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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Random midnight phone call

61 replies

zebrawebra · Yesterday 18:26

Been seeing someone for a few months, both agreed we are not talking to anyone else. I have trust issues anyway so what follows is something that has set me off.

Stayed over at his on Friday and the phone goes at midnight, random number. It tries about 2 or 3 times. A voicemail is left. I said someone is phoning you (we were about to go to sleep) he checked it and I said are you not going to answer? He said no I don't answer random numbers (to be fair neither do I, but it was midnight, part of me would be curious). I asked who is it? He said I don't know. Then went back to cuddling me. I could hear him listening to a voicemail and it was a woman's voice saying "hi" in a happy way then trailed off. I wriggled away and he asked what's wrong? I said random women aren't phoning me in the middle of the night, are you sure it's nothing? He said well random women don't phone me either, I just don't like to answer unknown numbers and I've been bothered by another one earlier today. I said so to be clear you're not giving your number out to other girls? He said no, you don't need to worry with me.

do you think it checks out? Like I said it's already hard to trust. Nothing else has made me really doubt his trustworthiness, I just feel like I'm on high alert. I'd appreciate some thoughts on this.

OP posts:
Poorluce · Yesterday 18:35

Like I said it's already hard to trust

why? Shady behaviour in the past?

Tealover1234 · Yesterday 18:42

This sounds suspicious to me. I understand the unknown number phoning ( could be a spam) but woman's voice on voicemail.. I would push for answers if you are serious about relationship with him.

TheThingOnTheIce · Yesterday 18:44

Yeah I call bullshit from him , sorry

zebrawebra · Yesterday 18:55

Yeah :(

so what do you think? Random hook up? He doesn't really go out at night and is teetotal.

Ugh. I feel stupid for even believing it now. It was hard to tell the accent of the woman.

OP posts:
zebrawebra · Yesterday 18:56

Poorluce · Yesterday 18:35

Like I said it's already hard to trust

why? Shady behaviour in the past?

Not him, my ex and a lot of gaslighting

OP posts:
mindutopia · Yesterday 18:58

I mean, I don’t answer random calls and I sure as hell wouldn’t answer one at midnight.

Also, do random shags call for a chat in the middle of the night? I don’t know anyone who rings to speak to anyone anymore unless there is a death in the family or they are in jail. If I’d gotten some guy’s number, I’d message him. I would never in a million years ring him. That’s super weird. It would be different if WhatsApps coming through from a saved number. But someone actually calling at that hour would actually make me think it’s a wrong number or similar, because I just don’t think women call up random guys without messaging first.

Okiedokie123 · Yesterday 18:59

I think he’s lying to you, sorry. 😢

zebrawebra · Yesterday 19:03

mindutopia · Yesterday 18:58

I mean, I don’t answer random calls and I sure as hell wouldn’t answer one at midnight.

Also, do random shags call for a chat in the middle of the night? I don’t know anyone who rings to speak to anyone anymore unless there is a death in the family or they are in jail. If I’d gotten some guy’s number, I’d message him. I would never in a million years ring him. That’s super weird. It would be different if WhatsApps coming through from a saved number. But someone actually calling at that hour would actually make me think it’s a wrong number or similar, because I just don’t think women call up random guys without messaging first.

My mind went to: random woman he's been talking to behind my back wanting to hook up at midnight.

or less awful: an ex from before we met/random shag who drunk dialled?

OP posts:
TheThingOnTheIce · Yesterday 19:04

@mindutopiathey might if they were drunk which is what I’m guessing
can’t say I ever get spam phone calls in the middle of the night

zebrawebra · Yesterday 19:05

He's messaged me again tonight and I don't know whether to raise it or not.

before any of this happened I've been hormonal and raised things that actually aren't even things (are you talking to other people etc). He's reassured me each time. So I'm a bit stuck.

OP posts:
zebrawebra · Yesterday 19:06

And also promised not to lie to me after me having a pretty horrible time

OP posts:
TheThingOnTheIce · Yesterday 19:08

zebrawebra · Yesterday 19:03

My mind went to: random woman he's been talking to behind my back wanting to hook up at midnight.

or less awful: an ex from before we met/random shag who drunk dialled?

It could be your 2nd guess
but then if that’s the case he’s still being dishonest after you asked about it

Poorluce · Yesterday 19:08

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zebrawebra · Yesterday 19:16

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Why do you say both things?

OP posts:
Poorluce · Yesterday 19:18

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NovemberMorn · Yesterday 19:20

Did the voicemail just say 'Hi'?

zebrawebra · Yesterday 19:22

NovemberMorn · Yesterday 19:20

Did the voicemail just say 'Hi'?

It was a young woman saying hi enthusiastically and then either he shut it off or it cut off.

OP posts:
zebrawebra · Yesterday 19:23

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Yeah I do have those issues. He has been patient in working through them with me.

his response wasn't awful to be honest. It's hard to describe tone here but it was gentle.
maybe I'm just being deluded.

OP posts:
NovemberMorn · Yesterday 19:25

zebrawebra · Yesterday 19:22

It was a young woman saying hi enthusiastically and then either he shut it off or it cut off.

Well, I don't have a suspicious mind, but in this case....

zebrawebra · Yesterday 19:26

Is it worth bringing it up one last time, calmly
asking for him to be completely upfront?

Obviously it's a suspicious situation. He'd be pretty twisted to have others on the side after how close we have gotten and what we have both gone through. But people surprise you.

OP posts:
MarshmallowsOnToast · Yesterday 19:30

I have similar trust issues… I would have had to ask to listen to the voicemail then & there. If he had nothing to hide, he’d oblige.
now you’ve missed the boat & will always wonder.

MegJoBethandAmytoo · Yesterday 19:31

zebrawebra · Yesterday 19:26

Is it worth bringing it up one last time, calmly
asking for him to be completely upfront?

Obviously it's a suspicious situation. He'd be pretty twisted to have others on the side after how close we have gotten and what we have both gone through. But people surprise you.

The lies that people will tell and the lengths that they will go to in order to justify their actions will never stop amazing me.

I would walk away. It simply isn't worth the stress. A relationship shouldn't be like this. Don't lower yourself - you'll end up compromising and settling for less than you deserve. You'll smile and put up with it but deep down you'll never trust him. Life really is too damn short to be accepting this kind of dodgy behaviour.

ScabbyHorse · Yesterday 19:32

It could be someone from a few months ago, before he met you who still likes him and to whom he hasn’t explained he’s now with you. Tbh not enough to be worried about but the important thing would be for him to tell you he’s now explained things to her

MustTryHarderAndHarder · Yesterday 19:37

Did he let you listen to the voicemail?

MustTryHarderAndHarder · Yesterday 19:38

zebrawebra · Yesterday 19:22

It was a young woman saying hi enthusiastically and then either he shut it off or it cut off.

Do he won't let you listen to it.

I wouldn't trust him.