Can’t agree on split of household chores

[Tiedbutchorestodo]

Really struggling to work out what’s “fair” and it’s causing a lot of resentment on both sides.

My DH works full time standard office hours (never home later than 6pm) - he does not want to change this.

I work equivalent to four day week but I contribute the same money so he is not financially enabling my reduced hours - I have flexibility in my job so he doesn’t have to worry about school pick ups / holiday child care so I sometimes don’t have a day off in the week or it gets taken up with things like dentist / sports day etc. I admit I do sometimes see friends / parents in week. We both agree it didn’t work when I worked full time and we don’t particularly need more money.

In my opinion I do nearly everything else - I cook every night, clean (could do better on cleaning but what gets done i do), wash, iron, shop, do all life admin and finances, do all homework / kids stuff, sort holidays etc etc

He does the dishes, puts the bin out, mows the lawn once a fortnight and reads DD a bedtime story plus does occasional DIY stuff (like 4 times a year will do something big like paint a shed).

I think chores should be split a least a bit closer to 50/50 since we contribute the same money and I don’t see why me having some time off means he doesn’t have to do anything domestic, he’d have to do everything if he was single and would still work. He thinks he does his fair share and moans about what I don’t do “properly”. How do we resolve and AIBU?

I don’t think 50-50 is fair, but I also don’t think you should do everything. You should agree on what you can get done on your weekday off and everything after that should be 50-50.

If you are contributing financially 50/50 then everything else should be 50/50 too.

What are your working hours and what time do you get home from work?

can he get a promotion and then drop a day a week or fortnight? then you’d be more even.

if i was off more than him i’d expect to do more household or child related chores. however what you do will just vanish and be unappreciated if it’s not spelled out. perhaps keep a journal / whiteboard for a week of what you do and on another page what he does. compare.

youll prob find you do more than a full day at works worth of home/child related chores type ”work” across the week. nursery pick up and drop off alone has to be a half hour at least etc. depending on how close it is.

maybe he will be surprised and fully appreciate all you do. maybe he will just gaslight and continue to do practically nothing even when faced with this evidence.

I don't think financial contrubution is relevant at all. You could be working exactly the same hours and one earning much more than the other. Does that mean the poorer partner does everything?

IMO it's odd in a relationship that this is an issue at all. You should both want the other to be happy and cared for, if there's a dispute it should be because you worry that the other does too much.

However, I do think that often we end up in a situation where (usually) the man has no idea how much his DW is actually doing. The solution to this IME is to have tasks that you are each completely responsible for, not "helping". You can ask for and offer help, but the responsibility is with the task owner. DH had laundry as one of his. Start to finish. Decide when a load needs doing, get it dry, iron as necessary, put away. Sometimes DC would help, but again it was his job to supervise and organise that. As well as meaning he couldn't "forget", it took the mental load relating to that task off me.

Hire a cleaner put it in joint bills. You have work and kids stuff and everything else he’s doing some stuff to help and it’s not being managed without resentment your busy enough this is a minor issue that could be solved without arguing.

Get a cleaner

He won’t have a cleaner - is funny about people in the house

Well neither of you are going to be happy. Did you live together before marrying?

If he won’t have a cleaner he should take on the bathrooms and mopping floors. Problem solved

We did live together first, he moved in and I kind of automatically was already doing most stuff and didn’t mind. We then had other issues later on post marriage which meant I’m not as willing to do that and want things fairer.

Answering other questions - we get home a similar time 3 days a week, one day I’m home slightly earlier and use that to start dinner / do homework. The other day varies week to week.

He doesn’t want to be promoted to drop days at work

Start splitting the chores into blocks.

You cook 4 meals, he cooks 3. You meal plan for your own dishes and you each add the ingredients to the main shop list. Whoever cooks also does the dishes and tidies the kitchen properly at night. This will stop any resentment over messiness (Ex used to manage to get food on the ceiling on a regular basis, no idea how).

He cleans the bathroom and kids bedrooms/beds at the weekend. You clean yours/bedding and the main rooms at the weekend. On your "day off" just run the hoover over and a quick tidy. Laundry is harder to split - maybe one is in charge of washing and drying, the other folding and putting away? I put day off in quotes because it isn't really if you are doing all the childcentric things such as school runs, dentist etc and he's doing nothing. You are just squishing the extras into your work day.

I'd resolve it by saying 'if I don't do xyz properly, then we can switch over and I'll mow the lawns and do ad hoc DIY, whilst you do all the cooking and cleaning'.

I do the lions share of chores around the house as it works for us in the season of life we're in. My DH has the sense not to criticise my housekeeping abilities (or lack of) as he knows he'll be doing it all himself if he does!

He won’t clean bathrooms he doesn’t use - so my en-suite, kids or downstairs loo (he uses a different one which he rarely cleans but I leave him to that). He won’t cook - if I don’t he goes and gets a takeaway. He won’t do kids rooms. He basically says if it’s not his mess he shouldn’t have to deal with it.

Admittedly I don’t cut the grass or do bins

Well fuck that.

Divorce. You'll be a damn sight happier not having this stubborn, lazy man playing stupid games with you.

I don’t think the financial contribution matters at all. It’s much more relevant how many “work hours” each of you do, both employment, travel, and home/family tasks. These hours should equal the same so that you both have the same amount of free time.

Not his mess, not his problem? I'd stop doing anything for him, if he thinks this is how life works. If you have kids within a relationship, then both parents should be helping with the cleaning that goes along with it and teaching the kids how to tidy up after themselves etc.

I don't think you'll get anywhere near an acceptable agreement with this selfish man.

Why is everything his way? Get a cleaner if you want one.

I don’t make the kids help much - we disagree on that - he’d like them to do more around the house and he’s probably right (eldest is a teen, youngest in primary) but I’m a bit soft on that.

Ah OK. So the DC aren't his "mess"?

What exacrly is the point of him? Just leave him to it. He'll find out when he lives on his own - did he by any chance leave his parents' home to move in with you?

I agree the money isn’t that important a point - it was just to flag that he’s not “enabling” me to work part time by him working full time.

He was married before - according to him he got fed up doing everything for her but I’m not so sure that’s totally true. I do know he cooked every night - that irritates me too!

But "managing" the teens to do chores is a job too. If he thinks they should do it, he needs to make that happen.

Mine didn't have regular chores for exactly that reason. Making sure they got done/issuing consequences was a bigger mental task than the chores themselves. They were expected, and did, help when asked, but they never had regular chores because that felt like another thing to manage.

He does do -
Bins (one a week/fortnight??)
Lawn (once a fortnight during the mowing months)
DIY four times a year. (btw - painting a shed isnt a big job. I paint ours in a day so unless yours is the size of the Albert Hall he's taking the piss)

He doesn't do -
Cooking (ever)
School pick ups / holiday child care/dentist
Cleaning
Cleaning kids rooms
Cleaning bathrooms 'he doesn't use'
Washing
Ironing
Shopping
Life admin
Finances
Homework/kids stuff
Sorting holidays

He says -
If it’s not his mess he shouldn’t have to deal with it. (If his kids are making the mess it's his mess isn't it?)
He won't have a cleaner because he has you to do it for nothingdoesn't like people in the house.

You both a agree -
It didn't work when you worked full time.
THAT IS BECAUSE HE IS FUCKING USELESS.

He's home at six every night and does sod all.
The man's a lodger in his own home.