Emotional Abuse or Am I a Neglectful Mum?

[AnonymousPossum]

I am a new mum with a. 8 month old baby. In the last few weeks my partner has accused me of being selfish, a bad mum, not caring about our son and being neglectful. I go from thinking this is emotional abuse to thinking maybe he is right on some things and I have dropped the ball. I sent a recording of how he was speaking to me in the throes of these accusations to my parents and a couple of good friends and they gave me their opinions but I wanted to throw it out to unbiased people. And to see if anyone else has gone through this. My transgressions in his eyes are :

1. that my hygiene is poor as I used a previously used cloth on our baby’s face that had porridge on it. He said it was on the table for 3 days and took pictures. If I used it it would have been a clean part of the cloth. I also didn’t do dishes immediately after using them but have got in the habit of doing this now.
2. I am a bad mum because sometimes I struggle to settle our baby, for example this week I had gone out with him and everything was fine until the drive back when he started crying, I fed him, changed him, ensured the car was cool enough but every time I put him in the car seat he started wailing again. I called my partner for help, his response was angry and that I should be a parent and be able to settle him. He drove out to me and our son was immediately calm in my partner’s car 😬
3. This week we had a paediatrician appointment we were referred to for eczema. We had a mental list of extra things to ask him, I forgot to write it down and so didn’t ask everything as my mind was focussed on eczema, potential allergies and reflux. Extra questions included safety of baby sleeping on front and general sleep issues. Only one parent allowed in the appointment so it was me. On the way back when he discovered I’d forgotten these things, again he accused me of not caring, not being responsible, being useless and a bad mum.

There are a few other things such as trying out sleep training (gave up because it hurt my heart and his) that have led him to say I am a bad mother. He shouts and swears aggressively these accusations in front of our baby. Am I minimising my own transgressions by thinking this is emotional abuse? I keep going back and forth but I am starting to gather legal advice. He had a temper before or baby came alone but was going to counselling. It feels like this is much worse now but under the guise of him protecting our child.

Though also the advice was that I have to be very careful about this as it could constitute kidnap and therefore if I am the one to leave the house, ot may be best to stay in the same country for now

I'd be putting cameras in your home. When my ds witnessed shouting and swearing the judge refused ex having any contact. Said he had suffered enough.. Change all your pin numbers and keep your savings extra safe. My exh tried to claim compensation on my bank account when I left him as he knew all my details..

You poor love
Do you really want a lifetime of doubting yourself and having zero confidence, by staying with him?

Bloody Hell, if my partner did half the abusive negging your partner is doing after I had carries and birthed my babies he would be GONE.
You are doing absolutely fine my love, he is an abusive and horrible partner. Honestly, this is so horrible to read, he is supposed to be on your side, a team, you and him and your baby.
You are doing fine, you are bloody doing fine, ignore him.

I have started recording on my phone when I think he’s going to go off 🙏

No thank you! And I don’t want that for our son either. He is a great dad usually (bar the shouting at me in front of him), he’s always getting him to giggle, good at settling him etc. but I think even if it’s not direct, if he witnesses his mum being berated any time she makes a ‘mistake’, either he’s going to be afraid to make a mistakeir he’s going to think it’s okay to treat people (women) like this.

In that 8 years have you made any close connections in this country @AnonymousPossum ?

So what have they advised or done practically?

if my best friend or, my god my daughter, sent me a recording of awful abuse like this - I’d be on that plane heading to them within 2 hours. Or I’d have bought them a ticket and meanwhile I’d be going on Amazon to buy a load of baby stuff.

NO way will this be a “great dad” usually.

A few. My direct neighbour has said I am welcome at hers,

But what about your very close friends and family? I’d be so disturbed in their shoes to have received that recording.

You neighbour knows what’s going on and have said you can stay there..,, would you?

It is good that you have been so open with others about what’s been going on.

Advised me to leave and helped me to try and look into legal stuff. All have offered their homes as places I can go. I’m nervous to leave the family home because of where that might leave us long term. Leaving the country may put me in choppy waters legally and may constitute kidnap. I an going to try to call women’s aid today for advice on all this. I cannot wait much longer. I’m supposed to be due back to work on Thursday.

But why don’t you go there under the guise of just a visit

they are not coming to you? Are your parents and friends not petrified?

they could stay in a local air BnB or even at your house and help you.

Are you both passport holders for the country you reside in?

Your family could send you money? Nothing will expedite the process and help you more with professional assistance than money

Horrible abusive man.

You’re doing great. Your baby is so lucky to have someone who loves him so much.

The trickiness with that is he would know exactly where we’ve gone, especially with our doorbell camera. I could stash my car somewhere random in the village I suppose. Very close friends and family are all in another country. Close friends I might have had here, friendships have gone a bit distant since having a baby. But I have told a couple.

What do you think he’d do if he discovered you were ending the relationship and had moved out . Do you have money?

Call Women's Aid this morning. That is your priority.
They'll help you get free from this abuse and keep you safe.

Good luck, stay strong, you're doing brilliantly. You are so strong. ❤️

No mother is going to leave her baby with an abusive man because it's unsafe and she is putting her baby at risk of not being cared for. It's not a good idea and unlikely to be a light bulb moment because he's incapable of changing.

I think he’d turn angry, vicious and malicious. Possibly destroy some of my things. Try to get full custody (he threatened this before in argument when we said we’d separate, I said we could co parent positively, he said not. He apologised for this later but it’s stuck in my head and I believe this).

Yes I have money, not lots but a bit.

He is not at all a good dad if he treats the mother if his child abusively. Women in poor relationships write that comment often when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

The threat of full custody aimed at you in arguments is yet more hot air from him. He’s merely saying that to hurt you, he has no real interest in his child. He also hates his mother, men like he hate women ALL of them.

Is his mum local?. He'll get 50 50 by the courts and then they often offload the child to their mum or find a new gf to do the care. He's not interested in the child but just as a way to abuse you.

Do either or both of you have passports for the country you reside in?

fgs I can’t believe your family and close friends know you are with a highly abusive man and they’re not coming to you or getting you over to them

An abuser cannot be a great dad. It is impossible. This is part of your cognitive dissonance which is a hallmark of abuse survivors.

I was in your position. I informed the police. He was arrested and part of his bail couldn’t come near the house. I subsequently applied for non molestation order. Why should you and your child have to leave your home?

Discuss these with a solicitor. Many of them give free consultations. You have more evidence than I ever did. Good luck and well done for realising his behaviour isn’t normal.