AIBU to consider divorce over DH's frequent golf and drinking?

[MyTealFawn]

AIBU! DH avid golfer, I can’t stand it, such a selfish hobby, when he plans twice weekly out of the house for 8 hours. This year I laid down some ground rules as along with his prestigious club member, he’s also joined a society who meet monthly. He assured me the society wouldn’t affect family time as it was on a Friday, once a month and he would be home not much later than me returning from work.

Anyway, second game in, he left the house at 11am yesterday and headed home for 9pm. Not too late, and still a few hours to catch up on a Friday evening. But then he proceeded to go to the local pub for more drinking (without telling me) and returned home just after 11pm.

Im furious, and this behaviour is just becoming a weekly occurrence now, and it’s always someone else’s fault that he ends up staying later for a few more drinks.

As he left this morning for more golf, I’ve just told him this is enough now, I’m actually contemplating divorce.

For context, we’ve been together 12 years have a 10 year old DS with autism. I have no support, very few friends, and my life has pretty much become carer for my son whilst holding a senior position full time job.

Never any social or time for me, ever!

DH and I will never agree, he thinks I’m unreasonable, but I have had enough now.

Can I move on and go it alone? Or am I just experiencing what lots of women do?

Yes he does, we are both in full time, senior management roles.

I would consider 2 things : how will it affect your DS and the fact the you won't get any more time to yourself

Yanbu.

Without being unkind, you've enabled him to be like this. Every time he walks out that door, you pick up his slack.

So take the control back, and live life on your terms, not his. Men like this never change, I'm married to one too.

You already lead fairly separate lives.
When going alone you won’t feel outraged a lot of the time.
Absolutely go for it. Hopefully he will look after his DC sometimes. Probably not if it clashes with golf.
Legal advice & new life.

Don't victim blame. What was she supposed to do, leave the kids home alone?

The term "golf widow" was invented for people like you.

If you are doing 100% of the caring anyway, divorcing can only benefit you. You have one less human to service, you don't have to work around your H's timetable or expectations, and you may even get some time to yourself if he agrees to have your DC for overnights.

In addition, I found the people I knew initially rallied around a bit after the split, people who kept things superficial while I was married because (i assume) they thought I was getting companionship and a social life from my marriage.

How much will he see and interact with his son ?

I’ve done it for so long he thinks it’s normal now. But exactly that, it’s easier said than done to just match his behaviour or find plans on his absence when I haven’t had social circles for years now.

At least it sounds as if you can support yourself.
It must be daunting for you, but the reward will be peace of mind & not being a slave in your own home.

Weekly I would imagine, they have a nice bond that I’m sure he will want to maintain.

So he knows how you feel. Must on some level realise he’s taking the piss but doesn’t care.

So you can put up with the situation or change it - because he’s not going to is he?

Your choices are to play him at his own game and create a social life of your own (join a club/hobby group) and just crack on, leaving him to parent to the same extent you do (meaning you’ll be like ships passing in the night).

Or you leave knowing he’ll will freeze over before he accepts a 50/50 child care arrangement (I don’t know why people say this tbh because in divorce these men do not suddenly step up) and you will still be in the same situation but at least without having to watch him throwing his distain for you and your child in you face all the time.

There is also the possibility (though unlikely) that starting divorce proceedings might actually be be a wake up call and after years of simply thinking he can get away with it, he realises he’s that’s not an option.

Personally I’d probably have lost so much respect for the selfish fucker by this point I’d be done regardless of any epiphany he may have.

I left my golfing ex partner (no children) in my late twenties after 5 years of this shit when he proposed. I realised I’d be I lone parent if the relationship progressed further and it wasn’t a life I wanted.

Best decision I ever made. I’m happily married with a great family whilst he is now twice divorced and according to mutual friends still spending most of his life at the golf club ignoring his children from two ex-wives and is now a seen as a delusional bitter bastard who moans over his pint about maintainince payments and his ex’s turning his children against him. On the plus side, apparently his golf handicap is one of the best in the club 😂.

This response made me laugh so much. Thank you!

I don’t think I’ve got the energy to play him at his own game, as much as I would love to. I don’t trust that it won’t just become a battle.

My respect for him is little to nothing, which doesn’t form a basis for any future.

I’m so glad I didn’t fall in love with a golfer…. YNBU at all imo.

I think that’s your answer then.

You’ve basically got the “ick” (understandably) and there is rarely any coming back from that.

You are doing it all anyway from what you’ve posted so not having to consider him is likely to mean you are doing less.

I doubt he’s pulling his weight in other areas is he? Far too busy polishing his golf clubs. So no, you won’t have to cook/shop/ prep meals he likes or put his golf gear in the wash. You won’t have to think about his schedule and trying to squeeze in family time for all of you because it would never happen if you didn’t.

Fancy beans on toast for tea, great - have it - knowing if he was still around he’d turn his nose up.

Have the day to relax on the one day a week he deigns to parent without any stress of planning what you should “all” do.

Most of all live your life without any mental load being directed towards him and his wants and direct your energy towards yourself and your child.

Good luck - you’ve got this x

I think the big question is whether your joint parenting commitment will likely become easier as time passes? It makes a big difference once you can leave the house and pop out locally, so you are not trapped at home or taking DC with you everywhere. It would be a pity to divorce if things are likely to naturally improve in the next few years. But this will be different from child to child and your child’s needs might be higher…

My own DH plays at least once a week. I don’t mind the golf these days as my high-pressure DH really benefits from having a hobby! But I probably would have minded when teen DC needed far more direct parenting.

But I do still throw in the occasional random trip, excursion or unavoidable work commitment of my own, to make it clear that the calendar isn’t just a free space!

This man has no respect for you our your son, so yes you should divorce him. Please realise he will no longer see his son as he won't give up a days golfing to do so.

No golf game takes 8 hours. He is spending about four of that socialising and drinking. YANBU.

As someone who grew us with a father like this (constantly golfing but not drinking) I always resented him for it and never being around.

I disagree in respect of the “big question”.

She’s basically a lone parent anyway plus having to shoulder the mental load of a “family” life that centres his hobby.

I wouldn’t underestimate how much that eats away at you in terms of resentment and ultimately the drain of living with someone for whom the overwhelming emotion you come to feel for them is disgust.

Any (marginal) boon in ease of parenting isn’t compensated by sleeping next to/sharing a life with a man who you increasingly dream of shoving golf balls in his mouth to shut him up or bashing in the face with his undoubtably expensive and treasured 9 iron (that he takes more care of and respects than you).

My ex was like this but with football, it doesn’t get any easier and your pretty much doing it alone anyway so shouldn’t be all that much change if anything you might get a little bit of you time when your sons with his dad!

I think in your situation, you could start by booking a membership at your closest David Lloyd and going for a spa day every other Saturday. See how he likes being left.
you don’t necessarily have to have a hobby to go and chill out by a sauna and read a book/have some nice lunch for 6-8 hours.
it might open his eyes to the impact he is having on you.

I’m not being flippant here. What if you told him you have seen how he benefits from his golf and so you have decided to take it up too? Then you can take one weekend day and an evening for yourself and he can spend time with his son. You won’t get any time together but he sounds like an arse anyway. Take up yoga, forest bathing, getting drunk, going to the movies, become an Uber driver, anything you like. He deserves a taste of his own medicine, not more freedom.

To be fair its not his fault you have no friends or social life, i actually wouldnt say anything to him i would just vote with my feet and next weekend go away on your own straight from work or when your partner arrives home after his work, have your bag already in the car, say youre popping to the shop and go away for the weekend on your own....see how he likes it....and take up some activities groups and hobbies and just be out before him so he has to stay home, it sounds like you dont have a social life together just the 2 of you, maybe hes as fed up as you are

A couple of things come to mind, having been a single mum for 9 years: what would be the financial impact on you and ds of divorcing (might be worth getting legal advice), and how might a split affect your ds emotionally - I say that out of concern for him but also for you as you'd be the one managing it

What's the point of him?