AIBU to consider divorce over DH's frequent golf and drinking?

[MyTealFawn]

AIBU! DH avid golfer, I can’t stand it, such a selfish hobby, when he plans twice weekly out of the house for 8 hours. This year I laid down some ground rules as along with his prestigious club member, he’s also joined a society who meet monthly. He assured me the society wouldn’t affect family time as it was on a Friday, once a month and he would be home not much later than me returning from work.

Anyway, second game in, he left the house at 11am yesterday and headed home for 9pm. Not too late, and still a few hours to catch up on a Friday evening. But then he proceeded to go to the local pub for more drinking (without telling me) and returned home just after 11pm.

Im furious, and this behaviour is just becoming a weekly occurrence now, and it’s always someone else’s fault that he ends up staying later for a few more drinks.

As he left this morning for more golf, I’ve just told him this is enough now, I’m actually contemplating divorce.

For context, we’ve been together 12 years have a 10 year old DS with autism. I have no support, very few friends, and my life has pretty much become carer for my son whilst holding a senior position full time job.

Never any social or time for me, ever!

DH and I will never agree, he thinks I’m unreasonable, but I have had enough now.

Can I move on and go it alone? Or am I just experiencing what lots of women do?

YANBU

You can end a relationship at any time for any reason you like.

I mean, you probably are experiencing what lots of women do, but that doesn't mean that it's a good decision to accept it, nor that you have to make the same decision and accept it yourself.

Lots of women experience this and lots of women leave for this and similar reasons. It's okay to leave. It sounds like you'd be wasting your time speaking to him about it any further.

He’s acting like a self centered bachelor ”with benefits.”

Frankly if he doesn’t change I’d leave him.

Life’s too short to support a selfish ba*tard like him with home comforts.

Let him get on with his golf and mates.

He's checking out of family life. And he doesn't care that you mind him taking so.much leisure time for himself.

Get the divorce. Make sure you get a fair custody arrangement, so that you get down time in the future too.

Minor correction

How does his food get into the house and his clean clothes in the wardrobe?

If you are doing these things, go on strike. Only do things for you and DS.

Can you start going to activities when he's home to build up your social life? Reading group in the library, craft groups etc? Any Granny close by to babysit so you can join a walking group etc?

Ultimately of course you can split but that probably won't fix the 'you time' and lack of social life.

He’ll soon regret this when he’s faced with 50/50 custody…

As if such a man would at want 50/50. That would interfere with his golf time and social life. Op go it alone, you and your don will be far better off.

He’s already left OP
You’re just dealing with the geography at this point

I agree with pp.

He is using you as his housekeeper and nanny.

I think you have nothing to lose by divorcing him but a lot to gain.

Thank you all for your comment so far. Confirming what I probably already know.

If you are unhappy

Divorcing him would probably give you less time to yourself as you would need to look after your child more

It would might stretch you financially as well

There would be a time during the divorce where things could get really bad

But it could also give you your freedom back in the end to make your own decisions and you could plan things with your child that you want to do and not hoping someone else might help out - that can be priceless

Looking back now, life is easier now without them, I have them 24/7 and pay for everything as they refuse to work

But I would not go back to as it was

When you say twice a week do you mean he works Monday to Friday and then golfs all weekend? Or does he just play golf twice a week and is at home the rest of the time?

i used to be scared of knowing that it will potentially get worse, but now I feel like it could be a weight lifted. I do 100% of the care anyway.

He works the same hours as me Monday to Friday, then plays one afternoon/evening and one weekend day. Ontop of that he plays one a month elsewhere, so once a month he plays three times a week. Then he also commits to a once a month committee meeting for the golf club.

YANBU at all. I would absolutely be leaving.
For now, match his “free time” with your own. So he gets a day out, so do you. See how he finds that.

YANBU- I dumped a man I lived it because he worked away in rigs then when home he played golf and was out for hours. It’s a selfish sport as it lasts so long (then drinks). He won’t change OP - he doesn’t give a shit about you.

I can’t see how it could get worse if he has 50/50 custody. He’s taking the piss.

What would you & he be doing if he was at home ?

I don't think it does get worse. Yes you become a more primary carer for your ds but I Found it's easier to go it alone when you're not constantly watching someone take the p out of you. My ex left everything to me but even though I still do everything I'm not doing it watching him sit in his backside.

Yes if you're not happy and he doesn't care, go. He sounds very selfish and doesn't stick to what he says he'll do.

He sounds like a Grade A loser to me.

Does he have a pressured job?

Things around the house/garden, popping out for a walk or a pub lunch. Adult time on the evenings which we don’t get now, because by the time he is home, I’m already annoyed and he’ll then eat and fall asleep

He’s unbelievably selfish. He’s not bringing anything to you or family life. You’ll be so much happier on your own.

That’s exactly what I think, the hard work never changes, but you don’t feel like a mug sitting back and watching someone living their live with very little restrictions