anybody else's dh quite a loner?

[emkana]

Dh is a bit of a loner. He is very friendly and communicative with people when the occasion arises, but is on the other hand more than happy in either his own company or just with his family. His "socializing needs" are covered by spending time with people at work, every now and then going out to the pub at lunchtime or just after work.

Does anybody else have a dh/dp like that. How do you feel about it?

[TigerFeet]

SHit sorry Emkana, I have railroaded your thread

[retires gracefully]

[duomonstermum]

tigerfeet, my DH is like this too. the thing is he'll go out with his friends but he hates me going out with mine. he freely admits to his double standards and he is trying but sometimes it's just easier not to go out. i know that it stems from his ex cheating on him but there are times when i just want to shake him and tell him to grow up! there's a group of us who've always gone out together since uni, but we now tend to meet at someone's house rather than go out. he knows where i am, he knows who i'm with and yet he can behave like a complete berk at times.

[emkana]

TigerFeet, I don't mind at all, please stay!

[littleboyblue]

My dp is like that.
He goes to work and he comes straight home. Every day. he doesn't go out unless WE go out, he is happy to stay in on his own or with me (nutter) and when we are out with friends he is very quiet and when people try to include him in convos he looks at them like they are a bit mad and takes that little bit too long to answer them.
I hate it coz sometimes it seems like he's being really rude, he isn't though, he just won't talk unless he's got something to say.
Sometimes I wanna grab him by the shoulders and just shake him!

[suedonim]

Wrt the OP, my dh is definitely a loner. But he's not as extreme as some of the examples here, it's more that he doesn't make any effort to have a social life. If I organise it, that's fine, he's happy to join in. Ds1 is very, very like him. They're both cats that walk by themselves.

[soopermum1]

you have just described my DH to a tee. seems to do a lot of chatting and joking around at work, but no friends whatsoever outside and doesn't see them outside of work. his family are on the other side of the world, mine's is on the other side of the country. i have a small handful of female friends and go out on the odd work 'do' but i really envy those couple who all meet up at weekends for barbecues etc. sometimes our relationship gets a bit tense and i think it's because when we're together, it's just us and DS. i'm very confident with people i know, but pretty shy with those i don't and i kick myself and blame myself entirely but i think he's held me back from making more friends. he is ok about me gonig out with my friends without him, but used to sulk when we were younger.

previous boyfriend was the same, seemed happy to dump friends when he met me and just wanted to spend time just the two of us.

both men have great personalities and are engaging and interesting when they're in the mood.

maybe i just went for a 'type'.

[onthepier]

My ds is generally happy in his own company. He has friends but on a functional basis, to watch football with, go cycling with, etc. He says he "doesn't do" small talk when I ask why he was quiet if we've had people over, or seen someone we know in town.

If people chat to him about sport, something in the news or work related chat he's fine, but simple "how are you" conversations are met by yes + no answers.

I'm quite sociable, + luckily so are both of our dc's!

If we're all invited to something together and it's pre-planned he'll come + make an effort, but spur of the moment things are, "You + the kids go, you'll enjoy it, it's not as if I've got anything in common with anyone there"!

I then have to make excuses as to why he's not there, or insist he comes + it's obvious he's not enjoying it!

He does a lot with the dc's, but these tend to be taking them to national trust places + art exhibitions etc. If I suggest he comes to a funfair he's suddenly got "things to do!"

[GrapefruitMoon]

I think there have been a couple of similar threads to this in the past (and I've been on all of them...)

Will post more later but you are not alone in this and I too wish we had more "couple" friends. Having said that, I find more and more than when I meet a woman and we develop a friendship, I rarely warm to her dh in the same way.... so can't blame my dh for not being too keen on them either! - and I had lots of good male friends when i was younger...

[Mercy]

I sound like your dh emkana (have only read your op)

I'll be back to read the whole thread later, and try to explain from my pov.

[hairtwiddler]

Yes, mine is very happy with his own company, and with mine. He has a few friends of his own, most of whom live far away. He's happy just pottering about, and thinks nothing of going to a concert or the cinema alone. I'm the complete opposite.

To begin with, it bugged me, now I'm happy that he's usually around when needed! I sometimes wish he had friends close by...he did have a couple but they moved away!

I think DD is going to be similar.

[Ripeberry]

My dad has never had any "friends" he is just happy with his own company and works from home so does not interact with many other people only by e-mail.
He is not into sports or politics but he can talk the hind leg off a donkey about science
and classical music.
Maybe he's a nerd.
Don't suppose my Mum made it easy for him either as for years she had Agraphobia and did not want to go out.
They have not had a holiday for over 20yrs and do not seem bothered by it.
At least my DH socialises via his hobby (restoring an old coach) and he goes out with work.
I like to join groups and do volunteering and also am on a committee which is a great place to meet people and stay in tune with what's happening localy.

[Ripeberry]

I'm a bit that my best friend has been living in France for the last 3 years.
We met at a mother and baby group and saw each other nearly everyday.
She may have to like in France permanently now and i'm so gutted, as i was sure i had met my BEST friend.
But we are visiting her in August for a few days so looking forward to it.

[Mercy]

Right, I've read the thread and see that SSSandy has already explained some of the things I was going to say.

Is your dh also undemonstrative? I know I am and have had to learn to be more spontaneously affectionate with the dc (I've learnt a lot from dd who is only 7)

I would say that as a loner it's partly down to shyness and that may stem from feeling different and apart from the mainstream - and it can become a vicious circle in the long term. Oddly enough I like outgoing people and some of them like me.

Sometimes I need to be told to socialise (for the dc), other times I need to run away from noise and chitter chatter but there are also times when I love going out and gossiping etc!

I am mostly aware of what I'm like and don't always like the way I am tbh. I don't stop my dh from going out but then I rarely initiate a social event (apart from family)

Not the most coherent of posts but there you go!

[gooseegg]

www.mypersonality.info/personality-types/

They probably have INTJ preferences.

[ByTheSea]

My DH is like that, but claims it is because he doesn't live near any of his old friends and has a long commute. He does occasionally go out for a bit after work with work colleagues or friends, but it doesn't happen very often. He loves it and is very happy to be in social situations though.

I honestly don't mind much, as I don't live near my old friends or family either and DH is very devoted to me and the DC. We tend to stick together mostly and he's my best friend. We hang out together mostly every night, but if I want to go out with friends or pursue some of my hobbies or interests, he is more than happy to stay home with the DC.

[micegg]

I'd like DH to be more like this! He is the total opposite. I have to virtually tie him to the sofa to make him stay in. Can be very annoying!