if you end up still being in the same house
You'll be totally on your own

winnieanddaisy · 31/05/2026 20:46

I think you need to point out to him that the children come as a package. If he wants you DD 50/50, the court will say it’s all children so he will have to have the twins 50/50 too .
I don’t think he will be keen on that from the sounds of it .

BountifulPantry · 31/05/2026 21:19

I assume you very much want the twins OP, is that true?

Laura95167 · 31/05/2026 21:39

Tbh im not surprised he wasnt happy about the baby if this is how its going.

Hes checked out. And if i were you id get counselling before the babies arrive or LTB

Afterthefact · 01/06/2026 05:23

He said another child/twins would ruin your daughter's life - there it is! What he means is they will ruin his life - he's already using DD as his shield.

It doesn't sound like there's any future or hope for your relationship - he probably feels like you've trapped him, yes accidents happen but they can also be planned accidents when there's disagreement about having more children or not. You're both responsible for contraception the same as you're both responsible for parenting the children. If he was adamant that he didn't want any more but you did, that was the time to think about parting ways, not now when you're 23 weeks. Posting here for advice about your relationship/ situation and making him out to be the bad guy might equal you being devious & that's not fair on anyone. Children don't ask to be born & resentful fathers can ruin their lives.

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