Emotional Abuse or Am I a Neglectful Mum?

[AnonymousPossum]

I am a new mum with a. 8 month old baby. In the last few weeks my partner has accused me of being selfish, a bad mum, not caring about our son and being neglectful. I go from thinking this is emotional abuse to thinking maybe he is right on some things and I have dropped the ball. I sent a recording of how he was speaking to me in the throes of these accusations to my parents and a couple of good friends and they gave me their opinions but I wanted to throw it out to unbiased people. And to see if anyone else has gone through this. My transgressions in his eyes are :

1. that my hygiene is poor as I used a previously used cloth on our baby’s face that had porridge on it. He said it was on the table for 3 days and took pictures. If I used it it would have been a clean part of the cloth. I also didn’t do dishes immediately after using them but have got in the habit of doing this now.
2. I am a bad mum because sometimes I struggle to settle our baby, for example this week I had gone out with him and everything was fine until the drive back when he started crying, I fed him, changed him, ensured the car was cool enough but every time I put him in the car seat he started wailing again. I called my partner for help, his response was angry and that I should be a parent and be able to settle him. He drove out to me and our son was immediately calm in my partner’s car 😬
3. This week we had a paediatrician appointment we were referred to for eczema. We had a mental list of extra things to ask him, I forgot to write it down and so didn’t ask everything as my mind was focussed on eczema, potential allergies and reflux. Extra questions included safety of baby sleeping on front and general sleep issues. Only one parent allowed in the appointment so it was me. On the way back when he discovered I’d forgotten these things, again he accused me of not caring, not being responsible, being useless and a bad mum.

There are a few other things such as trying out sleep training (gave up because it hurt my heart and his) that have led him to say I am a bad mother. He shouts and swears aggressively these accusations in front of our baby. Am I minimising my own transgressions by thinking this is emotional abuse? I keep going back and forth but I am starting to gather legal advice. He had a temper before or baby came alone but was going to counselling. It feels like this is much worse now but under the guise of him protecting our child.

Can you contact women's aid. He's abusing you

So you live in Ireland and your family are in Britain?

Correct

They are SO close!! And no one in family or friends are heading over after you sent them a recording of his vile abuse??

I don’t know if this will pop up for anyone who replied to me, but I just wanted to say, huge thank you for all of you for the validation. Gaslighting is so insidious so it was really helpful to have objective views. I left in mid August with my baby. We’ve alot to work out but I know it was the right thing to do. Thank you so much dear mumsnet folk ❤️

Glad to see your update and that you did get away. Good luck going forward.

Well done OP and good luck for your future

So happy to read your update @AnonymousPossum You’ve done a really hard but wonderful thing for your child. Hope you’re settled and have a good plan for your next steps.

I’m so sorry that you are feeling like you are a neglectful mother. As I read this I can almost see the abusiv happening in real time as a scene in a film in my mind. Please know that you are not alone, many women will recognise this behaviour. You are a not a neglectful mother. Can you talk to your parents or family? Glad you are reaching out here as a start point.

Thank you, I posted an update yesterday, we left in Mid August. Things are messy and there’s still a lot to work out but I know it’s the right thing for my little boy. I know nothing would have changed if I’d have stayed. He said it himself.