Am I overreacting about my partner’s attitude to our growing family?

[FTMLyReGr]

Looking for advice -
My partner and I have a 2 year old, and he is not happy that I am pregnant again (with twins, it was unplanned and very unexpected), and when he was told said it was a massive mistake and that it will ruin our daughter’s life.
He’s not saying things like that anymore. But there are a few things I’m quite concerned about going forward - he works 16 hours a week and thinks it’s acceptable to live off of his inheritance (which is not of a meaningful size, and won’t help our children much when they are older), has no intention of working more to help cover the costs while I’m off on maternity. And he is resisting clearing the spare room for the twins, insisting he needs his own space for his exercise bike, a TV, games consoles and a desk. I can respect the need for your own space, and I have suggested using some of his inheritance for an outbuilding, but he does not want to do this. There is no space in the rest of the house for his things, as downstairs is open planned, and a lot of space is taken up by children’s things.
He also sleeps on a sofa bed rather than in our bed, and doesn’t want to eat dinner with us. It doesn’t feel like much of a partnership at all to be honest. Do you think these are big issues, or am I blowing it out of proportion?

He probably won't go for 50/50 when that means having three young children rather than one.

He doesn't even do anything for the one child youve got, never mind adding another 2. Get away from him. He's a selfish twat who quite obviously doesn't want a family anyway

He will threaten 50/50, but there’s no way, unless his mother is around to do it for him (or a new partner), that he will voluntarily look after 1, let alone 3 children, when he is the way you described him. He may come knocking on your door when the kids are safely out the baby/toddler years and are less hard work but who knows

Brain surgery, you say? That's quite a drip feed.

The chances of him going for 50/50 are zero.

I would seek legal advice op to be prepared in case your relationship ends, as it sounds you may end up in a vulnerable situation, espcially as you’re not married.

There are wars to prevent it.

This type of man always threatens 50/50 to scare you but it highly unlikely he will do that. He’s not interested in his own kids.

How is that a drip feed? It doesn't excuse his feckless behaviour and piss poor attitude. It was also 3 years ago.

OP, he's most likely saying he'd go for 50/50 to scare you. By the sounds of him, there's no way he'd want to be responsible for 3 kids (or even if it was 1 when the convo happened) half of the time.

Brain surgery is usually a pretty big deal. It may be that his brain function has been compromised, or the surgery was unsuccessful, or he's never fully recovered. Or perhaps none of those things. OP has given no further information.

@FTMLyReGr tell me honestly what does he do for your child right now. Laundry? Cooking? Playing age appropriate games? Bathes? Puts to bed? Plans her food? Spends time with her alone? Because if he does nothing now do you really think he will want three children 50% of the time?

I would highly recommend you spend some of your money before maternity in therapy. Not to see if you should stay with him but to find out where the hell you have hidden your self worth and self eestem. You have none. And that will harm your daughter the most.

I do think these are big issues I’m afraid.
From what I can see he:

• works part-time which it doesn’t look like can support a growing family (or even himself)
• wasting an inheritance
• no plans to work more when you are off on maternity
• wont clear a room for your new babies
• seems to think his games condole is an important consideration
• doesnt eat with the fsmily
• sleeos downstairs

Therw is nothIng here that reflects an adult man who loves and respects anyone other than himself.

I highly doubt he’d go for 50/50 as that’d mean he has to actually do something.

Im really sorry but I think you need to talk to family and friends in real life and find a practical way forward without him.

They always say they want 50/50 to scare you off splitting up.

Is this the life you want, essentially a single parent but with some bloke sleeping on your sofa ?

Op, can you clarify. You do and your dd currently share a bed? Or a room? Is that why your partner is on the sofa bed? Or what’s his logic?

In terms of the 16 hours work, is that the max he can work without losing benefits? Have you both calculated how much better off he would be doing more hours? Would his health allow him to work full time? (For example, in many places 16 hours is the rigid cut off for UC type help, anything above that means immediately no top up and often limits the financial incentive to work more considerably, especially if it would mean childcare costs on those days).

It sounds frustrating and hard for you right now. Can he see or share that?

You have a man-child as a partner. One who isn't prepared to work full-time to support his family, and is too immature and irresponsible to put his family before his wants.

Your partner might very well say he would go 50/50 if you split, and yes, he could do this but would he, really???? At the moment you have 1 child, with twins on the way, the reality, is that at some point he'd have 3 children to parent solo 50% of the time.

Your partner doesn't want the twins, and has mentally and emotionally checked out of the relationship. The fact he's being difficult about sorting through the spare room, that is currently his 'play room' (I would say man cave, but we're not dealing with a man), to accommodate the twins, says it all really.

Start thinking like a single Mum, because you will likely be one. I can't see your partner stepping up once the twins are born, if he can't be arsed now.

Excellent typo...but I always think these men make themselves so unattractive surely no woman would want to have sex with them, and excellent contraceptive. But there's nowt so queer as folk I suppose.

Well would he go for 50/50 of all 3 children? Because he’s highly unlikely to get it for the twins until they’re at least one as they will be too young to be away from you that long especially if you breastfeed.
Then when they’re older if he’s only wanting 50/50 for the eldest but not his youngest two it’s not going to look good is it.

OP he’s a man child. You’ll soon have 4 children. His inheritance won’t last as he’s living the life of a single man already. Unfortunately you’re the proper grown up in this arrangement and you can’t make him step up. I’d split now and brace for life as a single mum. Nothing beats closing your front door, no drama, and being able to do wtf you want in your own home, including sensibly getting spare room ready for your twins.

My god leave him. Was going to say reconsider continuing the pregnancy but too late now. Prepare for life as a single mum. Blows my mind you can have sex with someone that awful.

Typo 🙄

Good points, plus his lazy arse is highly unlikely to actually fight to get 50-50 via a court order given he can’t be arsed even doing the minimum on all fronts now… OP single parenthood is better than what you have just now. Concentrate on your daughter and pregnancy as this ‘relationship’ is going nowhere.

He had a bit of dead tissue removed, it took a little while for him to recover, but surgery has been successful, and they’ve had occupational therapists assess him and his functioning is still very high

He does a bit of the washing, and looks after our daughter Mondays, a bit on Tuesday and Thursday. I always do bath time, bed time and the mornings, sort out her meals etc. when he wants to spend time with her he plays with her really nicely. It just seems to me like everything is completely on his terms. My self-esteem and self-worth are there! This is a very daunting thing to be experiencing, and certainly not where I saw myself being. I think it’s a big decision that requires a lot of thought and planning, hence trying to get some advice on here. My partner is very good at twisting what I say to make it into me being negative about him, and when that’s your constant it’s hard not to get lost in that.

Seriously OP, it isn't there as no self respecting woman would sleep with such a man nevermind procreate twice.

I suggest you speak with your GP to see if they can signpost you to any help, as well as have a chat with Women's Aid especially regarding DARVO. I'm speaking as someone who got lost in an abusive relationship for over twenty years. Seek help and get out.

They all say this to avoid paying out money but few go for it. Especially him. He has no intention of looking after 3 children 50/50. Call his bluff.