Married to someone with Asperger’s/ASD/ ND: support thread 18

[Bluebellforest1]

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, some have ND children. It is a support thread and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations and try to keep it specific to you and your partner.

these threads have been going about 10 years now and have been a lifeline of support for many of us.

Previous thread
www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5447569-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-17?latest=1

Are partners who are ASD to another who is ASD welcome on this thread? I’m not sure as a lot seems neurotypical with neurodivergent partners?

a little light relief and snapshot of our marriage

Me and my partner and 2 kids all are! It’s diabolical chaos and hilarious. At least we laugh at ourselves!

@Piratemam you’ve made the right decision. My DH struggled when DS was little. He triggered a lot of DH’s childhood trauma, I believe, but DH also recognised when he was being unreasonable and sought help. I could also tell him to back off and he would. We have always been a team and I feel that having our DS was a good thing for him as it gave him a bigger focus. But he stepped up even though the AuDHD made it hard (and we only thought we were dealing with ASD at the time!)
So stick to your guns you’ve got this and splitting is the right decision for you and your children.

@0ddsocks ND partners are very welcome on here.
Youll find there are many of them too!

Name changed to share my story.

My situation that’s been unfolding over years: He wants a robot who never objects, never asks questions, will wait patiently to spend time with him, will flexibly fit around his decisions, and will ignore his frequent sulks/shutdowns/explosions. And he’s prepared to “train” me to be this robot by whatever means he can - shouting in my face, threatening me, driving erratically to scare me, stonewalling me for days, calling me names (narcissist). It’s power and control. I feel like a hollowed out shell.

I'm guessing all of the above are due to: impulsivity, RSD, lack of emotional intelligence and lack of empathy.

who knows what the cause is, it all has the same impact on you though.

Malta

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. You’re also describing some characteristics of abusers (apart from RSD). This is abuse from him towards you make no mistake. There is no justification for his abuses of you. If you have childreb it’s even more important to get away from him.

RSD is also not a recognised mental health disorder either.

@MaltaStinks , I’m really sorry. This sounds like an awful way to live.

In the best world, what would you hope to do?
Youre not mentioning leaving or even better ways to cope. So I’m wondering what would help you best.

But PDA is. And the difficulty ‘dealing with rejection’ is often a consequence of the black and white thinking and the inability to put yourself in someine else shoes from autism.

Talking about RSD is often just a short hand on these threads rather than having to put a length explanation.

Malta's best option would be to leave her abuser because she is merely existing and not living. Abuse is about power and control and he does this because he can.

PDA is also not recognised as a standalone mental health disorder in major clinical manuals like DSM-5. There are stark disagreements within the autism community (which includes autistic people, their families and allies, autism researchers, health care professionals, education professionals and more) about the validity and usefulness of the concept of PDA. One point on which there is broad agreement is that more and better research is required.

I read something about PDA and how to support a child and it absolutely horrified me. It said their brains are wired to need to feel above everyone and to play games with them where you loose and then basically squash you so they fill their bucket. So basically it’s a need to be superior. I have a friend with a child with PDA and it’s becoming apparent he believes he is more superior and he does not need to go to school as the teachers are stupid and beneath him. He makes awful comments about everyone, his friends etc and his mother. It’s very upsetting to be around him because he just screams you are so stupid. He can’t complete a task and he asks another to help and makes it known that you help him because you are stupid and he doesn’t see why he has to do the task. It’s a sad situation.

So I'm wondering if my situation is normal.

On the weekends I like to relax around the house with the kids, some days will be garden playing, board games, drawing etc and I'll try and get some housework done. Others will be park, soft play, day out of some sort. Then in the evenings once the kids are down at about 8pm I'll flash tidy communal spaces then sit and read or put on a drama that we're working our way through, or I'll knit or play piano or draw. Sometimes we chat about stuff, others we stick music on and do our own thing. I like playing board games but he doesn't, he likes xbox and I used to play until he shouted at me massively because I was useless apparently. I'm not the best but it was fun doing it for me anyway.

I'm quiet and introverted but enjoy coffee dates and playdates with my mum friends.

He complains because I am an anxious cyclist and he loves it and would like me to do it with him, he nags me to socialise with the neighbours despite the fact we don't have anything in common, and although they're nice I end up drinking more than I'd like when in their company just to feel comfortable. When I say I don't want to he says I'm selfish and I should do it for him.

I hate diy and am bad at it but have had my hand in multiple projects over the years to help, he complains that I'm not interested in it and don't encourage him or support him in doing it.

Realistically I do my best to give him free time to do it as he's great at it and enjoys it, I sort the kids to give him time to do it but he wants me to do it with him and make out like I'm enjoying it.

He nags me to do loads in the garden, I keep it tidyish but the kids are out lots with the nice weather, so I don't see the point in tidying it every night when they'll just bring it back out in the morning. He asked me today whilst I helped him weed 'do you not enjoy this' I said nope and he said 'do you enjoy anything' He makes me feel like my interests just because they're different to his are invalid.

He makes comments about how he doesn't like my short hair, despite me saying it feels more comfortable for me, he's commented on my slightly squint teeth previously and my clothing choices which he calls banter and for me to lighten up, although I've told him repeatedly to stop so it hasn't happened in a while.

In the evenings I'm happy with a quiet routine and we can't often get out because of the kids. I've told him he can go and bike or do his hobbies like photography or drone stuff but he never does it but complains he's bored, making me feel boring for reading or knitting. I feel like I'm not allowed to be who I am without him being negative about it. He complains that I'm not into going down slides at soft play or kayaking like him or basically that I'm wimp and have my own set of likes and dislikes, he's often said he's married the wrong woman.

I'm not going mad right? Someone who loves you doesn't make you feel like you're wrong in every way and that you need to do what they want or you're selfish. At the end of the day I feel like my self worth is so low because he's always made me feel this way.

I have never read that.
But rather PDA is the inability to cope with any demands, including ones that you put on yourself.

@Wanderingfree21 your dh sounds a pain sorry.

Is he diagnosed as autistic, ND?
I think being ND explains a lot of behaviours but it doesn’t give a free pass to be awful towards people.
And what your dh would like you to do just sounds impractical anyway - like how could you go cycling together with your dcs. Someone still needs to look after them…..

No he's not diagnosed, have just about gotten him to accept he's probably ND, is pretty much burying his head in the sand about the whole
thing.

He really is a pain, he's never happy unless we're all doing things exactly his way or doing what he wants.

One child can cycle now and the other is on a balance bike so we could technically pick a quiet track and do it but he won't concede that I just didn't want to. I'm happy for it to be his thing with the kids separately.

When I met dh we were doing the same sort of hobby and this is certainly Something that has made us closer then. It created some feelings of intimacy that we struggled to reproduce outside of those hobbies.

But insisting you’re all doing the same thing than him….
I mean what’s going to happen when your dcs are older and develop their own tastes?

It feels to me that the special interests, the narrow focus on specific activities could easily be an autistic feature.
But insisting you’re all doing have to only enjoy what he enjoys? And you have to be good enough too? I don’t think that’s an autistic trait as such.
And even if it was, it doesn’t mean you should accept it.

What struck me too is that all of that has damaged yourself esteem. And that he is very controlling in his approach.
Do you see yourself able to live like this for another 20 years?

Spot on. He's very controlling, and if I think about us being like this in even 5 years time it horrifies me. I also don't want the kids to grow up and think how he is, is normal and to bend to his control. I know I have to get out for all of our sakes, he just makes me feel so selfish when I object and it makes me second guess myself.

He’s not diagnosed wandering free because he is more tva likely to not be neuro diverse at all. He is your common or garden abuser . If he as you say married the wrong woman then why is he still with you?. He enjoys having you around to abuse you and to otherwise mistreat you as he sees fit. Controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour no matter how you dress it up.

I sincerely hope you find it in you to get away from him permanently because he will cause semitones harm to your do also.

I’d be reading Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft. Such men can also cause serious emotional harm to their dc also.

His siblings are all suspected ND but they're all very kind caring people so I think the elements of his personality that are problematic are just him. I've been so sad this year and so exhausted by it all I know I can't carry on being with him.

“If a PDAer is unaccommodated, equalising may look like swearing, yelling, hiding or breaking a caregivers’ favourite item, physically hitting or moving a parent’s body, dumping water onto a parent’s dinner plate, etc.”
“Being on the receiving end of equalizing behavior can be physically dangerous, and/or emotionally exhausting.
(In adults, equalizing can turn abusive. This is one of the many reasons why supporting PDA children and teens from a nervous system perspective is so important.”

”The more equal or high status a PDA child feels in relationship to the people around them, the safer they will feel.”

It’s a horrible way to be wired in my opinion because you always have to be on top, which in relationships is impossible and it destroys them.

I'll look at that, thank you. I do worry what negative influence he'll have on the kids as they grow up. He does love them but trying to control them is so destructive and he can't see that.

His siblings are not relevant here. You’re not married to them. Suspected nd is just that and you may well be wide of the mark here.

You have a choice re this man and your kids do not Do you want them growing up with such a father thinking his behaviour towards you and in turn them is normal. Take some power back here by seeking legal advice in terms of divorcing him.

I feel that having a partner who he deems and keeps as less then fills the need that he has to be more than, it keeps the nervous system in a less active state. So he is purposely putting you in this position and it’s one that you feel you are in.