Married to someone with Asperger’s/ASD/ ND: support thread 18

[Bluebellforest1]

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, some have ND children. It is a support thread and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations and try to keep it specific to you and your partner.

these threads have been going about 10 years now and have been a lifeline of support for many of us.

Previous thread
www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5447569-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-17?latest=1

@Marshmallowkiss you have my sympathy and empathy. I really feel you on this. I realised I've spent over 20 years with someone who was never going to get me for exactly what you've written. And I was invalidated for so many years by him. He didn't need what I needed as you say and he was definitely a puddle. Strangely though he attracts oceans. It's like they know what they are missing but once again, cannot mirror another's thoughts, actions, emotions etc.

I feel massive grief currently for the loss of what those 20 years could have been. More ease, more support, more kindness, more shared life and projects and joy, more share responsibilities and problem solving together to support our children. I see other couples who have been able to muddle through and do this. Life isn't perfect I can see that, but they enjoy weekends away together, going out for afternoon tea, a day out up in town, the cinema or theatre or just chilling on the sofa watching telly together.

Simple shared activites which feel totally normal to them, which stopped around 6 months after I moved in with DH. And I wasted 20y waiting/hoping for that to return.

What a fool I was. So yes I feel grief for marrying a puddle. I so wish I'd chosen better and more appropriately for me. You just don't know what you don't know. It is still quite shocking to me that puddles walk the planet are happy being puddles. It would feel like I was dying to live like that. How can humans be so different and you only find out about on mumsnet, 20 years after making a fatal error? Why is this not more commonly known!

I don’t know why but I know all humans are different. It’s not their fault or our fault. My H is a good man and we do a lot together but I have quite a vivid inner world with lots of feelings and no-one to share them with. He thinks I’m ridiculous and I think he’s empty. I don’t fit with his parents as they are worse, they have no wonder and no feelings, no joy and no pain. I need to find more like me outside of us so that I don’t shrivel up and die. Lucky both my girls have strong emotions despite being ND. I wonder if there was a time my H did but they were squashed because I always thought ND people often felt deeply.

@Marshmallowkiss re: going deaf - you’ve literally described my experience….its sad and validating at once. I, too, have been repeatedly told that I’m going deaf, despite my suggestions that if he only spoke louder, I’d be able to hear him perfectly well. I had two hearing tests, including the more extensive one…..my DP sat next to me when the audiologist confirmed that my hearing is fine. He’s still speaking so quiet that I need to ask him to repeat what he’s saying. This, of course, is the ultimate proof that he was right all along.
For a moment I thought I was going mad….

It’s so bloody annoying. He’ll be outside on his own and in the quiet. I’ll be inside with 2 kids the tv on and the fan on and he’ll still huff at me because I can’t hear. I keep saying to him if you speak and I don’t reply or I’m not looking at you and actually acknowledging you then I can’t hear. He just carry’s on and answers the question for himself as I’ve had my chance to answer and blown it. I wonder is the pig headed or simply can’t put himself in my shoes as he can hear himself talk?

Oh, my god i'm beginning to wonder if this is a thing.

I've dipped in and out of this thread since posting, but my partner does exactly the same thing.

Knows, I have slight hearing loss in one of my ears as well.

He is the only person in my world where I am constantly saying what - pardon - sorry to. Because he mumbles mutters, or he presents the back of his head to me whilst he's talking. I don't know why he does it. We were sitting buy the river over the weekend, and it was quite loud with people having drinks outside and he decided to turn his head away from me and put his hand up to the side of his face which is muffling his voice.

He gets annoyed if I can't hear him.

Sick of telling him look at me when you're talking to me. He thinks i'm rude for saying what and he tuts at me and rolls his eyes, but he doesn't think it's rude for him to present the back of his head to me when he's talking to me a lot of the time.

A lot of times the time I pretend i've heard him or just ignore him or just start making stuff up.

It's absolutely infuriating, and I don't have this problem with anyone else.

Omg to the back of the head thing! The amount of times I’ve said to him you need to face the person you are talking to. Or even just call my name so we know who you are talking to. I guess it’s part of the communication issues they don’t realise they have. They just assume whatever they hear you hear, you know who they talking to because they know, what they think you think. It’s not them so it must be you. But then my H gets this feedback all over the place, his work emails are essays and his manager always says for god sake bullet point or at least paragraph the deluge of info!

It feels like the best parts about myself irritate my partner and probably visa versa. Someone would love a non emotional very practical partner and someone out there would love my quality. The wrong partner will make you dislike yourself. I am in the wrong environment and I can feel it. I’m surrounded by logic and I’m like a fairy who talks to the flowers. They must view me as unhinged but there must be others out there like me. I personalise everything I buy. Prefer second had as I like to paint etc….they look at me like I’m mad but I look at them like they boring.

I wonder if hearing is different for ND/NT as in affected by different language processing or something.

Biggest thing my daughter does in this line is start shouting, but if I raise my voice back she gets angry (and probably confused tbf though I don’t see that in the moment) as she has no idea why, as she was not shouting at all apparently!

She does also not hear stuff but I think that’s attention and she gets cross if someone doesn’t hear her - just the shouting is the one that strikes me most.

I think it’s very simple really. If someone says they can’t hear you then that’s a fact and not up for discussion. Just talk louder, acknowledge they can’t hear and adapt….simple really but adapting is not the strong point. All I get is this is how I talk and f**k if you can’t hear me that’s a you problem. What if you are deaf, then what. I’ve literally agreed to my H that I am yes a little deaf (despite being ok with everyone else) but still he talks the same volume. They are too rigid to change anything about themselves, we have to become un deaf.

We also need to become un-emotional, un-needy, un-attached! That’s why I feel we loose our wonderful selves.

Yes I have to edit myself.

Mine said it would be easier if I hated him.

He also thinks me doing normal caring stuff or wanting to be with him is needy and said he'd find it hotter if I told him to go away.

That’s not my experience with dh 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

I don’t need to be un-needy. I actually have quite high needs, some would say care needs.
I don’t need to be un-emotional or un-attached.

I had to adjust my communication to what works for him.
I’ve had put very clear boundaries up.
I’ve had to find ways to cope with his stimming (that were a massive trigger for my cptsd).

But I don’t feel I’ve had to stop myself from being myself.
If anything, it started to work much better when I stopped constantly adjusting and have been myself - with my boundaries and red lines.

After that, it’s a relationship. You make compromises. I have just like dh has when I became housebound, unable to cook or do anything really.
The most pain I’ve experienced was when I dreamt/expected him to be someone he isn’t.

Also if you need to become un-attached, that’s not a romantic relationship anymore.
So why staying?

I think there is a difference between accepting a person for who they are and then accepting whether you can live with this. I can accept many people, understand their traumas and past and self but this might not make them likeable to me. I’m not going to lie I am struggling with the lack of empathy. I understand that there are sometimes just simple differences in expression but I think there are also some ND folk who don’t have any. My partners family are the latter. My partner has some but is easily annoyed and makes comments about women being manipulative when this is not what is happening.

I am surrounded by people who see emotions as being inferior and those who experience them as being inferior beings. As a feeling and emotional person you should feel what this is like to live with. Have no facial expressions, holding in any pain, not vocalising it because they will see your inferior self. I see how they look at my children, it’s horrible. Im outnumbered!

You are not you are just in the wrong environment!!

I think so. I flit between is it me, am I not normal, I should put a lid on myself and be more like them. I do this but each time I end up sadder and sadder and it’s hard to reignite the spark that makes me want to get up each morning. I watch myself continuously and self monitor in their presence for looking like a twat. I bring nothing to their table that they value and it makes me feel useless.

Who is ‘theirs’ @Marshmallowkiss ?
Are you thinking about your mum and brother, your dh, all of them?

Yes my whole family and family of marriage and my H. I chose familiar and although he’s a good man he isn’t like me.

I feel personally my parents didn’t help me
to know who I really was outside of them so I spent my whole life looking for the wrong people and now I’m suffering for these choices.

Ive also realised that I’ve come across a lot of people actively trying to ignore their feelings. I am on a different path now and I am not wanted by those people.

When people change like you (and I) have, two things usually happen: things get better or theres a lot of push back.

The work I’ve done in myself didn’t go down very well with dh (esp when I started to put boundaries in place) but ultimately, it made our marriage better.

The same thing with my emotionally immature parehts has led to 1+ year if upset, strain and stress. To the point, I’m now reluctant to see them (Christmas was particularly awful).

i have talked before about people having shape or form. Some people can change and some people can’t.
If someone has form, like my parents, and can’t change, whatever the reason is (my parents are NT btw), then you know where you stand. It doesn’t make that decision easier but at least you have clarity as to what you’re dealing with.

Yes I do agree. People tend to be fully formed and if they’ve experienced trauma they often fully walled up also. It’s funny because you can see it, understand it but you can’t change it. I am learning that. Getting repelled time and time again just makes me sad but I won’t get through no matter how much I want to. It’s hurting me way more than it’s hurting them. Hard lessons.

From the way you wrote in your messages I thought you had already left your marriage as you understand so clearly how different you and how much it is starving you of what you are missing and need to feel human and validated. I'm sorry that I didn't realise you are still together. To have such understanding - as you really do - it must be very hard. You are no longer making any excuses - I did that for 20 years thinking I could just get through another day and I'd be OK, just keep on keeping on etc.... I didn't understand what was going on enough to fully grasp it but you do. So if it's not too personal to ask, why do you stay? I'm wondering if there was another level of awareness that I could have gained and still stayed in the marriage. That is a curious thought. I had no choice as my body just took things out of my hands and I was forced to confront it.

I left a much worse man. My H isn’t an abusive man like him but he is emotionally very immature.