Please give me relationship advice!

[April5647]

Married and two children and been together 12 years. When I first met him I completely adored him, I moved areas, lost touch with friends, put my whole self into him, I just desperately wanted to make it work. At the start he kept his options open and was still dating which he did behind my back, he had a message on his phone one day, turned out he’d still been seeing 4 other people. He’s absolutely gorgeous and successful, in turn I think now it’s made him quite selfish and self centred. I’m a complete giver and all I wanted him to do was feel the same as I did about him. Now I’m older and wiser, I was completely deluded thinking that way.

We have separate bank accounts (I know, I know) those were the terms if we got married and I agreed. He earns a hell of a lot more than me, and I’m struggling financially, he’s told me to get a better paid job. We’ve no mortgage and no debt. We pay joint bills and I’m left with little money - I am trying to get a better paid job. I do everything in the house, and for the children. I don’t want to break up the family, but whenever I talk and try to explain how I feel, and how I don’t feel like this is a joint thing, he shuts me down, won’t talk and just says if I earnt more money I wouldn’t be so miserable about everything else. Which I suppose he’s right now I’ve typed this. I can’t afford anything for myself, my birthday and Christmas has already gone, which is the only time I get any treats. He’s constantly having parcels delivered and it’s always designer clothing (I don’t want designer clothing by the way just putting it into context)

As I’m getting older I realise there’s no emotional compassion from him, there’s no empathy, years of trying to talk and getting nowhere, I’ve just always shut down, carried on alone and got on with it, but I’m finding myself getting upset more and more with things, I’m crying for no reason, I’m quieter than ever, but I just feel pathetic talking about it in real life to anyone because I don’t really know what the problem is.

Im fragile, but I want opinions please, even if it’s hard for me to swallow.

Your children will be happier when their Mom is happier. They will eventually adjust to the new family dynamic, especially as they will mainly be living with you when their Dad is less involved.

He might try to bully you to give up major things. Don't cave, just to speed up the divorce process. Take all you're entitled to, such as half of his retirement savings and pension if you wind up legally entitled to receive them. Since he's so selfish with you, he will likely be with his children as well. You never know when those extra funds will be needed for the children for expensive medical procedures or for them to get a higher education after graduation.

You don't need to separate assets, anyway, since you're not on each other's accounts. So getting an appt. with legal counsel should be tops on your agenda.

Many of us marry too young before our brains aren't yet fully formed, and it's worse when self-worth is lacking. I know, because I was one of those people. After my divorce, I was finally able to create the life I deserved. You can too. Make sure you read some books on how to boost your self-love, so that when the time comes when you're ready to date again, you don't repeat the same pattern of choosing someone who isn't worthy of you. Take care.

Does he insist you pay for all the day to day costs for your children too?

H sounds very selfish. He benefits from everything you are doing at home and you paying for everything you can. Meanwhile, he refuses to help make life any less "miserable" for you.
Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. Your H is not treating you as such.

No need for this unkindness. OP is experiencing enough of this at the hands of her manipulative, financially abusing husband

The husband is horrible, and she needs to get out.

I was asking if she genuinely can’t see what the issue is, because if she can’t that would suggest something far deeper and more sinister is going on. I asked for clarification.

The foolish comment is harsh, but I don’t think it’s unkind. This situation cannot carry on, and the 50/50 arrangement needs to stop.

This is neither normal nor nice. If you talked about relationships with friends, you would find that out real quick. I am sorry you are in this position.