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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can I move past his former adult industry career?

75 replies

MissStake · 18/05/2026 19:11

Name change to avoid being recognised.
I met a lovely guy 2 months ago. We've been on a handful of dates, but so far haven't slept together, we only kissed. There is this crazy connection so far, chemistry is on point. Handsome, emotionally intelligent so far. I had exes and dates that were absolute nightmares, and someone like him is just what the doctor ordered. It all seemed to be too good to be true, and sure enough, I know what they say about things that seem too good to be true. Things are starting to get serious, and he hit me with something heavy: He used to be in the adult industry. Not a one-off, a lot of experience, a lot of hardcore stuff. He spent 20 years taking all kinds of roles, but is now retired from it. He just wanted me to know before we got serious.

Credit where credit is due, at least he was honest about it. That's already more honesty than what I got for most of my exes. But I don't know if I can be ok with this. I don't think I can, but he is just such a great guy, I have to remind myself of the things he said, because my brain can't even imagine.

I guess it serves me right, for years I have been very vocal about shallow men who care about a woman's past being absolute dicks. And now here I am. It it really doing my head in. If I wasn't a hypocrite I should look past this, but I just don't think I can. I am not proud of myself, I thought I could be more open-minded than this.

OP posts:
ThisJadeBear · 19/05/2026 06:18

No. The end.

CamillaMcCauley · 19/05/2026 06:24

Definitely don’t think I could get past the extreme casualness of his attitude to intimacy, the near-certainty that he had fucked coerced or exploited women, the risk of recognition and the self-respect and/or ego issues that I would expect to emerge given time.

OneDreamyGreenMentor · 19/05/2026 06:25

If you can’t get past it then be honest with him and just end things amicably.

I’m likely one of the very few that wouldn’t have an issue with it

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 19/05/2026 06:29

I honestly don’t know if I could look past it, but it doesn’t sound like you can OP. And that’s ok. Sad if he’s as good as you say he is, but if you can’t you can’t.

Humblepieman · 19/05/2026 06:31

I agree with posters saying he will have been affected by this and concern for the impact that will have on your life.

CurlewKate · 19/05/2026 06:32

So he has definitely had sex with trafficked/exploited women who had their consent bought by a rapacious and unethical business. That would be a no for me.

TheBlueKoala · 19/05/2026 06:37

Stds aside I couldn't be with a man who consider women's bodies as disposables which you have to do in that industry. For a man it's not the same thing- he will be considered a king while the women will be considered as whores (many coerced, trafficked, mh problems and drugaddicts).

Aabbcc1235 · 19/05/2026 06:39

If you’re unsure, I don’t think that you should have to decide at this stage.

Could you return his honesty with your own, and tell him what you said in your op?

Keep seeing him, don’t move things forward, talk to him about your concerns, see how you feel in a few weeks.

Im someone who looks at actions far more than words, and his actions show a lot of respect for you in raising this before you got serious and before you slept together. That feels like a good sign that he’s aware this could be a deal breaker and is respectful of your right to choose.

Humblepieman · 19/05/2026 06:41

TheBlueKoala · 19/05/2026 06:37

Stds aside I couldn't be with a man who consider women's bodies as disposables which you have to do in that industry. For a man it's not the same thing- he will be considered a king while the women will be considered as whores (many coerced, trafficked, mh problems and drugaddicts).

I’m not so sure about that. The porn industry chews up males too and they often end up making money out of doing gay porn as it is notoriously poorly paid for straight men. It is just vile and damaging all around.

Watercooler · 19/05/2026 06:45

STDs, coercion of the people involved in porn - definitely not a good prospect.

But also the assumption might be he must be good at sex but he's had 20 years of women faking orgasms so he'll be crap in bed too. Probably spend half the time trying to re-angle you for an imaginary camera.

nevernotmaybe · 19/05/2026 18:48

TheCurious0range · 18/05/2026 19:15

I wouldn't be able to, not because of the high number of people he's slept with that wouldn't bother me, but I don't believe consent can be purchased and that's a really big difference in view point compared to someone who was in that world for so long.

So you're saying he has been raped a lot then? Or is it only women who need this ridiculous fantasy version of consent?

plsbekinddelicate · 19/05/2026 19:01

Only you can decide that OP. I don’t subscribe to all men in porn are abusers and all women in porn are abused. Does it happen? Yes of course it does. There was a time when police officers were upstanding members of the community and we now see through the rose glasses that some of them are wrong uns. Same with doctors, nurses, solicitors - you get good and bad in every walk of life.
If he’s been a good match in all other ways could you have a conversation with him about your feelings? Explain the things you’re worried about (not things other people online say you should worry about!) and take it from there? He’s been open with you about it, if you can do the same it may help.
As to other people recognising him well, if they do, you know they watch porn and they know he stars in it so two to tango

TheCurious0range · 19/05/2026 19:07

nevernotmaybe · 19/05/2026 18:48

So you're saying he has been raped a lot then? Or is it only women who need this ridiculous fantasy version of consent?

Edited

I don't believe consent can be bought or sold by either sex. He clearly thinks it's fine therefore we would be entirely incompatible. It's not complex

Ladywithabagonherhead · 19/05/2026 19:23

Middle-aged woman here who used to work in the porn industry for 15 years.
I just felt like commenting because some of you sound like you know things for a fact but it is so far from my experience. I was mostly working in Europe: Germany, Czechia, Hungary, France and Poland and of course the UK, but we travelled to work a lot to the US, and lovely exotic places too.

You could say I've seen a lot of crews, met a lot of actors and actresses from different cultures. First, never in your life will you meet a bigger diva than a porn actress, and I wont pretend I was humble and easy either. Especially past the 2010s. Out of all the people, I hardly met anyone who was forced or coerced into it. We all wanted the easy money, the luxury it could buy, to be able to buy a house, pay off mortgages, cars, go on lush holidays. As a young woman it seemed to beat being behind a tesco till. I know it makes sense in people's heads that it is just one of those industries where everyone is being used and abused, taken advantage of, but it's just about money, nobody forced me to. And my god, the other actors and actresses surely did not take advantage of me either. Big girls and big boys make adult decisions. And if your most intimate bits have a price tag, it's up to you. It definitely affects you and it changes how you view intimacy, that much is true, but things are simpler than you think.

Those girls who you could say were coerced into it by some scam artist or a partner were just too dumb to say no and leave it, I am sorry, it is not like in the movies that they would've been beaten senseless or held their loved ones hostage. They were the simple ones who stayed in because they were told they wouldn't be loved by the scammer guy otherwise or some other nonsense. You know the type. The one who believes in giving you a 10th chance if you show up with a rose. I am sorry, but that to me is stupid and their choice to be blind. Abuse on set never happened, other than the odd pushing of boundaries, but it was never forced after you said no. I said no anal when I was still a newbie, and some guy still tried to put it in, or a director would come up with something random on the spot. Jumped up curssing, we cut, apologies, and that is it. Wouldn't take him to court over it. Something like that happened only a few times, and I have done a lot of these, hence my changed username. What you are imagining is someone living in a third-world country being sold off, etc, places where human life is not valued like it is elsewhere in the world. Because that is all very low-key and underground, do you know what amount of porn come from such backgrounds? I do. And it's staggeringly low. The ones you imagine when you are saying coerced are abused with or without porn. Sad as it is.

I would also add, we girls always, always made way more than the men, not even a comparison, they got a fraction of what we got. As far as I know that did not change. So much for being used. The ones who had some serious problems with abuse or addiction already had them before they got involved with porn, that is important I think. Let's be real, most of us wanted to do it as an alternative to working all your life. The smart ones invested it. I want to believe I was somewhat smart. Most just partied it away.

The lesson that all of us in the industry learn too late in life though? Exactly what the OP is about: Not a lot of people want to be with someone who is plastered all over the internet in hardcore situations, every orifice stretched by men, women, toys, etc. It's not even the amount of partners. I have a "one that got away" kind of big love in my past, he couldn't see this as just my job. But I chose money. I learned to regret it, live with it. Many others couldn't accept it either. Now I have a partner, but it is not a fairy tale, we could say it is "settling". That is the price. The lavish holidays were amazing, and it certainly is great to be mortgage-free, but that was the real price of it.

As for you, OP, Just follow your heart, be with someone you could truly love, I am not here to convince anyone otherwise just because I also come from that industry. Wish you all the best.

Anxietyxxx · 19/05/2026 19:51

thefloorislavayes · 18/05/2026 22:19

I don't see what the problem is?

Same i mean what you have done in your past as nothing to do with anyone.
We say it about men on here all the time, what she did in her past has nothing to do with her new man.

MissStake · 20/05/2026 08:58

Anxietyxxx · 19/05/2026 19:51

Same i mean what you have done in your past as nothing to do with anyone.
We say it about men on here all the time, what she did in her past has nothing to do with her new man.

Ok that is objectively not true. The past is what shaped us to what we are today. People who say it doesn't matter what the partner was up to in the past cannot be serious. Whatever they did in the past really does not matter at all? Based on that, criminals should be walking free if they stopped whatever they were doing for example

OP posts:
PTown · 20/05/2026 16:19

Anxietyxxx · 19/05/2026 19:51

Same i mean what you have done in your past as nothing to do with anyone.
We say it about men on here all the time, what she did in her past has nothing to do with her new man.

Partners don’t deserve to make informed consent about entering a sexual relationship with someone who has a history of engaging in sex for money?

SquirrelMadness · 20/05/2026 17:50

I wouldn't personally be ok with it, and it's ok if you're not ok with it. It wouldn't make you overly judgemental or a prude. This is a bigger decision than deciding whether to be friends with someone, you're choosing a potential life partner, if it doesn't feel right to you then listen to your gut.

Even without the issue of whether he was working with people who were coerced etc (which is a big issue on its own), I wouldn't be able to get past twenty years of sex as a job. Not because I'd judge him for it, more because it must change someone's attitude towards intimacy.

But I think you have to work out what feels right for you.

BountifulPantry · 20/05/2026 17:56

what was your gut reaction when he told you?

darksideofthetoon · 20/05/2026 18:25

MissStake · 18/05/2026 19:11

Name change to avoid being recognised.
I met a lovely guy 2 months ago. We've been on a handful of dates, but so far haven't slept together, we only kissed. There is this crazy connection so far, chemistry is on point. Handsome, emotionally intelligent so far. I had exes and dates that were absolute nightmares, and someone like him is just what the doctor ordered. It all seemed to be too good to be true, and sure enough, I know what they say about things that seem too good to be true. Things are starting to get serious, and he hit me with something heavy: He used to be in the adult industry. Not a one-off, a lot of experience, a lot of hardcore stuff. He spent 20 years taking all kinds of roles, but is now retired from it. He just wanted me to know before we got serious.

Credit where credit is due, at least he was honest about it. That's already more honesty than what I got for most of my exes. But I don't know if I can be ok with this. I don't think I can, but he is just such a great guy, I have to remind myself of the things he said, because my brain can't even imagine.

I guess it serves me right, for years I have been very vocal about shallow men who care about a woman's past being absolute dicks. And now here I am. It it really doing my head in. If I wasn't a hypocrite I should look past this, but I just don't think I can. I am not proud of myself, I thought I could be more open-minded than this.

It’s possible all could be good. However, I recall that documentary on Netflix about Italian pornstar Rocco Siffredi. In that he tried several times to give up his past as he wanted to be faithful to his wife. But he claimed he felt possessed and ended up doing a lot of things that I couldn’t mention here.

In the end, his wife agreed that he needed to act on his urges and so he went back to doing what he knew best - hardcore porn. His wife fully supported him.

Not saying this guy will do the same but old habits can be hard to kick.

Nomad2009 · 20/05/2026 19:19

My partner has a female friend who does adult photo shoots and videos for porn magazines. He is not a porn actor but has been on set to help a few times and met a number of porn actresses and actors. What he told me about the industry tallies very much with @Ladywithabagonherhead post.
Women and men do it for the money, sometimes on and off over time. Exploitation may happen but uncommon.
It's not everyone's cup of tea to date an ex porn actor and if you are morally against it or the thought of friends finding him on porn sites puts you off then you shouldn't.
If you can see past that, he has opened up the conversation, so he'll be willing to answer questions about his past and you can judge for yourself if you want to date him.

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 20/05/2026 19:27

Anxietyxxx · 19/05/2026 19:51

Same i mean what you have done in your past as nothing to do with anyone.
We say it about men on here all the time, what she did in her past has nothing to do with her new man.

There’s a big difference between having a relationship history, and having a past life which may not align ethically with OP.

Like, I wouldn’t date someone who’d been the chick dispatcher in a poultry factory, or a surgeon specialising in extreme cosmetic/plastic surgery.

Of course our past lives/behaviour matter.

Youthinkyourefunny · 20/05/2026 19:28

Im in my 60s so probably out of step with current opinions but this wouldn’t bother me. People do all kinds of stuff to earn a living. If he seems like a decent guy then judge him on now - not his past

Naunet · 20/05/2026 20:05

Youthinkyourefunny · 20/05/2026 19:28

Im in my 60s so probably out of step with current opinions but this wouldn’t bother me. People do all kinds of stuff to earn a living. If he seems like a decent guy then judge him on now - not his past

When did you last take a look at hardcore porn and how abusive towards women it can be? A man forcing his dick right down a womans throat, is mainstream these days.

LlynTegid · 20/05/2026 20:13

It's a no from me. At least he has told you before you found out some other way.