Emotional Abuse or Am I a Neglectful Mum?

[AnonymousPossum]

I am a new mum with a. 8 month old baby. In the last few weeks my partner has accused me of being selfish, a bad mum, not caring about our son and being neglectful. I go from thinking this is emotional abuse to thinking maybe he is right on some things and I have dropped the ball. I sent a recording of how he was speaking to me in the throes of these accusations to my parents and a couple of good friends and they gave me their opinions but I wanted to throw it out to unbiased people. And to see if anyone else has gone through this. My transgressions in his eyes are :

1. that my hygiene is poor as I used a previously used cloth on our baby’s face that had porridge on it. He said it was on the table for 3 days and took pictures. If I used it it would have been a clean part of the cloth. I also didn’t do dishes immediately after using them but have got in the habit of doing this now.
2. I am a bad mum because sometimes I struggle to settle our baby, for example this week I had gone out with him and everything was fine until the drive back when he started crying, I fed him, changed him, ensured the car was cool enough but every time I put him in the car seat he started wailing again. I called my partner for help, his response was angry and that I should be a parent and be able to settle him. He drove out to me and our son was immediately calm in my partner’s car 😬
3. This week we had a paediatrician appointment we were referred to for eczema. We had a mental list of extra things to ask him, I forgot to write it down and so didn’t ask everything as my mind was focussed on eczema, potential allergies and reflux. Extra questions included safety of baby sleeping on front and general sleep issues. Only one parent allowed in the appointment so it was me. On the way back when he discovered I’d forgotten these things, again he accused me of not caring, not being responsible, being useless and a bad mum.

There are a few other things such as trying out sleep training (gave up because it hurt my heart and his) that have led him to say I am a bad mother. He shouts and swears aggressively these accusations in front of our baby. Am I minimising my own transgressions by thinking this is emotional abuse? I keep going back and forth but I am starting to gather legal advice. He had a temper before or baby came alone but was going to counselling. It feels like this is much worse now but under the guise of him protecting our child.

Thanks for this. Sometimes he is completely face down though or looks it from the monitor, so I have to go check if his nose is exposed!

He's a shit.
I see your family are in another country. Do you live in his home country?

@AnonymousPossum Purely addressing this part of your post

"Extra questions included safety of baby sleeping on front"

Anne Diamond lost her 4 month old son to SIDS, in 1991 she launched the UK's "Back to Sleep" campaign, this advice has not changed

Don't put baby on their front

Please be aware, anyone with newborns

So they responded to your recordings with horror?

do you have an friends in the country you live in ?

if you were my adult daughter, I’d have bought you and baby a flight back home immediately or I’d have hopped on a plane to my dd

Not entirely, he moved to the country we live in 30 years ago, I moved here 8 years ago

he is appalling OP. you are a new mum, he should be unconditionally supporting you.

separately, is the eczema bad? it’s sometimes caused by exposure to antibiotics so if that’s happened to your baby try a baby probiotic. be really careful not to get any food on his skin, and only use hypoallergenic products on him. if allergens touch his skin there is the potential for allergies to develop. the current advice is early introduction of allergens. you don’t have to give them tonnes but small amounts regularly should help them to recognise that the food protein is “safe”. be careful the foods dont get on his skin - you can use a barrier cream like vasoline.

We never put him on his front, he rolls there and can roll back to front and front to back

Re finances, we have one joint account, shared mortgage, separate current accounts and I have a separate savings account. Property is shared equally as joint mortgage, but he may be able to cover whole mortgage.
Child’s surname, I don’t know how to say this, has double barrel - my surname and his mum’s maiden name since he didn’t want our son to have the same surname as his dad because they left him because of abuse. 🤦‍♀️

He should be loving you and supporting and encouraging you. This is one of the most vulnerable times in a woman's life. I'm scared for you that he is being like this. Sadly a lot of abuse starts when a woman is pregnant as the man knows she is unlikely to leave now and is trapped, and this is a potentially stressful time for everyone. None of this is OK. He is being a bad father. His job is to support you.

We had baby eczema. Only bath every three days and use gentle aqueous cream. It will go away.

He sounds really nasty.

Have you got a plan to leave?

These things do not work woth abusers. There is absolutley no reasoning with them and leaving a baby with someone like this is not a good idea.

I’m getting one together. I have an emergency plan and next Monday/Tuesday going to get legal advice re leaving the house. However if I need to leave sooner than that, I have passports and clothes in my car

So he's had his chance, proved he will never change, leave safely now while baby isn't affected

Re him, I echo what everyone else has said.
On a different note, you sound like a wonderful mother and a very sensible woman. You know what you need to do and are extremely capable on your own. Don’t let him get in your head.

That’s my plan, just trying to figure out how, with as little disruption to baby as possible.

Your a new mum and this poor excuse of a man is trying to chip away at your self confidence and self esteem he is emotionally abusing you, is an awful despicable bully. You are doing a great job at being an amazing mum and still will be without this awful person in your life.

You need legal advice urgently if you have any intention of taking your child to another country. If you do it without your husband's permission and the country you live in is part of the Hague convention you can end up in a very bad position. See if you can find any women's violence or domestic violence organisations locally. He does not have to be physically abusive to be classed as DV.

Your relationship does sound abusive, the way he is speaking to you is not OK and even if he has trauma from his own childhood this does not excuse it.

8 months old babies can usually roll back over and all the babies I've known at this age prefer sleeping on their front. Obviously you'd never put a newborn on their front but an 8 month who can roll each way is absolutely fine as long as they aren't completely face down

We are not married, so he has slightly less rights than if we were. However, I have legal advice that if I am going in an emergency I can go. Long term he may be able to veto me living in another country as he has guardianship rights but that would be another matter to leaving temporarily.

Can your parents or family come and visit you?

Go
just go

OK. I am glad you've had legal advice. Good luck.

All of it is fine. His critism of you is not fine. Youre doing your best and he should be grateful not critical.

He is definitely abusive and shouting and swearing in front of your baby is abusive to the child too. Get your plan together quickly and go. Be careful not to let him know what you're planning in the meantime. Can a family member come over to assist you and stay nearby?