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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

anybody else's dh quite a loner?

42 replies

emkana · 22/06/2008 20:47

Dh is a bit of a loner. He is very friendly and communicative with people when the occasion arises, but is on the other hand more than happy in either his own company or just with his family. His "socializing needs" are covered by spending time with people at work, every now and then going out to the pub at lunchtime or just after work.

Does anybody else have a dh/dp like that. How do you feel about it?

OP posts:

TigerFeet · 22/06/2008 20:51

I do!

What riles me most is that he thinks I should be like that too. I'm no great party animal but I would like to socialise a bit - invite people round for an impromptu BBQ if the weather's nice, have family over more often, go out for a drink with colleagues etc.

He would be happy if he never saw anyone outside work other than me, dd and his parents. I find it incredibly stifling and it has been an issue. He makes an effort for me but often it's clear that it's an effort and that gets on my tits.

TigerFeet · 22/06/2008 20:52

How do you feel about it emkana?

Original poster

emkana · 22/06/2008 20:53

I feel the same as you tigerfeet, it does get on my nerves.

OP posts:

DanJARMouse · 22/06/2008 20:53

I do, but Im like that too!

We only really socialise with family and close friends.

We will chat for hours with our 2 neighbours, but we prefer it to be just us and the family.

Sad little loners together!

PhDlifeNeedsaNewLife · 22/06/2008 20:54

Yep, emkana - sounds quite like my dh!

Having said that, he has lots of long-term friends scattered all over the world. Nowt in common with many of them, these days, but he'd still go out of his way to see them if they came to the UK.

How do I feel about it? Well, he is who he is and I love him a lot, wouldn't change him for anything. (That of course is a total lie - if there was a pill to make him put stuff away I'd be dropping it in his tea every morning !)

Such isolation drives me cocobananas - for long, complicated reasons, 14m ds being the least of it, we have almost no social life at all atm which has me crawling the walls - but it works for him. I think sometimes he wishes he made friends more easily but then it's not his fault we're a moving-away generation.

Why do you ask?

Original poster

emkana · 22/06/2008 20:55

JARM, we don't even have "close friends" as such. Dh's close friends from uni he has lost touch with, his one close friend locally we see once a year.

My really close friends are all in Germany...

OP posts:

janeite · 22/06/2008 20:56

Mine is, yes. He's a lovely man once actually IN company but takes a lot of persuasion to actually get there. I'd happily have people round every week, as I love cooking/chatting over a meal etc but dp grumbles about mess etc and gets twitchy about the idea.

Sanctuary · 22/06/2008 20:56

Dh is a loner
likes his own company and not bothered about going out unless I arrange it.
I am the opposite

Original poster

emkana · 22/06/2008 20:56

I ask so that I know whether others are the same, or whether I just bagged a weirdo.

OP posts:

PhDlifeNeedsaNewLife · 22/06/2008 20:57

oh, they're all weirdos, one way or another!

Original poster

emkana · 22/06/2008 20:59

Sanctuary, so how do you make it work then? do you socialise on your own? Or just invite people anyway?

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allgonebellyup · 22/06/2008 21:05

This seems to be quite a common thing for a lot of men with families, i think.
Both my ex partners became loners and never wanted to see their friends.

But then you hear of the ones who are always sneaking down the pub but i have never actually met any of these dads!

Original poster

emkana · 22/06/2008 21:05

allgonebellyup, did that contribute to you splitting up?

OP posts:

Elkat · 22/06/2008 21:06

My Dh is like that. Any social events we do, I organise. As a result, we end up only ever socialising with my family or my friends. Either that or I go out alone. Most of his friends don't live near us, and he says he has no particular desire to socialise with his family or friends from home. I used to nag him to do it, but gave up on that long ago. If he's happy with things, then I don't see that it is my place to change him.

Sanctuary · 22/06/2008 21:07

Invite people anyway or go out now and again on my own otherwise I would be in asylm by now.Talking to myself (doing a shirley valentine to the wall )

He is very shy and quiet

If it was left to him to meet people we just would`nt .
He is still in contact with mates from uni but thats it .We only get to see them once ayear.

TigerFeet · 22/06/2008 21:08

When I met dh he had one long term friend that he kept in touch with. He's even lost touch with him now and he was the best man at our wedding

We have no friends as a couple. None at all. I have friends who have made an effort for us but I have held back because I am unable to reciprocate.

We don't speak to the neighbours other than to pass the time of day. One side of us there is a bloke with a child of a similar age to dd but there's no point getting to know them as dh just won't be friendly.

In part I blame his parents - dh is an only child and was brought up in this tight family unit of the three of them - no outsiders at all. DH was always happy with this arrangement and wants the same for us. I don't, I want dd to know her aunt and uncles and my friends. I want her to have a wide circle of friends of her own.

What really fucks me off is his reasoning for refusing to change. When I nag complain suggest that it would be nice to be more sociable he comes out with "That's not the kind of person I am, it's not how I was brought up". Well, what about how I was brought up? The kind of person I am?

He has got worse as he has got older. In all honesty, and I mean this utterly and totally, if I had known how isolated I would have to be in order to stay with him I would never have stayed. Trouble is, I fell in love with him before he got so insular and codgerly and am unlikely to leave him now unless he crossed some (as yet unknown) line.

Can you tell this touches a nerve?

allgonebellyup · 22/06/2008 21:09

emkana....no, not really! we were constantly fighting about money etc, though i do think he was depressed (my ex dh)and thats why he avoided other people.
Maybe its something i do to my men??

allgonebellyup · 22/06/2008 21:11

My mums partner is also like this, he has NO friends at all and relies on my mum (and occasionally all her friends)for company - he just isnt interested in other people.

JackieNo · 22/06/2008 21:11

My DH is a bit like this too - I'd love to be the house where people could drop in and a party would develop, all of its own accord, but we just never get round to inviting people, partly because I would feel as if I was imposing on him (would he put down his computer? Not sure). It doesn't help that we have busy and complicated lives (no more so than anyone else - just the day to day busyness that comes with having 2 DCs and all their various activities), and just finding the time is difficult.

SSSandy2 · 22/06/2008 21:13

I think if he is a bit of a loner at heart, he will hate having more sociability forced on him so I think it would make the relationship more tense if you were often inviting people round.

I think there might come a time in most relationships where you need to socialise a bit on your own as individuals. Dh is more of a party animal than I am. He can also happily spend all afternoon nattering away to someone's great grandmother and seems to enjoy it or at least he takes most people in his stride, I find people generally more stressful/tiring than he seems to. However, he knows how I am, I can be very sociable one week and totally anti-social the next, he lets me be when I want to be alone and I'm quite grateful to him for that.

Maybe there are some nice social groups/activities that you could get involved in regularly emkana, and where he could occasionally get involved?

Original poster

emkana · 22/06/2008 21:18

TigerFeet I was thinking today if, had I known when I met dh what I know now, whether I would have wanted this relationship.

But then we have the most wonderful children togehter, and he is a good dad, and in many ways a good husband, so...

OP posts:

Sanctuary · 22/06/2008 21:20

Sometimes you have to do things on your own not every time but now and again

Cos Dh chats all day at work he does`nt always when he comes home not cos we have fallen out but that is the way he is
it does piss me off sometimes when people say "Oh he really is funny etc etc at work you are so lucky "
WTF he hides it well is all I can say

TigerFeet · 22/06/2008 21:27

ikwym emkana

We have one dc, she is wonderful and I wouldn't be without her - dh is a fabulous dad and he and dd are besotted with one another. On many levels he is a good husband - I trust him implicitly which is very important.

But...

I am bored and lonely a lot of the time and he doesn't seem to a) realise or b) care.

He has no empathy at all [exasparated]

MrsWeasley · 22/06/2008 21:29

mine is a loner too and if my friends invite us out he rarely wants to go.

He says he doesnt need or want friends

When we are out he chats to everyone and has a ball.

TigerFeet · 22/06/2008 21:38

The few times I have persuaded him out he has been quiet to the point of sulkiness. Frankly it can be embarassing. He makes no effort at all and it's clear to all and sundry he isn't enjoying himself. I can't see the point in forcing him into a situation where he is uncomfortable, I don't think that's very fair on him.

He has got better about me going out by myself. He used to sulk outrageously and make me feel really guilty, coming out with comments like "you're going out again are you?" (I go out maybe once or twice a year) or "I'll be all right (sniff) here by myself (sniff) no one for company (sniff)." A couple of belting arguments sorted that one out. I still feel guilty about going out though - I've been out twice this year and didn't drink so I could drive home because I know what he's really thinking.

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