Can I move past his former adult industry career?

[MissStake]

Name change to avoid being recognised.
I met a lovely guy 2 months ago. We've been on a handful of dates, but so far haven't slept together, we only kissed. There is this crazy connection so far, chemistry is on point. Handsome, emotionally intelligent so far. I had exes and dates that were absolute nightmares, and someone like him is just what the doctor ordered. It all seemed to be too good to be true, and sure enough, I know what they say about things that seem too good to be true. Things are starting to get serious, and he hit me with something heavy: He used to be in the adult industry. Not a one-off, a lot of experience, a lot of hardcore stuff. He spent 20 years taking all kinds of roles, but is now retired from it. He just wanted me to know before we got serious.

Credit where credit is due, at least he was honest about it. That's already more honesty than what I got for most of my exes. But I don't know if I can be ok with this. I don't think I can, but he is just such a great guy, I have to remind myself of the things he said, because my brain can't even imagine.

I guess it serves me right, for years I have been very vocal about shallow men who care about a woman's past being absolute dicks. And now here I am. It it really doing my head in. If I wasn't a hypocrite I should look past this, but I just don't think I can. I am not proud of myself, I thought I could be more open-minded than this.

Yeah agree porn is often pretty extreme or violent now. Not just people having sex on film. I don't know if I would want a partner who had did things like that to women as his job for years. Has to effect you.

No she doesn’t have a great point .
She sounds awful .
” He belongs on the streets “ , what a shitty thing to say.
Also her stupid statement about introducing him to family in a restaurant 🙄.

This 👏

I couldn’t continue with this man. Even though I would try not to think about it, my imagination would bring his past career into my present day and I wouldn’t like that one bit.

Well, you seem to know a lot about it…

Was that an attempt to shame me, over the men who actually participate in it?

What a silly thing to say. And it adds nothing to the discussion.

I know a lot about a lot of random things, doesn’t mean I participate in them.

Not at all. I'd like to apologise for saying that. It was a moment of nosiness about the fact that you had that knowledge, given that quite rightly you were calling out the things that go on in the porn industry. In the moment I made a comment that shouldn't have been made, that came off as judgemental, and I hold my hand up to that. I wasn't having the best day yesterday and should probably have refrained from posting on MN generally. My apologies.

We have no idea when he was in the porn industry. all we know is that he was in it for 20 years.. and hard core. If this was the last 20 years with him packing it in last Tuesday then your assumptions may be correct. However this poster could be in her 60s and this man could easily be 60/65 and entered the porn industry in the 1980s and left it over 20 years ago when ANY PIV porn would be described as hard core.

I would judge him by his actions and behaviour are now - not his past

Logically you are saying that he is also a rape/sexual assault victim as well as being a perpetrator.

I’m very vanilla and quite shy when it comes to sex, however I don’t think his past would bother me. My only concern would be that he’d be VERY experienced and would probably want to put it up my bum (or me to put something up his bum).

Coerced? Yeah, I don't think you know what you are talking about. I do know people who have done it and there was no coercion and the set experience is much like going to any job, I hear. As for the sleeping with a lot of people, I know for sure with one of them that the sex on screen and the sex they actually liked could not have been more different. It's not like someone with a wandering eye and a massive body count: it's someone who had a job many of us find hard to imagine.

So much double standard talk here, based around not even a basic look at the facts.
"Of the 177 women surveyed, only one said she was coerced into a pornography career."
https://www.nbcnews.com/id/wbna50953773
Unlike most of the posters here I've known several strippers and a couple of porn actors and while they were certainly motivated by money more than fun, they were all very level headed and choose when to get in, and not long after out, of the work. On the other hand I've known way more teachers who felt absolutely trapped and abused by their work. People have such high horses where sex is involved.

Thank you for sharing that. This thread needed it.

But they don't. The main platform for porn globally now is OnlyFans which commands roughly double the revenue of all other paid porn channels. You don't get much of the throat stuff there, overall OnlyFans has been a trend making porn less hardcore, not more. The rough sex era of porn may well be coming to an end to be replaced by more authentic sex in the same way the quirky and situational sex films of the 80s/90s were replaced by hardcore. Trends come and go and the direction of travel is not always to wards more extremity even though that's what people who don't really use porn seem to believe.

I'd say it's a plus. He knows first hand the sex you see in porn is not real. And the amount of preparation that goes into women doing the things you see in porn.

You're not going to have him asking you to try the back door in the middle of sex after you've been out for a curry.

There's so much pearl clutching on this thread.

It’s hardly pearl-clutching to decry someone’s longtime participation in a notoriously exploitative industry that is both dangerous for the women active within it, and for whom dealing with RL sexual expectations of violence and extreme practices normalised by porn endangers women whose partners consume porn.

I don’t care how many sexual partners someone has had. This isn’t the same at all.

On the plus side, he'll be hung like a horse and have great staying power. Silver lining and all that...

I couldn’t but some women can. Some men can. I have a friend who used to escort - it turns her partner on.

A couple of times I could maybe get over it. Hardcore, extreme porn, regulary absolutely not.

Have you questioned what exactly it is about his former job that bothers you so much.

Is it the job itself? For instance, I loathe the tory party, so probably wouldn't ever consider going out with someone who had once been a Tory MP, even if they voted differently now. If you're fundamentally against the porn actor, then you'd naturally feel the same about going out with someone who was involved in that industry.

Is it the number of people he's had sex with? I'd never ask a partner how many people they'd been with previously, but if I happened to find out that a partner had slept with thousands of people, it would likely give me the ick about sleeping with them, even if I thought they were a decent person.

Is it that he might be recognised? I'm a massive introvert, so would hate to go out with someone like a newsreader or an actor or some other minor celebrity, just for the "I know you from somewhere" looks they'll get. And thats without the added "I know you from porn" factor

Is it that friends and family might find out, and they might judge you in turn?

Is it that you think he probably doesn't see sex the same way you do?

Or it could be any one of a hundred other things.

It might not change your overall decision on how to proceed, but actually interrogating the granular reasons, rather than the overall "He did porn", might help you to come to terms with that decision a bit more easily.

Thanks for all your input everyone. I have been flip-flopping between calling it off and continuing. We met up today for a chat and dinner. He just left about 10 mins ago. I invited him over, but was very clear that I only wanted to talk. I know it must sound stupid. But I was thinking the discussion needed privacy a bar, pub or restaurant just cannot grant.

It was very nice to offload all my thoughts around this that were grinding me down since the revelation. I was very nervous before he arrived, but saying things out loud somehow made it all fine and composed. I felt a relief. I didn't ask but it was clear to me that it was not his first chat about this. I asked if he would mind telling me exactly what sort of movies and scenes he did. He didn't mind. Let's just say, what I thought was hardcore was not that hardcore in comparison. Not trying to shame, I am just very vanilla it seems. He made it easy and said that he understands if it's too much to accept and he will not try to convince me to give it a try, because he needs to be sure that his girlfriend accepts it all as it is, without forcing herself to. And you know what - I respect that, makes sense. So, we agreed to stop dating, wished each other well, big hugs, and off he went. He was just so genuine and nice, it breaks my heart a little, but then I think of the scenes, and I shake my head, he is right, those are too much for me to accept. It will be better this way.

Well done on doing what was true to you OP - I couldn’t have continued with him either.

I'd reserve judgment until after we'd slept together tbh. I'd want him to show me clear sti paperwork first too. But that's not a big deal as they have to get them all the time in that industry.

If it puts you off it puts you off though.
Can't say it would bother me tbh. He'd probably have some funny stories to tell. Maybe know a few fun moves in the bedroom too.

Edit as you've updated. Glad it went well op. Best not to force things that dont feel right to you.