AIBU to consider divorce over DH's frequent golf and drinking?

[MyTealFawn]

AIBU! DH avid golfer, I can’t stand it, such a selfish hobby, when he plans twice weekly out of the house for 8 hours. This year I laid down some ground rules as along with his prestigious club member, he’s also joined a society who meet monthly. He assured me the society wouldn’t affect family time as it was on a Friday, once a month and he would be home not much later than me returning from work.

Anyway, second game in, he left the house at 11am yesterday and headed home for 9pm. Not too late, and still a few hours to catch up on a Friday evening. But then he proceeded to go to the local pub for more drinking (without telling me) and returned home just after 11pm.

Im furious, and this behaviour is just becoming a weekly occurrence now, and it’s always someone else’s fault that he ends up staying later for a few more drinks.

As he left this morning for more golf, I’ve just told him this is enough now, I’m actually contemplating divorce.

For context, we’ve been together 12 years have a 10 year old DS with autism. I have no support, very few friends, and my life has pretty much become carer for my son whilst holding a senior position full time job.

Never any social or time for me, ever!

DH and I will never agree, he thinks I’m unreasonable, but I have had enough now.

Can I move on and go it alone? Or am I just experiencing what lots of women do?

Sounds familiar, I also spent 12 years with someone like your DH. Someone who was / is married to his job and for him I was the default parent for years and years while he had time to go out and drink with his mates.
I resent him so much, we both have checked out of the relationship long before ending it. He is now a McDonald’s dad as I call these type of men. Sees the children on Saturday or Sunday for few hours and takes them to McDonald’s.🤓If you ask him, he is the best dad. Doesn’t matter that he has no idea which school year his children are at or the name of their teacher and so on.
Anyway, drop the extra weight that you are carrying on your shoulders, you are doing everything alone already anyway. You will be free. :)

You can leave him, but just double checking that you’ve tried booking in similar social time ie one or two nights off a week for yourself when he does bedtime and you go for a swim and sauna or dinner with a friend and one whole weekend off a month you can use for social or health stuff?

These men should never have married or had children. My guess is they marry because it's expected of them and it makes life easier, sharing bills, having someone to clean up, not be alone for holidays.

However I would encourage you to keep quiet about divorce proceedings until you have a plan and know finances. Selfish men will look afterwards themselves first financially.

Awful op yes he wont change. Its not fair childcare falling on you either. So selfish.

Get yourself a hobby and GO OUT.
Stay out the same hours he does. You are not a lone parent.

So I left my ex for similar reasons , he was out with friends or working late , I became the unpaid childcare , house keeper etc.
I left , he then checked of of his children’s lives . 50/50 in unenforceable in court, amazingly either parent can decided to check out of being a parent and you cannot force a parent to parent or take there equal share when they are already crap.
personally get your ducks in a row, stop doing his washing , cooking his tea etc , start checking out yourself until you’ve made plans yourself .
good luck

I assume when you told him that you’re considering divorce due to his golfing, that he still went and didn’t want to stay to talk about it.
if this is the case, he is either very stupid, doesn’t care or doesn’t think you’ll do it. Which ever reason it is, adds to your need to leave.

The resentment will burn inside you, free yourself.

My DH plays golf.
Saturday 7am-2pm and Thursdays (during spring/summer months)5:30pm-8pm.
DC at home is 17 so it’s a different scenario but I completely understand where you are coming from OP.
Golf takes ages to play and is always followed by drinking.
My friend used to be a Relate counsellor and said that the 3 biggest marital issues were sex, money and golf.

I read this quote on another MN thread and it applies here.

"Some men want marriage and a family, some just want a wife and kids".

Golf twice a week should not be a problem. But 8 hours seems a long time. Either he is playing 36, or more likely, is having plenty of beers afterwards. Can you discuss some kind of compromise where he plays his game and maybe just has a quick drink to be sociable, then heads home?

As I said, 2 rounds per week is far from excessive, but he needs to make sure he finds time for you and the family as a whole and pulls his weight with house jobs/childcare.