Emotional Abuse or Am I a Neglectful Mum?

[AnonymousPossum]

I am a new mum with a. 8 month old baby. In the last few weeks my partner has accused me of being selfish, a bad mum, not caring about our son and being neglectful. I go from thinking this is emotional abuse to thinking maybe he is right on some things and I have dropped the ball. I sent a recording of how he was speaking to me in the throes of these accusations to my parents and a couple of good friends and they gave me their opinions but I wanted to throw it out to unbiased people. And to see if anyone else has gone through this. My transgressions in his eyes are :

1. that my hygiene is poor as I used a previously used cloth on our baby’s face that had porridge on it. He said it was on the table for 3 days and took pictures. If I used it it would have been a clean part of the cloth. I also didn’t do dishes immediately after using them but have got in the habit of doing this now.
2. I am a bad mum because sometimes I struggle to settle our baby, for example this week I had gone out with him and everything was fine until the drive back when he started crying, I fed him, changed him, ensured the car was cool enough but every time I put him in the car seat he started wailing again. I called my partner for help, his response was angry and that I should be a parent and be able to settle him. He drove out to me and our son was immediately calm in my partner’s car 😬
3. This week we had a paediatrician appointment we were referred to for eczema. We had a mental list of extra things to ask him, I forgot to write it down and so didn’t ask everything as my mind was focussed on eczema, potential allergies and reflux. Extra questions included safety of baby sleeping on front and general sleep issues. Only one parent allowed in the appointment so it was me. On the way back when he discovered I’d forgotten these things, again he accused me of not caring, not being responsible, being useless and a bad mum.

There are a few other things such as trying out sleep training (gave up because it hurt my heart and his) that have led him to say I am a bad mother. He shouts and swears aggressively these accusations in front of our baby. Am I minimising my own transgressions by thinking this is emotional abuse? I keep going back and forth but I am starting to gather legal advice. He had a temper before or baby came alone but was going to counselling. It feels like this is much worse now but under the guise of him protecting our child.

No, I have passport from my original country, my son has passport for this country

But what about your partner?

He has a passport from the country we live in

Can you not get a passport for your son for your country?

I probably could in the long term. Before this all escalated, I had applied for citizenship here so we didn’t see the point in him getting a passport from my original country

Well that is something you can start getting the wheels on motion. Today.

you need to think smart and practically

I wouldn't leave a baby with someone who is obviously abusive .

His mum is an hour away. Not a great relationship there. When we were working out childcare for when I go back to work, his family suggested his mum but he is/was dead against it due to her health - she has sciatica I think

Your top top top priority needs to be getting your son a passport for your home country.

Personally I’d just look to move about an hour/hour and a half drive away in your current country.

That way it will be inconvenient for him to visit. But not illegal for you to move that far.

Then you just refuse to let him have the child in your house when he does visit.
So he would have to drive two or three hours each day he wanted to see the kid. Chances are he’ll be too lazy to bother. Especially if you double down with “you need to see your child, you need to make the effort”. If he thinks you WANT him in his child’s life, he will be more inclined not to bother. Just pretend you moved to that particular place because you had a great job opportunity or something and not to be far from him.

You have to remember he means you harm. More so if you leave. So think three steps ahead about the things he might do. And bear in mind that he will do the opposite of what you want (or, appear to want).

“I know we’re breaking up but I don’t want that to stop you seeing our boy, he needs his father so you’ll need to make the effort for him to be in his life”.
Just watch as he becomes flakey af. Pretend to want to facilitate it. Make a point of saying things like “I need to work so I need you to have him in xyz days” and watch him refuse/cancel at the last minute. You have to play the smart game with his lot.

Realistically, the less contact he has with your boy, the better.
But at least if when he sees his kid, you aren’t there, it means the kid doesn’t have to witness you being abused.

Thank you for this. I am trying to plan how to say these things to him, whether I need to leave and how to word telling him the situation if we’re not face to face.

I think he would spot cameras but currently on high alert for flash points and recording on my phone. Also started changing pin numbers, he doesn’t really know them but I may as well

Did this, thank you 🙏

Getting there with one. Firming up legal advice, hope to get a solicitor tomorrow

I feel for you, I feel you have a long journey ahead. But leave, everything you’ve done is normal, okay with the rag, but if he’d gone to effort of taking a picture of the rag and he knew it had been there 3 days why didn’t he move it? Sounds like he’s painting you as a bad mum so he can take the baby when you split, I’d start recording the verbal outbursts immediately, document all abusive text messages and whatever else you need to prove he’s abusive if he ever takes you to court for custody. This is scary girl!

This is now part if the plan yes

Started recording this week 🙏

Try and get evidence of his abusive behaviour if you can without putting yourself in danger, you’ll need it.

Well done!

That's a massive step. Keep strong and keep looking forwards. You can do this.

Stay strong and safe xxx

And urgently progressing getting your son a passport for your country??

I got stuck with that because it would have to be sent to a home address and I don’t know where I’ll be. If I leave the home, I don’t want my ‘partner’ getting his hand on it.

It takes weeks to come through
and you apply on line

Could you get a PO Box? If they do them where you are.
It might be there’s an option for a different “post to” location than the place of residency. I can’t remember as it’s been a while since I’ve done one.

I’d definitely see about moving out before telling him anything tbh. Send him a text when you are out. These sorts of men are dangerous if they find out you are leaving.

Please check the rules from your home ccountry on dual citizenship.
Some countries, including the UK, will only let citizens in with their passport for that country. So if you're from the UK your son would need a British passport to travel.

I know you're not intending to travel right now but you might need to plan ahead.

Son has Irish passport, I have British passport. I think due to CTA this is okay.