Teenage son saw me having sex and now won’t speak to me

[mortified48]

Utterly mortified. Bit of background… been divorced for nearly two years after a horrendous marriage. Thanks to good friends helping me with an exit plan, I managed to get out and am now in my own lovely little home. Two DS, 11 and 14 who I share custody with my ex 50/50. Eldest son doesn’t always see eye to eye with his dad who lives about 20 mins walk away.

So yesterday was changeover day and as kids are on half term, they went back to their dad’s at lunchtime and I’m not due to get them back now until Weds (we use a 5 5 2 2 schedule). I was working Fri afternoon and suddenly my eldest appears in my house (he has a key) as he’d had a row with his dad and didn’t want to go back. DS and Ex have a decent relationship but they clash quite a bit and I’m very close to my son. I had a good talk with him and when my ex arrived to come get him, had a talk with him too, calmed the situation and they went back to my ex’s house.

Later that evening my boyfriend of one year came over for some food and a film. It’s worth mentioning here that my kids haven’t met him yet. They’ve bumped into him once, and I talk about him, but more as a close friend I guess. The reason for that is I’m not about to introduce them to someone unless I know they’re going to be sticking around. Ex got a new girlfriend straight after the split and has been with her for 22 months now. At the beginning the kids struggled a little with this, it was quite soon after the split; my ex did the same thing and didn’t introduce her to them straight away incase it didn’t work out. The kids were recently introduced to her properly, and seem ok with it, although it’s a little awkward for them as she’s a teacher at their school. Anyway.. I certainly wasn’t going to introduce my boyfriend to them when they were in the throes of adjusting to dad’s new girlfriend and going on holiday with her and her kids etc.. it’s a lot for them to take in still. So I’ve kept it as mentioning my boyfriends name quite a bit as a friend and then when im sure the relationship has a solid future, i figured this would make it easier to introduce him to the kids.

Back to last night.. boyfriend was round watching a movie, and at about 9pm we got frisky in my living room and then again in the bedroom and then made some food. My phone was in a different room charging. When I went to get it around 11:15pm , I saw a text from the ex at 11pm saying that (unknown to me), my eldest had had a row with him and had run to mine around 9pm, let himself in and saw me having sex 😣 and had got such a shock he ran back to his dads in his socks(!) and now isn’t wanting to speak to me because he feels lied to. I had NO idea he was even in the house and only found out when I went to get my phone from the other room at 11pm. Ex had also texted at 9pm to say DS had rowed with him and was running to mine but I hadn’t seen this. Ex didn’t appear to have tried to stop DS running to mine.
i immediately tried to get in touch with DS as I could see he was still online, but he said he didn’t want to talk and turned his phone off. He’s really upset. I think the “feeling lied to” is probably because I haven’t introduced my boyfriend to him yet and he feels kept in the dark (which he hated when it happened with my ex’s girlfriend at the beginning of their relationship).

Utterly mortified and need advice how to handle this. I’m so close to DS, and he’s never not wanted to talk before and is obviously very shocked and embarrassed and upset. Help!

It sounds like you and your ex have handled things well between you. What happened was unfortunate and could have been avoided but don't beat yourself up over it. I suspect that your son is embarrassed, mortified as opposed to feeling lied to. He probably doesn't know how to express that. Give him space, but whatever you do, do not act ashamed or as if you've done something wrong, because you haven't.

When you’re single, you do whatever the fuck you want. When you have children you need to keep them safe.
Their home is their home go to a hotel or his place

He was supposed to be with his dad. Ex dh needs to be parenting better in my opinion.

When his Dad was supposed to be parenting, not allowing him to run out of the house.

No ones mentioned the boyfriends feelings, I bet he hates her ex husband now.

How exactly do you stop a 14 year old boy leaving the house if he wants to go? Should ex have barricaded him in? Restrained him? This is a child who clearly feels unsafe in his dad’s home because of his new relationship with his teacher. It doesn’t feel like it is his. Now his mum’s house doesn’t feel like his either.

He was safe- at his Dads.

What's far more harmful is filling their heads with ideas of a world full of 'nutjobs' . A measured awareness of personal safety is one thing but your reaction is way over the top.

I can’t believe the replies shaming OP for shagging in her own home while her children were in the care of their father! This is incredibly unfortunate, but it’s nobody’s fault. It happens. The boy will get over it. Give him a bit of space and then have a talk with him. And OP, keep your phone near you and check your messages, even if you’re otherwise occupied.

OP nobody wants to see a parent have sex...

You were silly to have sex in the living room when you know that your son has a habit of coming into the house unannounced.

It sounds like your son was already very unsettled by his parents living apart and him struggling to get on with his father, so adding a boyfriend in the mix and him walking on you having sex with a virtual stranger in a communal part of the house is not going to help.

You are of course entitled to a private life but keeping it more private would have been a good idea.

Also I would focus on supporting your kid and his well being as he is obviously struggling with a lot right now. I always think that kids should be a priority over any man so many rebalance your priorities.

My advice would be to not mention it ever and breezily style it out. He spoke to his dad, there’s frankly nothing you can say that will make it any better for him, and eventually he will come round.

How many random men have your children seen you fucking on the sofa?

Ha please . Stop with the judgemental nonsense .

I obviously mean emotionally safe. And he obviously didn’t feel it or he wouldn’t have left.

I’m adding this as it was my experience as a teen … I’m not sure if your ex has been abusive of difficult , but I notice you frame his relationship with your elder son as them ‘butting heads’, ‘clashing’ not ‘getting along’ etc. I’m not saying that’s not the case, it’s just that was very much how my own mother framed my relationship with my father over the years and I’ve seen this wording used a lot to lighten what’s really going on. As I say, I’m only saying this as it was done to me … my mum always wished ‘we’d just get along’ just ‘try and be civil’ etc but my dad was abusive. I see that you’ve managed to get away and well done for that, I’m just gently pointing at that your son hasn’t and and I think it’s worth, as an aside, asking is it really them ‘butting heads’ or is your son in a relationship here that’s abusive towards him. It’s just a thought and only posted to help x

By them already knowing that's unacceptable, it's called parenting.

'unsafe'. That band wagon? Why do you think he wasn't just pissed off about something?

Who checks their phone when they're having sex?

He'll get over it OP. No right minded person wants to see either of their parents having sex with each other or anyone else. It was probably a bit of a shock to him but he's 14. He knows people have sex, and you were with an established partner, not a random hook up in a long string of random hookups.

If I were you I'd be embarrassed at being seen doing something so private, as would most people, but you've done nothing wrong.

It’s because she was recklessly doing it in the living room.

But he doesn't "have form". OP explained quite clearly that that day was the first time he'd done it, both she and his dad had talked it through with him and he'd gone back with his dad. She had no reason to believe he was going to burst back in again, especially at 9pm when she was entitled to assume he was doing his own thing at his dad's house and moving towards going to bed.

So you think the kid coming home to an empty house would’ve been better? Maybe once mum was home she could’ve also lied that she was at knitting group?

She really did!

Next time she can carefully do it in the livingroom.

Yep, sex should be only in the bedroom, missionary position with the lights off while humming God save the king.

There's nothing reckless about having sex in the living room of your own house when your children are out !!!

Thanks for your reply. I will concede that it could reflect on my unconsented exposure to my mother's sexuality. I lived in a prudish home where sex was never discussed. I never had a single conversation about it, but loud sex noises (not bed squeaking) emanated from the bedroom. I do, though, think there are big differences in male and female sexuality, and that is a good thing.

As an awkward teen boy, it's very confusing, and without giving TMI, physiology does not stop working, and it messed with my head. It affected my future relationships and has affected my relationship with my mum. Who I do love dearly. We were both only recently discussing my children, and she brought up how I changed as a teen. It was around the same time. It made me sad as I thought she had never noticed.

Now I am a big advocate for open conversation about sex and sexuality. I will hopefully try to educate my own children better and definitely take more care with noises and have a latch on our bedroom door. MN has helped me a lot.

😂😂😂