My strangest expierence with a female - what was that?

[PabThePablo]

So that girl starts messaging me first: in general she talks a lot about failed relationships and having zero interest in dating (she’s been hurt), she even shows me how she shuts down guys who hit on her + she strongly keeps things in the “just friends” frame with me (I was cool with it).
Then she starts texting me LITERALLY every day – sharing her day, asking A LOT about me. We did have great chemistry (text-wise), but I didn’t like it – it was too much for “friends”. I try to pull away from it, and she chases.
I was like… we do have a good chemistry. Maybe “I don’t date” is just a safety thing? So here I go…

First I send her a Christmas gift (to see if she’d even give me her personal details since it’s an online friendship — NO PROBLEM, she loved it), then I introduce flirting — SHE HERSELF KEEPS ESCALATING IT, then I invite her to a casual “getting to know each other” meetup — SHE AGREES IMMEDIATELY (2 hours drive on her behalf).

It looked amazing until… a week before the meetup, “her depression gets worse,” we cancel it, and I let it go. I was very suspicious about timing so I was like “maybe I should back off”. And so I did. She starts chasing again, but she doesn’t bring up meeting up at all. I gently bring up the meetup again — once again, immediately she says: “Yeah, we can do that :3”

A week later, when there’s finally room to actually meet, she suddenly pulls back hard and starts a slow fade (after 2 months of daily contact). She stops initiating and, while still being nice, dynamics shifts drastically. She’s out and so am I.

What in the world was that? It’s like she was super interested through text, but a simple coffee date was way too much. I know for a fact that she’s not taken or actively dating (I tried to investigate).

"Female" and "male" are adjectives, not nouns. Trying to use them as nouns is objectifying.

In the same vein, you would (I hope) not refer to people of colours as "blacks" - you'd say "black people".

Referring to groups of people with an adjective forced to do the work of a noun is always, in my observation, an indicator that you are "othering*" that group and/or treating them as one homogeneous mass.

*yes, that's a back-formed verb, another practise of which I'm not fond, but that's enough language pedantry for one day.

She's real. She never asked me for any money and she told me where she works. She even introduced me to her friends through group chat (it was weird as hell).

She bulldozed the boundaries first. Texting me every single day (even in the New Year's Eve) and sharing her day, asking about literally everything is not a friend-like dynamic. That's what couples do or in rare cases best friends. Not strangers. But yeah, I'm the bad guy. Sure.

I don't think that's that offensive - it has different nuances depending on context - and for a non-native speaker it was fine.

Honestly? She's playing games. She's coming on intense, you back away, she chases you harder.

Friends and romantic partners both need to be honest in how they act (as do you, naturally). She wasn't. Keep clear.

It can take quite a few months before the money requests come in and catfishers don't always work alone so group chats aren't a failsafe in any way. Also catfishing isn't always about money sometimes it's about control although it ususally does end up with some money somewhere along the line.

Sorry I don't want to be negative but there are massive issues here. Your friend jumps into her bad experience history really quickly, tells you that you are a friend and then actively flirts with you, jumps at the chance to meet you then backs out a few days to a week beforehand, blows hot and cold texting daily and then dropping out. That's not what friends do, it's certainly not what prospective partners do. Anyone decent would build a relationship with you, this isn't a relationship it's a whirlwind that picks up and escalates fast then suddenly drops.

Even if what your friend has told you is absolutely true, her behaviour says "not ready for a relationship". If you want a relationship with someone, you'd be better off stop wasting your time with her and finding someone who is ready.

Did you at any point tell her not to?
No, you flirted with her and asked to meet up.

And no, friends do tend to text eachother happy new year. I think the problem is a lot of men don't realise a woman is friend material as they are too fixated on their dick.

You clearly don't even like her yet you still want her meet her. So yes you are the bad guy. Duh.

For the record, I hate texting people and it would 💯 annoy me if she texted me every day too. Lots of guys are also like that. So you tell them that you aren't into that. Then they respect those boundaries or they don't. If they don't, you block them. You don't ask them out.

And I'm not sayi saying she isn't also an arse by the way. But at least she likes you as a person. You don't even like her, you just want to smash.

So you use 'a female' not 'a woman'?

There are plenty of us non-UK people on here who learned to say the words 'woman', 'girl', 'man', 'boy' quite early on in our language journeys.

So basically, 'Martin, put a shirt on.'

P.S. Block and Move on.

Well well well. There are dozens of threads on here with the exact question but the poster is a woman and the other person a guy. Basically they enjoy the online flirting, the attention, but have no desire or intention to meet in real life and are probably already in a relationship but are a bit bored. And the advice given on all the other thread: Block and move on.

If she liked me as a person, she would not have ghosted me ;) She could have said "hey, we are friends, okay?". I could put up with it and I would have politely asked her to stop texting me all the time.

She didn't do that. She was happy with flirting and she agreed to meet up very easily. Then weird stuff began, as I said.

Very unlikely this was a woman. Probably a
man.

Mate. That doesn’t make her real….you need to wise up. You’ve probably been speaking to

1. a 15yr old girl
2. a 20yr old boy
3. a 60 yr old creep man

She's been stringing you alone, I'd have given up the first time she cancelled on the date. Life's too short

I would agree it does sound like a catfish tbh.

She was being polite and friendly whilst trying to think of a way to deter you in a nice way without having to resort to rudeness.

You knock yourself out. Most women don’t want to be called ‘a female’.

She could have said "I don't date, remember?". She had a perfect narrative for it. Why instead playing games?

You're getting a hard time here!

I think she was using you for a bit of texting entertainment. The way you'd chat and flirt on a night out but don't want to take it further.

I don't think you did anything wrong. You don't want a texting buddy, you pushed to try and make it something real, nothing wrong with that. But it's not what she wanted.

A man will tend try and get 'physical' - but sometimes a woman wants a sort of fantasy bloke to text, who never turns into real flesh and blood.

Just move on and forget about it. Get out in the sun and meet someone real!

Thank you for polite answer. I really don't like this place. I've been played and ghosted and they say I'm the bad guy lol

You've walked into the vipers nest don't you know? 😃

But seriously - let it go. She wasn't ready to make it more than texting. Her reasons are her own. Get on with life 👍😊

Why did you keep messaging her back if you thought she was too intense? Why did you send presents to someone you'd never met? I don't think she's the only one acting oddly here.

Why do you need to be reminded? You clearly remember.

Why doesn't no mean no to you? Why does it have to be repeated?

Yes I'm being hard on you op. But its still valid.

Because she acted like it doesn't apply. Are you a woman? Let me (the stranger, man) text you everyday, compliment you, ask about you in details for three weeks. Am I weird to see it as someone who MAY BE interested? I don't think so. I do have friends and its totally different. It was too personal. Seriously, I'm not the bad guy. I got hurt and I'm trying to understand it. I didn't do anything bad to her.

Because I'm lonely as f*ck and we had great chemistry. It is what it is.

💐
Did you meet on a dating ap?