Teenage son saw me having sex and now won’t speak to me

[mortified48]

Utterly mortified. Bit of background… been divorced for nearly two years after a horrendous marriage. Thanks to good friends helping me with an exit plan, I managed to get out and am now in my own lovely little home. Two DS, 11 and 14 who I share custody with my ex 50/50. Eldest son doesn’t always see eye to eye with his dad who lives about 20 mins walk away.

So yesterday was changeover day and as kids are on half term, they went back to their dad’s at lunchtime and I’m not due to get them back now until Weds (we use a 5 5 2 2 schedule). I was working Fri afternoon and suddenly my eldest appears in my house (he has a key) as he’d had a row with his dad and didn’t want to go back. DS and Ex have a decent relationship but they clash quite a bit and I’m very close to my son. I had a good talk with him and when my ex arrived to come get him, had a talk with him too, calmed the situation and they went back to my ex’s house.

Later that evening my boyfriend of one year came over for some food and a film. It’s worth mentioning here that my kids haven’t met him yet. They’ve bumped into him once, and I talk about him, but more as a close friend I guess. The reason for that is I’m not about to introduce them to someone unless I know they’re going to be sticking around. Ex got a new girlfriend straight after the split and has been with her for 22 months now. At the beginning the kids struggled a little with this, it was quite soon after the split; my ex did the same thing and didn’t introduce her to them straight away incase it didn’t work out. The kids were recently introduced to her properly, and seem ok with it, although it’s a little awkward for them as she’s a teacher at their school. Anyway.. I certainly wasn’t going to introduce my boyfriend to them when they were in the throes of adjusting to dad’s new girlfriend and going on holiday with her and her kids etc.. it’s a lot for them to take in still. So I’ve kept it as mentioning my boyfriends name quite a bit as a friend and then when im sure the relationship has a solid future, i figured this would make it easier to introduce him to the kids.

Back to last night.. boyfriend was round watching a movie, and at about 9pm we got frisky in my living room and then again in the bedroom and then made some food. My phone was in a different room charging. When I went to get it around 11:15pm , I saw a text from the ex at 11pm saying that (unknown to me), my eldest had had a row with him and had run to mine around 9pm, let himself in and saw me having sex 😣 and had got such a shock he ran back to his dads in his socks(!) and now isn’t wanting to speak to me because he feels lied to. I had NO idea he was even in the house and only found out when I went to get my phone from the other room at 11pm. Ex had also texted at 9pm to say DS had rowed with him and was running to mine but I hadn’t seen this. Ex didn’t appear to have tried to stop DS running to mine.
i immediately tried to get in touch with DS as I could see he was still online, but he said he didn’t want to talk and turned his phone off. He’s really upset. I think the “feeling lied to” is probably because I haven’t introduced my boyfriend to him yet and he feels kept in the dark (which he hated when it happened with my ex’s girlfriend at the beginning of their relationship).

Utterly mortified and need advice how to handle this. I’m so close to DS, and he’s never not wanted to talk before and is obviously very shocked and embarrassed and upset. Help!

Aren’t you the poster always going on about raking in £1k a month doing only fans @Notmyreality ? Your kids are prob used to witnessing quite a bit so seeing you shag in the lounge is probably no big deal!

See how no ones considering the boyfriends feelings?

Working with kids does not make you an expert on child psychology. Some kids may be upset but the crucial thing is damage is inflicted when this circumstance is a repeated/long term situation NOT a one off in an otherwise loving emotionally stable upbringing.

Clearly not because this is the cherry on top for him. His parents split, his dad got a new partner and messed up the introduction, he's not getting on with him and comes running home to his safe space to find his mum at it with someone he doesn't know. Sounds pretty upside down to me.

Who said he was going to be a pervert? Not me.

Sorry, that was for @Flowerpotman

I got a bit of an eyeful but hey, so what? It was just them in an unguarded moment. No big deal.

If only 1k a month was “raking it in”. Now if I was making 10k a month, I’d be shagging on the front lawn!
Ooo now there’s an idea….

It's a good idea but the tinkler's already gone off

point is…. This will be all like seeing mum make a cup of tea.

Really, just stop with your creepy crap!

Why? Are they on OnlyFans?

Completely different scenario. Her DS was older for a start (and a couple of years makes a big difference at this age), and this was a text, within the context of a stable family set up, over a situation in which both parents were prioritising the child. The sexual comment is incidental to that, and easy to laugh off.

Not so much when it’s a disenfranchised 14 year old who’s obviously already struggling, shuttling between homes and trying adjust to unsettling new relationships in his parents’ lives, actually walking in unawares and seeing his mother getting fucked by a total stranger.

Zero equivalence between the two situations, and I really don’t think it’s an ‘unhealthy’ overreaction to suggest the OP needs to tread carefully in how she handles it.

You haven't done anything wrong. You are an adult living a life you are entitled too. If I had seen my mum having sex as a teenager I would have wanted to gouge my own eyes out though so he probably needs a bit of space. He may have felt a bit like he had/has no where to go when he was feeling overwhelmed which is as I remember from childhood a horrible feeling even if it wasnt the actual truth, all you can do is apologise for what he saw, tell him you are open to conversation about anything that is bothering him will answer any questions he has, and will make a plan so this doesn't happen again ...like if its not your time with them he needs confirmation its ok to come home so this or you not being there when he arrives can be avoided. You are entitled to a life and this is just an unfortunate incident.

At 9pm?

Hopefully you can be as forgiving of my spelling here as I hope you are forgiving of yourself for getting caught in the act 😆

Lesson is don't ignore your phone have no comprehension of how parents can do this if my kids are away I always check messages what if it had been an emergency. This is the bit I find odd.

op said they started in the living room and moved to the bedroom - for those with this concern

Whether you meant to or not you've made him feel very uncomfortable and unsafe. He caught you in one of the main communal areas of the house not your private space. Most 14 year olds wouldn't want to step foot in that living room now never mind sit where you were shagging. By the sounds of it he doesn't feel any more comfortable at dad's either. You're of course entitled to friendships, relationships and a sex life but I think you need to grow up a bit and start putting DS first. He's a child still. He needs to feel safe and valued. It's one thing him walking into you in the bedroom but being that reckless in your shared living space was very unwise. Don't fgs give DS any indication that this was his fault because it isn't one bit

It's just what's being discussed, this thread is a classic already.

Honestly, it isn't in the least grim. Surely you realise that, when you go round to your friends' houses, there's an excellent chance you are sitting on sofas they have had sex on? Are you seriously contending that the furniture is somehow contaminated if that's the case? How do you cope?

This is not your fault. There needs to be rules in place so you have boundaries and alone time with bf. I would be pointing out when bf is there so this does not happen. Ex and ds need to come to an understanding where da does not keep running and going back. Dc need to know on dads days thats where they stay. You can point out to ds what you have said here. You didn’t want introduce him yet. Adults have sex in loving relationships. He will get over it but it’s a shock.

I think you were a bit reckless Op. You son had already come back to yours once that day and has form for doing so. Shagging in the living room was irresponsible. At 33 I have never found a shred of evidence of my parents fucking (even though they obviously do/did as I have younger siblings). You need to be much more discreet. I wouldn’t want to talk to you about it either.

No it's not & no it's not.

Of course it’s her fault. She was doing it in the communal area of the home!

Woah, this one is using capital letters for extra emphasis, we better sit up and take notice.