Can I move past his former adult industry career?

[MissStake]

Name change to avoid being recognised.
I met a lovely guy 2 months ago. We've been on a handful of dates, but so far haven't slept together, we only kissed. There is this crazy connection so far, chemistry is on point. Handsome, emotionally intelligent so far. I had exes and dates that were absolute nightmares, and someone like him is just what the doctor ordered. It all seemed to be too good to be true, and sure enough, I know what they say about things that seem too good to be true. Things are starting to get serious, and he hit me with something heavy: He used to be in the adult industry. Not a one-off, a lot of experience, a lot of hardcore stuff. He spent 20 years taking all kinds of roles, but is now retired from it. He just wanted me to know before we got serious.

Credit where credit is due, at least he was honest about it. That's already more honesty than what I got for most of my exes. But I don't know if I can be ok with this. I don't think I can, but he is just such a great guy, I have to remind myself of the things he said, because my brain can't even imagine.

I guess it serves me right, for years I have been very vocal about shallow men who care about a woman's past being absolute dicks. And now here I am. It it really doing my head in. If I wasn't a hypocrite I should look past this, but I just don't think I can. I am not proud of myself, I thought I could be more open-minded than this.

Only you know that. I certainly wouldn’t be able to, but I’m not you.

I wouldn't be able to, not because of the high number of people he's slept with that wouldn't bother me, but I don't believe consent can be purchased and that's a really big difference in view point compared to someone who was in that world for so long.

Sorry to be thick: does this mean porn? Or as an escort? I feel like I could probably cope with either - it might make me go a bit slower and I might want some extra assurances (std tests?) - if I felt as though it could be something special.

porn movies.

You don’t have to be ok with it, you don’t have to be with him. If something is a deal breaker to you, listen to your gut instinct because otherwise it will come back to bite you.

I'd imagine that you can't do 20 years in porn without it seriously affecting you in one way or another. Whether it's mental health issues, altered expectations about sex, disturbing fetishes, attitude to women - I'd be concerned.

I couldn't. Porn is so extreme nowadays as well. And he'll be online. He'll be known. Unless he was masked during filming (yikes!). I truly wouldn't be able to stomach it.

This would be a no from me!

Id not be able to get this information out of my head - I mean I guess he has slept with hundreds if not thousands of women and girls even or worse even men you just never know!

For me, that's a no. You can't purchase sex, and someone who treats their sexuality as a commodity wouldn't be suitable as a lifelong partner.

So he’s had sex with thousands of women - a large majority of whom were at best coerced into it. Of course it’s a no OP. Jesus some women’s bar…

Absolutely not.

Lets say that most of the women/girls/boys he slept with were not coerced, damaged or trafficked in any way (which is highly unlikely).

Imagine going out for a nice meal or introducing him to family/colleagues and half of the restaurant staff and customers are more familiar with his genitals than you are.

You can't be serious. It doesn't matter how 'nice' he is. He belongs to the streets.

Are you quite sure he's telling the truth? And was he in front of the camera, or behind it?

Well if he lasts more than 6 seconds send him over to the op on another thread , shes having problems

@NoisyHiker 😂😂 great point actually

I don't see what the problem is?

How long has he been retired? I think that would make a difference. How extreme? I think everyone deserves to find happiness but think you need some more info

A lot of male sex workers in that industry go with men, as that’s where the higher pay is. I couldn’t look past that, I just couldn’t.

Having met a porn star in a club, I would imagine there is only a very small chance anyone would recognise him, and if they do, it's unlikely they would say it themselves. Men would be the most likely to say something, and I don't think most guys are looking at the chap's face.

Obviously, the morality of porn is the most important issue, and only you know how you feel about it, but if he's now in his late 30s or early forties, then he will be a different man than the one who maybe saw no issue with his lifestyle choice in his 20's. We all get old and settle down, want love and maybe regret some of our choices.

There is a chance he was the nice guy on set and looked out for other performers, women and men. He may genuinely be a nice guy, and from reading on here, they don't seem easy to find. I think the only fan's generation will have a lot of this to deal with in years to come.

Exactly. I wouldn’t be bothered by how many people he’s had sex with, but in an industry that promotes increasingly violent and degrading sexual behaviour, and whose treatment of its female ‘stars’ in particular is famously unethical? No.

Gay for pay is a thing. Anyway, if you are uncomfortable in any way with his past, end it with him.

That’s a no from me!! God I’d be sickened at the thought of some of the things he’s likely to have done 🤮

It would be a no for me. 20 years is a long time to actively choose to be involved in such a problematic industry- well I assume it was an active choice. The amount of previous partners wouldn’t bother me, but I suspect there would be too much of a difference around moral values than I would be comfortable with.

Someone having slept with hundreds quite possibly thousands of people would definitely bother me.

Well, you’ll know who watches porn by who recognises him when you go to your local pub…

I dunno, it’s not the sex, it’s the porn.

I would want to talk to him about how he feels about if, about women, about porn, and find out whether sex for him now is real or still performed / porn style.

I agree with this.