AIBU to consider divorce over DH's frequent golf and drinking?

[MyTealFawn]

AIBU! DH avid golfer, I can’t stand it, such a selfish hobby, when he plans twice weekly out of the house for 8 hours. This year I laid down some ground rules as along with his prestigious club member, he’s also joined a society who meet monthly. He assured me the society wouldn’t affect family time as it was on a Friday, once a month and he would be home not much later than me returning from work.

Anyway, second game in, he left the house at 11am yesterday and headed home for 9pm. Not too late, and still a few hours to catch up on a Friday evening. But then he proceeded to go to the local pub for more drinking (without telling me) and returned home just after 11pm.

Im furious, and this behaviour is just becoming a weekly occurrence now, and it’s always someone else’s fault that he ends up staying later for a few more drinks.

As he left this morning for more golf, I’ve just told him this is enough now, I’m actually contemplating divorce.

For context, we’ve been together 12 years have a 10 year old DS with autism. I have no support, very few friends, and my life has pretty much become carer for my son whilst holding a senior position full time job.

Never any social or time for me, ever!

DH and I will never agree, he thinks I’m unreasonable, but I have had enough now.

Can I move on and go it alone? Or am I just experiencing what lots of women do?

Sorry just to add, the golf itself isn’t really the problem. It’s his attitude.

A friend’s DH is an avid golfer (how I know situation with ex as same club) but he gets up on a Sunday at 6am, tees off by 7 am, plays a round and is back home before midday. If they have family plans that conflict with this, it’s the golfing that takes the hit.

When my Dsister reached the end of her tether with a golfing DH, she put his golfing shoes on their coal fire. He cut down golfing considerably after that but they still ended splitting up.

To be fair hes probably quite good at golf by now😝😝😝

The only thing I disagree with in what you said is is that you have given him a warning. He can down circle wagons and get himself financially locked down. Go back to being nice to him and get all the information you need to start the divorce.

He'd want to be! Has he won any TVs or at least some crystal OP?

He's not your partner, he's your housemate. A really bad housemate who takes the mick. Sorry OP. Shame he's not respecting your wishes and that of your childs too.

I agree. My Dh was a keen golfer for many years. Two or three rounds a week in the summer. But it never affected our social life - we had BBQs, went to the cinema, met up with friends as well. And he always pulled his weight with the DCs, they never went neglected.

But then, he and I like and respect each other.

When the DCs were grown, I used to enjoy having the odd Saturday to myself.

They don’t necessarily step up post split to do childcare and sometimes go on to create a second family with someone else which does get time & attention.

Book a babysitter (find a SEN qualified one or Ta from school if necessary) and do your hobbies/build up your life then, Ditto re cleaner etc if it’s household duties getting on your nerves

But as if he'd want or go for 50/50. He doesn't have a shred of interest in parenting.

Spend time together
Spend time with his child
Take child out
Stay with child so she can have some free time
Housework
Gardening
Not acting like a single man

loads

Depends how much you love each other. Do you a deep bond? If so, tell him your feelings. How much his golfing, etc is upsetting you.

In other words put in a shit load of effort to enable his selfishness.

He could actually be doing some of these things to support the OP couldn’t he…though it takes a special sort of cockwomble to outsource their family and parenting responsibilities in order to spend time playing golf and post round drinking (when as per my pp he could play golf and engage in family life - he just can’t be arsed to get up
early and sees the post game all evening drinking as part of his “hobby”).

That would be a hard pass for me, I’d rather just divorce the motherfucker.

😂

Have you read the OP’s posts?

He is aware of her feelings and doesn’t give a crap.

Their “bond” is about as deep and as appealing as a paddling pool left out over the summer that’s evaporated into a thin mouldy, insect ridden green, stinky slime pit.

You don’t think, yay let’s add more water to it and go paddling. You drain it and bin it.

Divorce him he’s a selfish arsehole. My partner also played golf but has reduced a lot since a baby came along (although still goes on golf trips that really piss me off!) you’ll get plenty of social time when he has your son and he will realise what a dickhead he is for ignoring your requests!

@MyTealFawn

Sounds to me as if you already know what you want to do, you're just concerned about the 'practicalities'.

So, see a solicitor. Take a snapshot of family finances, income & outgo, assets, family home, etc. Find out what divorce may mean to you, financially and wrt child access & maintenance. My situation is very different than yours (US, retired, no minor DC) but seeing an attorney to discuss things before taking action was the best money I ever spent. I was able to make an informed decision and proceed in the way that best benefitted me.

No one should be unhappy in their marriage. Yes, getting to that happiness on your own can be scary and bumpy. But it is so worth it in the end!

I have read the OP's posts thank you very much. Seems to the stock reply on Mumsnet these days.

I just think ending it is the last resort and with an autistic son to think of it's becomes a very sad situation. If she's talked everything through then fair enough. Regarding the lack of social life, could you join a club or do something with others. If your other half doesn't agree, OP, then you can decide where to go from there.

Yes, I’d leave.

As a previous poster said go away for the w/e without telling him beforehand: Pack your bag on a Thursday pm and leave it in your car. Tell him on Friday when he is at work that you are away and won't be back until Sunday pm. At least that way he has the information to cancel his plans. Plus do not answer your phone or be contactable, also do not tell him where you are/or going. Nice spa weekend/city break, whatever floats your boat.

Golf takes 4 hours. He could play once a week and be home before lunch time!

Does he want to be a dad? Like an actual dad?

So you’ve got decades of being the default parent and adult in the house, followed by decades of retirement together where this get A LOT worse.

I work in the sport so trust me, I know.

I divorced last year and you know what; it’s ok. I’m so much happier now and I have the life I felt I was missing. I haven’t regretted it for a minute.

Good luck 🖤

I did because it became the tip of the selfishness iceberg. On his contact weekend (every other weekend) his mother did the childcare to facilitate his very important golf time. Weekends weren’t family time just me dashing around trying to get stuff done whilst he was there. I’d do it all again in a heartbeat

Yanbu x

The issue isn’t really the golf itself, it’s that he’s not prioritising you. And that he’s happy to have such a disparity with the free time you each have. I doubt he actually thinks you’re being unreasonable, because there’s no way he’d trade places with you, it’s more that he thinks life is unreasonable in that he has all these responsibilities he chose but now cba with.

For reference dh plays golf, he does 9 holes or the driving range unless it’s a specially planned less frequent thing. He mostly doesn’t stay for a drink after or if he does it’s maximum an hour and 99% of the time he times it around dcs bed time or naps as much as possible or will go early in the morning, be back just after lunch and then take over the children and house for the rest of the day. I suppose he’s not a ‘serious’ player, but that’s because he can’t be, once dc are older he would love that to change, but right now it’s not his priority.

as others have said if you don’t want to divorce you can just quiet quit. And tell him you’ll be out next weekend on the day he isn’t playing golf. I know you don’t want to play games but actually if you will divorce it would be helpful for you to have time to build some friends and contacts first so you could view it as that

Have recently left by STBEXH for very similar reasons but swap golf for football. We now live separately and will be divorced next month. My DS is a year younger than yours and he stays at his dads every week either one or two nights. I have a life and some time for myself and am more than able to provide for me and DS on my own, so I feel lucky to have been able to get rid of him and I don’t miss him one bit. Things are much easier and realistically i am bit doing anymore than I was before but I feel so much less anger and resentment now. It’s been freeing for me and DS has coped well so far. I would go as far as to say he has more quality tune with his dad now than when u was there being default parent. Obviously things can change if and when a new partner shows up but I couldn’t live my life with a man who believed his time was more important than mine.