My strangest expierence with a female - what was that?

[PabThePablo]

So that girl starts messaging me first: in general she talks a lot about failed relationships and having zero interest in dating (she’s been hurt), she even shows me how she shuts down guys who hit on her + she strongly keeps things in the “just friends” frame with me (I was cool with it).
Then she starts texting me LITERALLY every day – sharing her day, asking A LOT about me. We did have great chemistry (text-wise), but I didn’t like it – it was too much for “friends”. I try to pull away from it, and she chases.
I was like… we do have a good chemistry. Maybe “I don’t date” is just a safety thing? So here I go…

First I send her a Christmas gift (to see if she’d even give me her personal details since it’s an online friendship — NO PROBLEM, she loved it), then I introduce flirting — SHE HERSELF KEEPS ESCALATING IT, then I invite her to a casual “getting to know each other” meetup — SHE AGREES IMMEDIATELY (2 hours drive on her behalf).

It looked amazing until… a week before the meetup, “her depression gets worse,” we cancel it, and I let it go. I was very suspicious about timing so I was like “maybe I should back off”. And so I did. She starts chasing again, but she doesn’t bring up meeting up at all. I gently bring up the meetup again — once again, immediately she says: “Yeah, we can do that :3”

A week later, when there’s finally room to actually meet, she suddenly pulls back hard and starts a slow fade (after 2 months of daily contact). She stops initiating and, while still being nice, dynamics shifts drastically. She’s out and so am I.

What in the world was that? It’s like she was super interested through text, but a simple coffee date was way too much. I know for a fact that she’s not taken or actively dating (I tried to investigate).

"A female"? I suspect I'd you hang around in circles where that's a normal way to refer to women, then that's part of the problem

How old are you?

She wasn’t interested in you. She might have been intense but that doesn’t mean she wanted anything other than friendship. Sending her a gift so that you could get her address is creepy

I'm not a native speaker. Sorry.

We exchanged gifts, I just wanted to see if I am "a real person" to her, thats all.

You haven’t met this woman (assuming it’s a real person at all). Do more with people in the real world. Long text exchanges are a really really bad idea as you are essentially building a relationship with a fantasy - I speak from experience here.

Lovely day here - make plans to go and do something with other people, social/active/volunteering, let them know you’re interested in dating; they will have friends, colleagues, siblings… build your network.

Sounds like a scammer or catfishing, but if you refer to women as females and send gifts just to get addresses, you come across as creepy, too, and like a potentially easy target.

See if you were a “real person”? I don’t know what that means.

Either way, she’s not into you. Are you very young?

English is not my native language. I didn't know females is so offensive.

No, we are in our 30s.Uninterested women usually shut me down after I ask them out or agree/and ghost right after. This one kept going, but did everything she could not to meet. I've never seen something like this.

It could be that she was just worried about meeting for some reason. Or just worried about getting involved with someone because of her previous bad experience, thought she would give it a go, then when it came down to it she couldn't go through with it

There’s something off here. She wasn’t into you. I feel like you’re trying to invite criticism of this woman which she doesn’t deserve.

I'm just trying to understand why uninterested woman texted me everyday for nearly 2 months, flirted with me, and agreed to meetup 3 times. It messes with my head really badly.

Clearly, there was something about you that made her decide she didn’t want to take it further. that’s it

You talk about her flirting with you and how that means there’s something weird about her changing her mind. That’s such a weird headspace and reminds me of a certain type of man.

She was just using you? She just wanted a texting buddy? She's a time waster.

Just forget about it.

And yeah, in English the word 'female' isn't considered a polite way to refer to a woman. She's a woman. Not a female. Not a girl.

The fact she talks early on about failed relationships and being hurt indicates the problem most likely stems from there. Sounds like she needs to work on past issues or trauma before trying to move on as clearly not quite ready. Not fair of her to chase and drop and play with other peoples emotions. I would tread very carefully

OP she is using you because she’s bored.

She wants you there to listen to all of her problems but doesn’t actually want to take it any further.

She’ll drop you as soon as she finds someone else.

It’s not you, it’s nothing personal.
She’s just a user and not a nice person.

You need to put your focus on someone else.

FWIW I use the term males and females all of the time, loads of people do.

I use the term females when I’m talking about women and girls of any age.

I am a female and proud.
I used to be a girl but now I am a woman but I have always and will always be female.

Some people just love to be offended about everything so don’t feel bad about using that word.

The word female IS NOT OFFENSIVE it just mumsnet some like to pick.
It would have been the same if you said woman or girl.

A few examples are below.

I met a woman today MN what do you mean woman.
Shes a lovely girl MN what you saying shes a woman.
I saw a female im getting to know MN why use the word female its offensive.

Sometimes you just cant win on here.
Im a grown adult woman but still say yeah im a girl.

Fgs a female is a woman a male is a man.
Its not offensive one bloody bit.

Im english and never have i ever been offended with someone asking if im female or being called a female.

I think she’s real, unless she has asked you for money. Having you hooked but disappearing before asking for money makes me think she’s real.

She’s had failed relationships and is maybe feeling traumatised by that, she knows that at some point she wants to retry, she enjoys the interaction but when it comes to the crunch, she gets scared. I say don’t take it personally and move on. With online dating, that’s par for the course, I’m afraid.

@PabThePablo when you say "she started messaging you.." was this on a dating app?

If someone started messaging me, out of the blue, I would be highly suspicious. I am, however, a little disconnected from how the modern world works, but a random message from a stranger just seems really bizarre in my head. Sometimes I am really pleased I'm old.

I agree with the other poster who mentioned catfishing. One blip where you don't meet, fine but pushing you away then chasing you is poor behaviour in any prospective relationship friends or otherwise. Coupled with the confusing messages of being friends, then flirting, nah. Sounds like they are getting you on their hook to me.

Have you actually had a videochat with her or just images?

Any language teacher would tell you that the English word you are looking for is 'Woman'. Not 'girl' (that is a child), not 'female' (that could be referring to any species).

You wouldn't refer to an adult man as a 'boy' or a 'male' would you, now? And stop using capital letters so much.

By the way, she is not interested in you.

Is she actually a woman?

I mean plenty of people just want to chat online, not meet.
It does seem she was very clear she just wanted a friendship but you ignored that and started flirting anyway. I mean my goodness she couldn’t have been more clear and yet you bulldozed the boundaries anyway. And now becuase she is not pulling you up in your bullshit you think she likes you back in that way 🙄

Maybe she wants to meet as friends but pulls back becuase you seem to want something more.

Or maybe she’s just an online chatter and that’s all she wants.

Or maybe she’s a bloke in Nigeria.

No way to know without hearing her side.

Don't bother replying if you're so hostile towards me.