Can’t agree on split of household chores

[Tiedbutchorestodo]

Really struggling to work out what’s “fair” and it’s causing a lot of resentment on both sides.

My DH works full time standard office hours (never home later than 6pm) - he does not want to change this.

I work equivalent to four day week but I contribute the same money so he is not financially enabling my reduced hours - I have flexibility in my job so he doesn’t have to worry about school pick ups / holiday child care so I sometimes don’t have a day off in the week or it gets taken up with things like dentist / sports day etc. I admit I do sometimes see friends / parents in week. We both agree it didn’t work when I worked full time and we don’t particularly need more money.

In my opinion I do nearly everything else - I cook every night, clean (could do better on cleaning but what gets done i do), wash, iron, shop, do all life admin and finances, do all homework / kids stuff, sort holidays etc etc

He does the dishes, puts the bin out, mows the lawn once a fortnight and reads DD a bedtime story plus does occasional DIY stuff (like 4 times a year will do something big like paint a shed).

I think chores should be split a least a bit closer to 50/50 since we contribute the same money and I don’t see why me having some time off means he doesn’t have to do anything domestic, he’d have to do everything if he was single and would still work. He thinks he does his fair share and moans about what I don’t do “properly”. How do we resolve and AIBU?

I’d be done with picking up after mr I won’t pay for a cleaner or clean, and I think I’d be done with him full stop. I couldn’t cook every day for a man like that, I’d tell him from now on you cook Mondays and Tuesdays and if you won’t do that you can move out and feed yourself every day, but your days of having a house slave are over.

If you are paying 50/50 then everything else should be split 50/50. It doesn’t matter that you make less. Additionally if you deal with the childcare he should definitely do more.

Next time he complains about something, let him know it’s his chore now and you will take out the bins since that a once a week less than 15mins chore.

What you need to do is write the list of chores and work out frequently and time taken and then split. You also need to add in the childcare as well.

Divorce the lazy shit bag.

Do what a friend of mine did - get a cleaner in on the day you’re off and don’t tell him. If he finds out and complains he can take over everything the cleaner does. He sounds like a right disagreeable f*er.

I don’t think money should come into it at all. If both people worked full time but one earned less, they shouldn’t have to do more housework because of that.

Tbh, I could keep a house clean in less than one day a week, so I’d do that with the additional day of free time I had. And then I’d split dinners, kids’ homework equally, and the same for any bigger or one off stuff that I couldn’t get done. Holidays I wouldn’t really consider housework but we both take equal responsibility for finding/booking/getting ready for those.

He sounds like a twat with his general attitude that if it isn’t his mess he shouldn’t have to do it though. But I agree that children should be involved in housework as well. No reason why a teen can’t cook one simple meal a week, for example. It’s an important skill to teach.

And you will STILL get ppl on here insisting that a man who wants 50/50 right from paying for the first date deffo believes in equality 🙄

Moaning about what/how you do it is not on! Who made him the boss?

I'd tell him that I was cutting down my share of what I was paying and I was employing a cleaner with the money.

He would not get a say in the matter. He either steps up and does 50% as required or you pay someone else to do it.

Or you can split up and he can end up doing all the jobs when he lives alone.

So you both contribute equally financially and your flexibility means you do all school runs?
Then everything else should be 5050.

I would at the least stop doing his laundry, stop buying things specifically for him in the food shop, stop serving him food if not eating with the kids. Literally stop everything you do for him. Reminding him of dentist etc appointments and booking those appointments. All life admin.

If it's not solely for him, he isn't interested in doing it. So if it isn't for you or the kids, don't do it.

But he expects you to clear up the messes he contributes to? Such as dusting, hoovering, wiping down surfaces where everybody has contribted to the need to clean.

As part of a family he should be mucking in to do what is needed, not deciding what is "hi" mess and what isn't.

He sounds like a lazy slob to me. Or, the term we use around here, a husband.

OP, this is quite shocking. Does he really mean he won't clean mess that isn't his in the family home? I'm not sure this is how marriage works, is it? Where's the team work? What about taking care of your children? I see from your posts that he is making financial contributions to the household, but is that it? Is this a perspective he has revealed recently or has he always been like this? If he honestly thinks this is okay my optimism for you making progress on this issue is ebbing away. Doesn't he want to support you? It sounds like he is making all the rules here. Surely there are two of you who need to agree how things should work or the relationship won't be working for at least one of you.

If he won't clean then he can't object to getting a cleaner.

You do far, far more than your "fair" share.

I would tell him frankly that he is destroying your marriage with his shitty attitude.

I would not plan a long life with this man. Can you imagine being retired with such a lazy, entitled arse?

I’m probably a bit unreasonable, he does more driving about than I do.

But the key is to have equal leisure time: add up all the non-leisure activities (work, household chores, childcare etc.) and split them evenly (in your case, you'll do slightly more household chores and childcare as you work fewer hours). Whatever time is left you get half of it each.

By refusing to clean any mess that's not "his" he's telling you that he thinks he shouldn't be doing any more than when he was a single man with no children. What a wally he is.

If you expect 50/50 with some flexibility (which I believe is fair): One cleans upstairs, other down, one cooks, other cleans up kitchen, one does childrens' bedtime, other does laundry and so on. No one relaxes whilst the other is doing housework/chores, including garden. Admin is done by both of you according to abilities.

When children are little they do little stuff as well. When they go to Secondary school they join in doing their rooms, their own ironing, clearing up kitchen etc.

I don’t understand why it’s so important to split chores myself surely so long as what needs doing is done for whoever has time in that moment makes more sense? I couldn’t think of anything more tedious to argue over than housework.

If he won't do anything towards the home he is a lazy goodfornothing arse. Get a cleaner, gardener, window cleaner, car washer, whatever you can. Put it all on his expenditure/fun money. Even if you only do this once it will be a wake up call, not just for him but you as well.

Financial contribution doesn’t matter. You should both be ending up with equal leisure time. The time spent on things like school runs and doctors appts counts towards labor just as much as paid word, cooking, or cleaning.

It’s a bit muddied by the oldest not being his. You perhaps should have a slightly bigger family and household responsibility, but it’s hard to parse out an exact amount, so aim for 50/50 with a heavier hand towards you.

The only thing I have to add is that does he really count reading to your DD as a chore? That's sad.

You made the point I was trying to, butvshd did it far more clearly.

By his logic, OP should only be tidying up the messes she makes. God knows who should be tidying up after the DCs.

i hope the OP takes on board his logic and stops doing any of his laundry.

I think you are doing far too much and more like 90% of the daily chores.

You don't ask about getting a cleaner, you insist.

What an absolute arsehole you married.

This this this.

Even if he was making 10x your income he shouldn't be leaving you to do everything while also working nearly full time while he sits with his feet up complaining.

DH and i have a lovely set up. He makes about 40k full time and I make about 20k part time freelancing. This means I do the lions share of housework and all the pick up/drop off for school, holiday care, cooking etc. I also get up earlier with the kids so he can lie in.

It works out pretty equal in terms of time actually worked Vs time off. I get more fully alone time as I work very flexibly but he doesn't need to do much but mess with the kids, bed times etc once he's home from work.

Your update is really concerning though. It sounds like he doesn't actually care about you and doesn't actually want an equal home. Most men would claim things are equal or that they are doing more then they are to defend themselves, your DH must know it's unequal but doesn't give a shit. Or he's a massive sexist pig (or both).

I don't know what to suggest other get loud and start making his life harder.

If he's the logical sort then perhaps some hard numbers would help. Add up how much time you spend doing tasks every week compared to him and ask him if he thinks this is fair.

If it was me, I’d put him in charge of marshalling the dc to clean their rooms and bathrooms. I’d far rather get on with chores myself than drag the dc through them, but then I feel guilty about not preparing them for life.

Its not about splitting chores as such its about him doing f..all to run the home

Perhaps that is why his first marriage failed! He was a lazy g....