Help to repair relationship with 12 yr old DS before it's too late

[Outofmydepth28]

Please help. I feel completely out of my depth with DS1 at the moment and I don’t know what to do anymore.
(Sorry for the long post!)

He’s 12, in Year 7, and the last few months have been incredibly difficult. At big school he’s doing brilliantly: polite, hardworking, well-liked by teachers, a model student. He is at a state comprehensive but it is quite academic and full-on. By the time he comes home he is exhausted and overwhelmed, and home life has become really difficult.

He’s angry with me constantly. Tiny things turn into huge arguments. He refuses simple requests, ignores boundaries, and speaks to me in ways that are totally unacceptable, telling me "fuck you" and to piss off, etc. Recently he refused to hand over his phone and because he’s physically bigger and stronger than me now, I realised I simply can’t manage situations like that in the way I used to. I don’t want physical confrontations anyway, but it left me feeling powerless. (On this occasion he did eventually hand it over but I keep thinking what would have happened if he hadn't?)

There’s a lot of background to this... His father and I had a very traumatic divorce several years ago involving multiple court proceedings, and repeated accusations to police and social services by exH. All the social services and complaints to police were NFA but it's left me feeling very scarred and I have totally lost faith in the system. ExH wanted to have full custody of both DC although we have a lives with order where they see him EOW and Wed - Thu. He told so many lies about me in the family court... If it had been another court he would have surely been convicted for lying.

We are currently living with my parents because financially I had little choice after the separation, and I know DS1 hates it. He hates sharing a room with DS2, who is 8, he hates not having space, hates feeling different from his peers.
DS2 is awaiting assessment for autism and can be challenging at times, which adds another layer of tension in the house. DS1 often targets him with teasing and cruelty, though I know underneath it all he is not a cruel child. Outside of home he can be incredibly compassionate, with friends' younger children, elderly relatives with dementia, or younger cousins with severe and profound additional needs. That contrast is part of what hurts so much. I know there is still a kind and sensitive boy underneath all this anger.

ExH's parenting style has also changed dramatically over the years, from very hands-off to suddenly strict and punitive, and I think this has put me off putting into place any sanctions because the absolute 180 exH did when he got a new girlfriend who encouraged "sanctions" really scared and upset DS and even now he will cry and say how he misses "the old dad" (the girlfriend is long gone, he has had a string of them and they never last more than a year). Suddenly DS would lose priviliges like no PlayStation for the whole weekend for "back chat". I also know that DS1 protects DS2 when they are with their dad and takes the blame for stuff. He is very much in the protector role when they have contact. The holidays we share 50/50 and I am dreading the summer as they'll be away for 3 weeks and they always come back all over the place. They both used to just be very clingy to the extent they'd panic if I had to use the bathroom but now DS1 is extra upset and angry when he comes back (DS2 still acts clingy).

I’ve always tried to parent gently, talk things through, encourage emotional openness, all the crunchy parenting studf but lately DS completely shuts down any attempt at connection. He mostly wants to be alone in his room on screens. If I try to spend time with him, he usually rejects it. (I attended a workshop on how to parent tweets and it said to join in with their interests so I did this by trying to watch manga with him but he just did not want me there.

Recently he has started criticising everything I do: the food I buy ("UPF shit"), the way I parent ("why are you so agitated?" and "you just take pills and vape"), our financial situation ("why are you always broke? Why do you always buy stuff on Vinted?"). Some of this clearly echoes things said elsewhere; exH is currently on a health-kick and seems to have orthorexic tendencies. He was always getting obsessed about new hobbies, to the extent he would not see me or DC because he was busy with his latest money-making scheme / hobby. DS1 is also angry that the former marital home is now being sold because I had to take it to court as exH refused to sell for many years. He is saying I am making his dad homeless. He doesn't seem to realise I have effectively been homeless and relying on my own parents for several years now.

I work full-time and I’m exhausted. I do my best, but I can’t cook from scratch every night or creates some perfect calm environment. I’m barely surviving at this point. I have a chronic health condition which I believe was triggered by being in an abusive relationship with exH.

What worries me most is how unhappy DS seems underneath the anger. Sometimes after exploding he becomes deeply remorseful, cries uncontrollably, apologises, and seems genuinely distressed by his own behaviour. Tonight we had another huge argument because I wouldn’t let him eat dinner alone in bed. I insisted he eat downstairs with the family and he reacted by shutting himself away and sobbing with frustration. Sometimes he just screams with rage until he is hoarse.

But I’m exhausted, sad, and increasingly worried about both of us.

I tried the Oliver James lovebombing book and it made not a jot of difference.

I absolutely can't ask exH for help; at best he will delight in the fact that I am struggling and at worst he will use anything and everything against me in the family court or the case he is invariablly building against me. Both DC do not want to spend more time with exH; DS1 will say he wants to go live with dad but then later will say he didn't mean it.

I have gone through DS' phone and I can't find anything untoward in any messages (apart very insidious criticism of me from exH). I don't think he is being bullied and he isn't looking at anything misogynistic it is just silly stuff.

I'm so exhausted. I hate seeing DS so unhappy. I'm so ashamed of the way he treats me and DS2 and can't talk to anyone about it; most families avoid getting too close to me or exH as everyone knows about our "messy divorce" although they don't know the abuse I suffered. If anyone's read "why does he do that?" exH was the Water Torturer type. He made me feel like I was going mad, I ended up being referred to AMHT and he was really keen to get me labelled as having BPD which I don't have. I feel like I need to start repairing things NOW before DS becomes a teenager.

Help??

Sorry to hear. Must be v hard for you all. I was wondering if you get a share of the house sale and whether this may help in the medium term?

I don't think it will because DS is so upset that I am stealing his dad's home. And also I won't be able to afford anything like his friends' houses as they are all quite wealthy.
I think it will be nice to have a bit of space from the DGPs though. But things are moving so slooowly as exH is making things very hard.

Ok you’re not the problem. So don’t believe that, or that you somehow need to reconnect. He is absolutely connected to you. He is safe with you and knows he can rely on you even if he behaves like a shit. I know it doesn’t sound positive, but the fact that he can offload to you is positive, even if his way of doing so isn’t.

Hormones will also be raging, and in a new school he’ll be working out where he fits in. It’s an incredibly stressful time for him.

I’d suggest a physical outlet for all that stress two or three times a week. Running? Football? Gym? Cycling? Is counselling something he’d consider?

Dog walking even?

I’m going to be honest with you, “I know underneath he is not a cruel child” is probably when your ex partner turned out the way he did. Because his parents saw what he was becoming and made excuses for it.

His father is abusive and he is going down the same route.
You would be wise to find a child psychologist asap.
I’m sorry and I don’t say this to upset you but you need to get on top of this.

And if you do ever feel at risk of physical violence. Or, think your other child is, please phone the police.

Now it is possible of course, that your first child is also autistic.
Often parents bear the brunt of that when they get home as they mask all day at school, causing outbursts at home.

The other huge problem is that his dad is influencing him.

You need to be very clear with your son “The house is not your father’s. It is half mine. Where did you get this idea that it was your father’s house?…that’s very strange”.

I think he will eventually understand that ‘Dad’s house’ actually belonged to you too and when you get a nice new home, and he can have his own room again, he will calm down. A lot of this is just normal for his age. It might take years for him to truly appreciate you but keep doing what you’re doing and he’ll get there.

I’m so sorry this sounds very stressful, exH sounds awful and it’s so frustrating that the UK divorce system is so crap and allows manipulative abusive narcissists to continue.

I also feel very sorry for your son, this must be an awful lot to contend with and he does sound unhappy.

Could you persuade him to see a therapist? It sounds like he’s really struggling with his emotions and talking to someone could help.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. It sounds excruciating and painful,but you have their best interests at heart. I hope things improve for you soon

My goodness, this does sound hard.

Don’t feel bad about establishing stronger boundaries and consequences. He is 12, you are the adult and you are in charge.

We parented gently and without giving details we have had some very poor and concerning behaviour now DD is 14 and we have started being much more punishing and consequential. So far it is working.

Some teens need a firmer hand, they need to know there are boundaries and consequences - but you still need to keep the connection. I think as long as you are consistent and explain why the phone has been taken away, that’s ok.

Ideally Dad needs to talk with him and tell him he has to behave for you and if he doesn’t the consequences will extend to his house. Sounds like dad not too much of a team player though?

A therapist for DS asap. He needs help
and it needs to be from him with an independent and specialist. The earlier he has help to understand his emotions and his behaviours the best for him. And I’m sorry to say, so that he doesn’t learn and deploy from his father. He needs to learn to be a man and he doesn’t have a good role model.

Does he ever get time to himself? Without anyone else in the room or making noise?
I used to get really angry as a teen because I shared a room. I never had any space to myself. There was always someone in the room or someone making noise. It still makes me angry as an adult if I don't get some time in a quiet space alone.
Try letting him eat dinner in his room. Or try to give him an hour in the evening with the room to himself. No popping in or interruptions.

This sounds challenging. I do think your eldest needs counselling support. You also need to set and maintain behaviours to provide consistency and ensure he understands why life has changed.

have you spoken to his school?

This does sound challenging and I echo a therapist. Your DS is not going to get the right example from his dad. It needs to come from somewhere else. He is already criticising you in a manner that is probably similar to your ex. Early adolescence can be when a traumatic divorce can suddenly resurface as children move towards adulthood. If you are open to it, getting your own therapist would help. You are not without feelings and it will help you through what seems like a very hard time.

Thank you all so much for your replies, and for reading my stupidly long post 😭

@ByGraptharsHammer when we first split he talked down to me a lot, I had not recognised it was the same manner as exH but siblings and friends did. It stopped for many years but now it is back. A sort of disdain / disgust, beyond his years. I have had therapy, and still am. I think it has really helped. I am not sure if DS would be open to it. Sometimes he says he would see the emotional well-being worker he had in primary school. I think she does private work. She worked with him for about 5 years.

DS also thinks that he might have ADHD. I have been saying this for ages... I recognise the ADHD rages and he is very forgetful / absent minded - but exH has started saying he himself is autiHD now.

But when I had parents evening nobody said anything. He could be masking though, the fatigue could be because of this.

Not spoke to school about the divorce specifically however exH has made all sorts of strange demands on the school, complained that we had to go together on parents evening, etc. Complained he doesn't want to contribute to the prom because he pays me maintenence and that is what maintenence is for. So I am sure the school know exH is a bit strange and that things are not exactly good between us.
The difficult behaviour has only been really recent.
Would school want to know about this? As he is fine when he is in school just not when he is at home!

This sounds so hard and it sounds as if you're trying your best. It does sound like DS is coping with a lot what with a divorce, going to high school, puberty kicking in and having a brother with additional needs. Counselling for him If you can afford it ... sometimes local charities like Mind do free or affordable help.

Are you getting any support for yourself as a carer for a child with sen and one who is really struggling? If funds are an issue, the voluntary sector can be a good place to start. Good luck OP.

He gets quite a bit of time to himself. DS2 tends to want to sleep in with my bed so whilst it is a shared bedroom, it is mostly just him in there. He will spend most of his time in there, I hate it for him because it just seems so so lonely. He gets the lounge about 2 hours a day when he is here because DS2 is at the after school club and his grandparents are out or busy in the kitchen.
I do think he finds spending time with DS2 very annoying. DS2 is very young for his age (in some ways, in other ways he is like an old man. He has a really spikey profile). I try to separate them when I can and do things individually but they both get upset if they don't see me. Even if they get to see their DGPs or aunties and uncles, cousins etc. They both just want me to themselves.
I do wonder if he blames DS2 for exH and I splitting up as DS2 was still only a baby when we first separated. (At exH's behest I might add. Not mine.)

Autism is highly heritable, it sounds like DS1 is Autistic. The controlling behaviour and somewhat extreme outbursts and criticisms remind me of my Autistic teen.

I have an emotionally abusive and manipulative ex. My son behaves in similar ways and has gone so far I was unable to cope with him being here.

I too have chronic illness. These are so severe I'm not primary carer and have been hospitalised with severe attacks of illness.

I read from your post; way too much guilt, way too much trying to fix all the problems your son has. He's going to struggle because he sounds Autistic. You're taking all this guilt and worry about how he is at the expense of yourself.

Does he enjoy time with his dad? I appreciate this is very controversial but you need a break and time for yourself because I know how demanding and exhausting ND kids can be ( I don't mean to cause offence but this is the reality for most). So, is it worth getting more time for yourself with him seeing the ex.

Can you afford counselling? It has been a life saver for me. I've had to make very self focused decisions which are not acceptable by society standards but have probably saved my life. So I can't recommend this enough. You have so much to deal with with the ex knobhead and high needs kids. ❤️

When I read each update, it reminds me of me. The level of self blame and despair you communicate regarding your child's wellbeing. I have done this to my detriment and people around me feed it.

He is not living in Afghanistan or walking miles for water each day. This trap is exactly what I fell into. I believe my son can be incredibly manipulative at times and take advantage of my over analytical and compassionate nature. I sense this is happening to you.

Sometimes, you have to be a.bit hard. I feel you need to find the harder egde here so you are not completely trodden over emotionally.

He has a roof. He has a loving mum. It's tough god damn shit he doesn't like sharing. Can you look at some of the really severe situations some kids are in and constantly remind yourself of this? And remind him if he keeps moaning to you about it. You're doing great, under very tough circumstances.

A counsellor will give you some support on this. You probably have no one saying these things to support you so you absorb your son's moaning, somewhat manipulative complaints, then the ex is also feeding this. You then start to believe it and take on the role of fixer. I want you to try see that you're over compensating massively from all I read.

I would keep an eye on school because it's likely he is masking all day to try fit in and then will be a nightmare when he gets home because of that. If school can provide appropriate support then he'll feel less stressed all round.

I really want to give your son a hug,, he sounds so unhappy . You've all been through so much and his life has changed completely . He's also going through puberty , has lost his home , his Dad and is living in someone else's house . I think I'd feel pretty upset and angry too . He's obviously taking it out on you which is very upsetting as you're doing your best and also having to adjust to enormous changes . Definitely try to get some counselling for him and speak to the school to see if they have any thing to offer kids in his position .

Although it sounds like you have really gone through the mill, what you describe sound like standard teenage fare, not trauma. He's developing his critical faculties. He's detaching from his parents as nature intended.

Have you read "Get Out of My Life but First Could You Take Alex and Me to Town"? So much good advice about parenting teens, why they do what they do, how you can build co operation, what is worth fighting and what is not. I found it really helpful.

Don't worry about a teenage boy spending hours alone in his bedroom. That's just what they do. They like it.

Oh OP- lots of your post resonated with me.

My DS is autistic and I recognise the burn out. I suspect your eldest is also ND so it would help to seek an assessment. Also take heart in the fact that kids act up in front of the safe parent- that’s you. He is being like this because you are a safe place to lash out.

he has a lot to deal with - it sounds like he’s more aware of his dad’s bad behaviour than he is letting on. Could the school put you in touch with a school counsellor? Get in touch with the send team - they don’t always need a diagnosis to help.

I also think my ex H sounds very similar to yours.

It sounds like your ex may be ND- the rigid thinking. You have my sympathy- it’s really hard.

but remember- you are doing the right thing for your son and one day he’ll acknowledge it with you. Just keep giving him love - even when he behaving like a complete shit.

i often lose it with my DS but I always tell him I love him

Thank you.
I am not sure whether i should just bite the bullet and go to camhs for DS.
ExH has refused to acknowledge that DS2 has anything wrong with him, that he doesn't see any meltdowns etc. but I think that this is because he doesn't feel safe to have meltdowns with exH as he gets cross and DS2 says he shouts at him 😥
Although as I say, exH is now saying he himself is both autistic and ADHD. Though I am not convinced.

Thank you.
Yes I do constantly tell DS "I love you" and he mostly says "I love you too". My heart is just breaking for him.
He really is being horrible but - at risk of sounding silly or in denial - he is not a bad kid.
He is definitely holding on to more than he admits in regards to exH. He said to his cousin that he hates that bastard... But it's his dad!! 😫

But also saying I have manipulated him and groomed him into hating his dad from a young age. When I have done nothing of the sort. I was a bit of a mess when we first split because I was so scared of all the malicious calls to police and social services and I spent a lot of time crying. But I never tried to turn him against his dad.

Speak to his ex worker or a therapist , get on the list for CAMHS. They may pick things up and make further referrals or he may just benefit from having somewhere else to vent all his rage instead of taking it out on you. If he's angry and sad he probably has a lot he wants to say but can't say to you.