Help to repair relationship with 12 yr old DS before it's too late

[Outofmydepth28]

Please help. I feel completely out of my depth with DS1 at the moment and I don’t know what to do anymore.
(Sorry for the long post!)

He’s 12, in Year 7, and the last few months have been incredibly difficult. At big school he’s doing brilliantly: polite, hardworking, well-liked by teachers, a model student. He is at a state comprehensive but it is quite academic and full-on. By the time he comes home he is exhausted and overwhelmed, and home life has become really difficult.

He’s angry with me constantly. Tiny things turn into huge arguments. He refuses simple requests, ignores boundaries, and speaks to me in ways that are totally unacceptable, telling me "fuck you" and to piss off, etc. Recently he refused to hand over his phone and because he’s physically bigger and stronger than me now, I realised I simply can’t manage situations like that in the way I used to. I don’t want physical confrontations anyway, but it left me feeling powerless. (On this occasion he did eventually hand it over but I keep thinking what would have happened if he hadn't?)

There’s a lot of background to this... His father and I had a very traumatic divorce several years ago involving multiple court proceedings, and repeated accusations to police and social services by exH. All the social services and complaints to police were NFA but it's left me feeling very scarred and I have totally lost faith in the system. ExH wanted to have full custody of both DC although we have a lives with order where they see him EOW and Wed - Thu. He told so many lies about me in the family court... If it had been another court he would have surely been convicted for lying.

We are currently living with my parents because financially I had little choice after the separation, and I know DS1 hates it. He hates sharing a room with DS2, who is 8, he hates not having space, hates feeling different from his peers.
DS2 is awaiting assessment for autism and can be challenging at times, which adds another layer of tension in the house. DS1 often targets him with teasing and cruelty, though I know underneath it all he is not a cruel child. Outside of home he can be incredibly compassionate, with friends' younger children, elderly relatives with dementia, or younger cousins with severe and profound additional needs. That contrast is part of what hurts so much. I know there is still a kind and sensitive boy underneath all this anger.

ExH's parenting style has also changed dramatically over the years, from very hands-off to suddenly strict and punitive, and I think this has put me off putting into place any sanctions because the absolute 180 exH did when he got a new girlfriend who encouraged "sanctions" really scared and upset DS and even now he will cry and say how he misses "the old dad" (the girlfriend is long gone, he has had a string of them and they never last more than a year). Suddenly DS would lose priviliges like no PlayStation for the whole weekend for "back chat". I also know that DS1 protects DS2 when they are with their dad and takes the blame for stuff. He is very much in the protector role when they have contact. The holidays we share 50/50 and I am dreading the summer as they'll be away for 3 weeks and they always come back all over the place. They both used to just be very clingy to the extent they'd panic if I had to use the bathroom but now DS1 is extra upset and angry when he comes back (DS2 still acts clingy).

I’ve always tried to parent gently, talk things through, encourage emotional openness, all the crunchy parenting studf but lately DS completely shuts down any attempt at connection. He mostly wants to be alone in his room on screens. If I try to spend time with him, he usually rejects it. (I attended a workshop on how to parent tweets and it said to join in with their interests so I did this by trying to watch manga with him but he just did not want me there.

Recently he has started criticising everything I do: the food I buy ("UPF shit"), the way I parent ("why are you so agitated?" and "you just take pills and vape"), our financial situation ("why are you always broke? Why do you always buy stuff on Vinted?"). Some of this clearly echoes things said elsewhere; exH is currently on a health-kick and seems to have orthorexic tendencies. He was always getting obsessed about new hobbies, to the extent he would not see me or DC because he was busy with his latest money-making scheme / hobby. DS1 is also angry that the former marital home is now being sold because I had to take it to court as exH refused to sell for many years. He is saying I am making his dad homeless. He doesn't seem to realise I have effectively been homeless and relying on my own parents for several years now.

I work full-time and I’m exhausted. I do my best, but I can’t cook from scratch every night or creates some perfect calm environment. I’m barely surviving at this point. I have a chronic health condition which I believe was triggered by being in an abusive relationship with exH.

What worries me most is how unhappy DS seems underneath the anger. Sometimes after exploding he becomes deeply remorseful, cries uncontrollably, apologises, and seems genuinely distressed by his own behaviour. Tonight we had another huge argument because I wouldn’t let him eat dinner alone in bed. I insisted he eat downstairs with the family and he reacted by shutting himself away and sobbing with frustration. Sometimes he just screams with rage until he is hoarse.

But I’m exhausted, sad, and increasingly worried about both of us.

I tried the Oliver James lovebombing book and it made not a jot of difference.

I absolutely can't ask exH for help; at best he will delight in the fact that I am struggling and at worst he will use anything and everything against me in the family court or the case he is invariablly building against me. Both DC do not want to spend more time with exH; DS1 will say he wants to go live with dad but then later will say he didn't mean it.

I have gone through DS' phone and I can't find anything untoward in any messages (apart very insidious criticism of me from exH). I don't think he is being bullied and he isn't looking at anything misogynistic it is just silly stuff.

I'm so exhausted. I hate seeing DS so unhappy. I'm so ashamed of the way he treats me and DS2 and can't talk to anyone about it; most families avoid getting too close to me or exH as everyone knows about our "messy divorce" although they don't know the abuse I suffered. If anyone's read "why does he do that?" exH was the Water Torturer type. He made me feel like I was going mad, I ended up being referred to AMHT and he was really keen to get me labelled as having BPD which I don't have. I feel like I need to start repairing things NOW before DS becomes a teenager.

Help??

I thought @BertieBotts’ post was really helpful.

I agree that the less you mention or try to appease your ex, the better.

Thank you very much I will definitely read this.

Yes I definitely do have fears around him: I am worried mostly that he is unhappy. Also that his dad is manipulative and he doesn't realise that his dad is playing him because it's his dad, and he is supposed to trust his dad. Also that his relationship with grandparents and DS2 is at breaking point, not just my relationship with him. Lastly I am so, so scared about him falling in with a bad crowd because he is already vulnerable to this from being unhappy and having a broken home (hate that expression) and not having a positive male role model around. He has my dad but he is elderly. And his dad is not a positive male role model.

I have been having therapy for years but I am not finding my therapist especially useful anymore. I think I need to find a new one to be honest.

Yes I think that fear of family court, police and especially social services has made me really worried about my exH and what he will do if he finds out e.g. I am taking away DS' phone or something. I know it is irrational and I need to have more of an attitude of "my house, my rules" even if they are different rules to my exH's. I do not want to be "strict", DS gets upset sometimes and says I never used to be strict but now I am. I know deep down I am not a strict parent at all, I do let a lot slide, but it has got to the point where I am putting up with totally unacceptable behaviour now and I can't even talk about it in real life due to the shame of it. I don't want people who know DS in real life thinking he is a monster, because he isn't. But he is scary when upset and getting bigger all the time.
Also I don't want to feel judged and this is on me because I lost friends in the divorce etc.

Re the autism/narcissism/psycopathy conversation, it's a myth that autistic people don't experience empathy. It's more that they don't automatically pick up on social norms. So there are a set of social behaviours or cultural norms which non-autistic people use to communicate that they are feeling and expressing empathy, or possibly more sympathy really. Autistic people don't naturally learn and perform these behaviours because they don't pick up on social norms in the way that non-autistic people do. All the tests which have been used to show that autistic people don't experience empathy are reliant on these social norms which is why it was thought until fairly recently that autistic children don't develop empathy like their peers.

Psychopathy/sociopathy is the condition which actually involves a lack of empathy. The person can usually pick up on social norms so they can perform empathy, but they do not experience it.