Can’t agree on split of household chores

[Tiedbutchorestodo]

Really struggling to work out what’s “fair” and it’s causing a lot of resentment on both sides.

My DH works full time standard office hours (never home later than 6pm) - he does not want to change this.

I work equivalent to four day week but I contribute the same money so he is not financially enabling my reduced hours - I have flexibility in my job so he doesn’t have to worry about school pick ups / holiday child care so I sometimes don’t have a day off in the week or it gets taken up with things like dentist / sports day etc. I admit I do sometimes see friends / parents in week. We both agree it didn’t work when I worked full time and we don’t particularly need more money.

In my opinion I do nearly everything else - I cook every night, clean (could do better on cleaning but what gets done i do), wash, iron, shop, do all life admin and finances, do all homework / kids stuff, sort holidays etc etc

He does the dishes, puts the bin out, mows the lawn once a fortnight and reads DD a bedtime story plus does occasional DIY stuff (like 4 times a year will do something big like paint a shed).

I think chores should be split a least a bit closer to 50/50 since we contribute the same money and I don’t see why me having some time off means he doesn’t have to do anything domestic, he’d have to do everything if he was single and would still work. He thinks he does his fair share and moans about what I don’t do “properly”. How do we resolve and AIBU?

You can’t agree because your husband is a lazy disrespectful arse of a man. He is never going to change. This ‘not my mess’ shit just shows how little he values toy.

She caught on and kicked the lazy, lacklustre bastard out.

He sounds like a complete twat. I can ALMOST accept that he doesn't feel he shoudl clean YOUR bathroom or do YOUR laundry or whatever (I don't actually - i think that's ridiculous but I see how people feel that way) but does he really think the chidlren are not his responsibility? I mean, cleaning the teenagers room, sure, perhaps that's the teenager's responsibility, but then, he is still the parent with equal responsibility for ensuring the teenager cleans their room.

I couldn't be with someone like this. Honestly, the selfishness towards me would be a deal breaker, but the selfishness towards the kids would be even worse. I bet he didn't do his share of childcare when they were little either?

In the meantime, get a cleaner. He says all this cleaning is not his responsibility? well, then, you get to do it however you want to do it and he can get fucked.

He's had kids to breed another generation of servants to look after them.

He'd like them to do more around the house.
He doesn't want to do more around the house himself. Funny that.

That and the not wanting anyone in 'his' house sounds just like my exH. I divorced him!!

I'm not sure how you negotiate with this level of ignorance and entitlement, I couldn't.

Get them involved now. It'll ensure they don't turn into entitled twats like their father, and they can shame him. Preferably by making embarrassing statements to wider family and friends about their lazy father.

He doesn't get to have a say in having a cleaner if he doesn't do any cleaning.

But why is it only your job to educate and manage your kids in household chores, he is their parent too if he wants them to take on roles around the house he is equally responsible for encouraging it and teaching them the skills.

Stop doing anything that only benefits him op. His laundry , his favourite meals , buying his favourite foods at the supermarket , making his appointments , washing up his water bottle , catering to his family etc. This is how he treats you and the children and he deserves to see how it feels.

Does he think its all your mess then? Why can't he teach the DC to clean up after themselves.

You said he was married before - is he your kids’ dad? Just trying to work out why he thinks anything to do with them is none of his business.

BRAVO

He is an immature idiot. Sorry.

Eldest isn’t his (but he’s been “dad” since very very young), youngest is his. Eldest’s dad contributes plenty financially but isn’t around practically.

I’m probably a bit unreasonable, he does more driving about than I do. I’m just really frustrated by the load being on me and still not being enough.

You know the load is on you.
Why do you tolerate this?

@Tiedbutchorestodo you're not unreasonable , but the fact that you think you are speak volumes. This entitled man has really screwed you over.

Options. .
Carry on as you are
Have the you are now doing to me what you say your ex did to you so lets divid it fairer or are we over
Be stubbon leave his stuff... washing, ironing cooking to him.
Tell him if he wont step up you are booking a cleaner and sending out the ironing or he steps up his choice.
Divirece

As a parent i think you should be preparing your kids for life with chores and simple meals for the teenager...maybe a family cooking night until they know how.

Nothing is going to change because he seems pretty set on keeping the status quo which is that housework is entirely your job. He doesn’t care about fair, or you being overworked. I’m not sure what you do with that really.

Your married. The split should be based on available time, not who is contributing the most financially. I couldn't sit back enjoying free time and have my DH run off his feet just because I earn more per hour than him. It's supposed to be a partnership.

I think it’s fair enough that the partner who is home a bit more does a bit more, but it shouldn’t all sit with you. The bit I would find particularly egregious is complaining about things not being done to a high enough standard.
I do regret not making DS do more chores when grown up so I would try to give the DCs age appropriate tasks that aren’t too onerous e.g. emptying dishwasher and setting table and keeping rooms tidy.

You have way bigger problems here than who does the hoovering.
You need to seriously think about leaving him

what a selfish lazy man no wonder his other wife dumped him

dont do his washing

He won't have a cleaner because as far as he is concerned he's married to one.

Ummm are they his kids? I’d say if the only way to get you to tidy or vacuum your kids rooms is by kicking you out then start checking the rental market buddy. You have two weeks to decide you’re a dad while living here or to discover how to be a dad in your own place where you’re the only adult.

I work 4 days a week, my partner works full time. He's never once used that as a reason to pick up less housework/childcare than me. He cooks dinner most nights, does more early mornings with the kids, does bath time, I do all laundry and the bulk of the life admin / mental load. Drop offs/pick ups and child sick days are covered fairly evenly.

It doesn't always feel exactly 50-50, but I can't ever imagine him using the fact he works full time to excuse doing anything around the house.