Married to someone with Asperger’s/ASD/ ND: support thread 18

[Bluebellforest1]

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, some have ND children. It is a support thread and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations and try to keep it specific to you and your partner.

these threads have been going about 10 years now and have been a lifeline of support for many of us.

Previous thread
www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5447569-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-17?latest=1

Thank you, I understand now. My DH was abusive. It seems like if a threshold of some sort is not met, keeping on is the default. That’s helpful. Everyone’s threshold is individual to them. It helps explain it to me.

Yeah my ex was horrible. My H now is Autistic, rigid but underneath he has a lot of kindness. It’s just that kindness is like a default behaviour that he does that isn’t tied to him understanding if that makes sense. He offers everyone the same thing. I’ve got some horrid flu the moment. He’s done extra stuff but his demeanour hasn’t changed to show concern. He hasn’t given me a hug or looked sad for me or asked how I feel. He is still his rigid self. I think that’s what I’ve noticed about some ASD people, they don’t change who they are. When someone is sad I change and I’m sad for them. Your body language and words change, they don’t.

DH is exactly the same when I’m ill. I remember throwing up two Christmas’s ago due to norovirus and he did a bit more around the house. At one point when I was actually being sick he said “oh poor Morrisons” as he brushed his teeth at bedtime but that was it. He never asked me after how I was feeling or anything that looked like concern. I would just be careful as when the shit really hits the fan when you’re seriously ill, would he look after you? Quite a few of us have found out the answer is no he won’t.

classicslove - cancer
ohdostopwafflingjeremy - cancer
morrisons26, me - endoneurocrine emergency and post operatively too

I feel like a lot of us are in a one sided contract that perhaps we aren’t aware of. I know I wasn’t. All three of us were so shocked at our DH’s responses.

Anyway, I’ll stop labouring the point. Because I’m empathetic I feel concern for everyone here, to try and help them avoid what I went through as it was so painful and has changed me forever. I hope you find peace and happiness, all of you.

I do believe that he would understand something like cancer because it’s a well known thing. He was very sad about his grandparents who died of very obvious things and he helped them an awful lot. I think it just comes down to what he can understand. I think the scale of what he can understand is quite narrow and it’s quite fixed. Me saying I don’t know what’s wrong I just feel ill is something he can’t understand, that fact I look white as a ghost and shaking he can’t seem to notice. It does scare me because at what point do I ask for an ambulance, what if I’m worse then I think and he doesn’t notice. I have to stop myself from believing that just because something isn’t mirrored it doesn’t make it not happening. I have done this an awful lot with my feelings until my body gets sick. I look for the reaction in others to gage how I feel and because no one in my family can mirror it’s got me ignoring myself.

Something to really teach your children is to pick a good mirror in a partner. Things just dissipate when they are acknowledged.

I think they struggle to understand complex emotional beings as much as we struggle to understand complex logical beings. You can’t be what you are not.

One thing I’ve noticed, especially with the in-laws is that they don’t acknowledge your feeling. I was with them the other week. I was trying to book something that I had be waiting to do and I was too late and it was fully booked. I was sad, as in sighing. The mum just said “oh well it doesn’t matter”. But it did matter to me and that kind of comment makes me dislike them. I think what is happening is they are just less affected by their feelings. I am affected by how I feel. They just get on with things, that is how they dish out their advice. They live this way, you could be laying on the floor with your leg hanging off, they’d take you to hospital then just carry on as normal. Which to someone who doesn’t feel is good advice but just ignoring and moving on without acknowledging is not good advice to all. When I had the miscarriage it was just oh well back up to work then, no space for getting over the feelings.

Re illness - a few years ago I had a minor procedure under general anaesthetic. My eldest took me home that night, we had a coffee etc and she went.

I was basically fine, but next day thought I’d ask youngest, ASD, living with me, if she could get me more painkillers (and chocolate lol) from the shop before she went to work - 4 hours hence and shop 5 mins walk.

She threw an absolute fit about it - I was obviously more than fine having had coffee with her sister last night, and she was obviously more than busy with work - in 4 hours. Maybe it was her plans being altered idk. It was not pleasant and I didn’t think I’d asked over much.

I took myself - stayed out with a shop coffee - but on my return home my ASD daughter had booked her work shift off - got steaks out and was planning me a lovely tea and full of apologies - she didn’t need this extreme apology though I appreciated it - she said she’d just not realised about it all - guess she checked up with her sisters or Google maybe.

Is there some way of facts making your guys understand a little better? Experience is usually the way with my daughter tbh - and otoh we continued to have debates about my ‘obsession with cooker cleaning’ due to her putting gluten stuff in, unwrapped and straight to rack when I’m coeliac - it took years for her to get gluten an issue for me - fights and facts didn’t make much difference for that so maybe the story above was a bit of an anomaly anyway.

It is very hard.

My daughter only understands things that happen to her and then that’s very loose. If it doesn’t affect her or happen to her then it doesn’t exist. If what effects you effects her, as in if I’m sick and she is scared because she hates people vomiting then her scared takes precedence. She will say when you are sick I’m scared I’ll loose you and I can’t loose you. She isn’t worried about how I feel for me because being sick feels rubbish. There is just this selfness about her, how all things affect her and that takes precedence. Perhaps you asking for coffee upset the balance inside her because that could mean she might be late, that wasn’t the plan, what will be the consequences, she reacted to the internal discomfort.

The daughter that showed up in the end is the regulated version of her who had time to process. That is quite lovely.

Yes when my Mum died, I said to DH how hard it was to go through her house and throw most of her life away, how much it troubled and saddened me. My brother and I did it slowly as we didn't want to rush things. We were both in a dark place after 2.5y cancer battle trying to keep her alive.

DH didn't understand and said "just get rid of them quickly, it's causing you to feel sad, move on as quickly as you can and try to forget the memories. I'd just throw it all away and be done with it".

I couldn't help but relate that to me, if I died. So I said "oh, is that what you'd do with my stuff if I died?"

He didn't reply.

So presumably that's just his way of dealing with stuff. Move on and forget the memories. It hurts though. It really hurts. Yes I've told my daughter she must find someone who genuinely feels things. How important it is to find a relational supportive partner.

This is it. They can't think beyond themselves. DH has openly said this to me in as much as "This is who I am. I can't change".

He knows he is the way he is and he can see that I'm different. To be fair to him, he told me a few times that this is what I am when I repeatedly asked for more.

I guess it's just not in him.

Likewise, he can't understand something unless it's happening to him. He must live it. So now we are separated, I guess he knows what divorce feels like. Until then, he couldn't know it.

As for interruptions to plans, yes, they get very vexxed about that. They have a plan and it must be seen through. And every day has a plan... so it's hard to ever interrupt them for anything. Sigh.

I think the thing is that gets forgotten is that they have a disability and just because they are high functioning doesn’t mean that they don’t need support as much as those who function lower. We wouldn’t expect a lower functioning person to do the things we often ask them to do. I think many people needed more support then they ever got and probably still do. I also think ego stops them for realising this. What feels like being pushed away or ignored is simply the disability.

Whether we would have entered into this relationship if we’d have known is a different question. I love my kids to death but if they continue then they will make difficult partners and they will always needs. They would need to choose a partner who understands this.

@Marshmallowkiss i fully agree with you there.

We’ve talked quite a bit on these threads about the fact we are scaffolding our partners.
I think a situation where we suddenly ‘stop functioning’ to the level we were doesn’t just mean more things for them to do. It also means the disappearance of the scaffolding they’ve been relying on to function.
No wonder they then have no spare capacity for what they would find hard anyway - emotional attunement, what most people would call caring or showing empathy.

Yes my H has got a bit flappy and snappy since I got this flu. Because now the kids are yapping at his legs and he doesn’t have the capacity to deal with them as I do. We are very important to them even though they don’t or can’t acknowledge it. They probably need us a lot more than we need them. But it’s impossible to be optimal at all times and I could really do with some love but now I feel a burden and I can sense the tension, the kids are feral and I need to get better but I’m wiped out.

I also want to add that I don’t think it automatically means we should just accept anything and everything.
But I think we all have different limits on what is or isn’t acceptable/copable with/can compromise on. We also have very different backgrounds and history, support network around us etc….

So the lack of attunement/caring might be a deal breaker for some. But it might be ok for others.
So if it’s unacceptable or unbearable for you, then by any means leave. It was clearly the right decision for Ohdostopwafflinggeremy or for you @Morrisons26.
It isn’t as much of a deal breaker for me.
And maybe or maybe it isn’t fir @Marshmallowkiss
We all need to make the best decision FOR US rather than what ‘is supposed to’ happen.

@Marshmallowkiss 🫂🫂🫂
I hope you’re going to get better quickly.

It’s hard when you still feel responsible but you can’t do much.
Im sending healing vibes your way.

All I can do it throw snacks at them and random art supplies. I have a feeling it might be Covid as I’m wiped out and lost my taste, my mouth tastes like the bottom of a toilet.

Oh bugger, I’m sorry.

It does sound like covid yes.
I hope you’re going to,recover quickly. It’s a pain as a far as virus go.

I’m sure when I had Covid back during the epidemic I had a cough. All I have is this intense fatigue, really bad taste and fever around 38, but my body feels like death.

I didn’t have a cough when I caught it in June. But lots of digestive issues that lasted quite a while.

Ah yes I’ve had a bad stomach all week and my youngest. She’s just sneezing and a little warm but otherwise not affected. (Sadly no fatigue and sleeping for her).

@Morrisons26 One for the list - when I was pregnant, I had a uterine infection that led to a temperature of 40.3 degrees and septacemia.

The ex-H didn't want to take me to hospital. My son had, they said later, a 5% chance of survival. I am so lucky he's here - they said that had we waited two more hours, it would have been too late. Even in the middle of the fever, when the consultant turned up at 23:30 in her pyjamas and outdoor coat, I knew it was bad.

I will never forget that he didn't want to take me to hospital and I had to beg.... And he wondered why I didn't trust him or feel safe with him.

I'm still bitter about it, which is no good for me I know. One day perhaps I'll leave it behind.

He is your ex. You are safe now so you can leave it behind. Never doubt your decision.

Yes, I need to stop living in the past. My partner now couldn't be more different.