How can I tactfully guide a new partner about sex?

[Offtotheshore]

I'm a 39 single woman and started dating someone two months ago. For context, he is 36. We've been on several dates and as a person, as well as physically, I really like him. He's got some great qualities and things I consider a plus in any relationship.

We recently started having sex. The first time was all a bit fast and all over the place, which I put down to nerves. The second time was again fast and just went on for ages, with no real stimulation. It's now putting me off meeting again, as it's not how I personally enjoy it. There's been points I have made, saying that quite often women need more stimulation, that not every woman enjoys it fast, that some intimate moments make it feel more personal and less rushed. He sort of nods and agrees but I'm not convinced it's going in.

He seems to be under the impression that women climax every single time they have sex. That it is a normal thing for us to climax multiple times. I don't get the impression that he's being dishonest either, I really do believe perhaps he's been with women who maybe haven't felt comfortable or confident enough to speak up, so they have faked it. He has dated women a little younger than me in the past, nothing dramatic but maybe they've been less willing to say anything.

I'm trying to be as vocal as I can without being cut throat, but I do feel like he's convinced it's totally normal for all of the above every single time you have it, but without using any skill. He's quite well endowed too, so it's actually painful! Which again, is something I've politely pointed out. I love he's confident but I feel it's through false information.

How else can I go about giving him pointers, without coming across as mean or insulting?

Please train him (and do yourself and if not womenkind a favour)! You have to own your pleasure :)

Stick to statements that begin with 'I'. So e.g. 'I would really enjoy it if ..', or 'I really enjoy it when ..', that way you're not criticising. We're all different and tbh he sounds rather selfish and clueless if he hasn't figured that out by now!

He sounds like a porn hound. He’s watched that much of it, that he genuinely believes women have multiple screaming orgasms from just being pounded away at relentlessly.

Bin him.

He was in a long term relationship that ended last year. I don't know if she's just made him think he's some kind of stallion in the bedroom.

There's so many great things about him but I feel his unwillingness to listen to feedback, or at least act upon it, will lead to our demise.

Will definitely use the 'I' phrases, thank you.

I don't know if she's just made him think he's some kind of stallion in the bedroom

Your OP and this update makes you seem desperate to pin the fact that he’s a shit shag on other women.

Maybe they all just persevered, like you’re going to, in the face of his “unwillingness to listen to feedback, or act on it”.

Hmm, given it's shape up or ship off, tactful isn't the way to go.

Especially if it's actually painful. Really not ok.

Nodding does sound like he's tuning you out. Plus he's mid-thorties, does he actually want to learn a new way?

@Chasbo I think he thinks the skill set he has has been successful for everyone else in the past, so it's going to be for everyone moving forward. He told me recently, and I genuinely believe he's been made to feel this way, that he made his ex climax 7 times in one sitting. I can't say because I wasn't there, but I really don't think this would have been the case.
I really think sex is such a big part of a relationship that we need to be tactfully having honest conversations, regarding pleasure and how it's achieved, instead of being too afraid to say that's not how it's achieved.
I'm trying to kindly but honestly point out it takes a little more time and patience but he seems to think that's quite odd. It really is sad because he really is lovely in other areas.

I'm going to use the approach mentioned above and try to guide him that way.

It’s true that some women orgasm through penetration and others don’t. Just tell him you’re one of the ones that don’t and he’ll have to deploy his other skills to make it happen ☺️

Sadly some well endowed men think that being big is enough.
Its not the size of the gun however its the power of the shot

Have the conversation outside of the bedroom.

He sounds like hard work. I can imagine he's going to think that you're the problem if you can't climax from being jack-hammered, and will try to turn it around on you instead of cooperating.

But if you're going to stick with him, I recommend you try telling him exactly what you like. Tell him outside of a sexual situation that you know what you like, and you're particular about it - you like x, and not y. A and not B. You like when he did C, but D just does nothing for you. It doesn't matter what his exes liked - he's not dating them anymore. He's seeing you, and you like these things.

Be specific. I think often men prefer clear instructions, if they're given with a bit of positive reinforcement, and can get frustrated if women are vague. You can get right down to the specificity of: 'With oral, I generally like lighter strokes right here, and with the tip of the tongue not the flat, in a side to side motion, not up and down' - you get the point.

He'll either want to please you, or he won't.

so the problem is he just shoves it in and does his own thing and when he is done, takes it out and bye bye

I think you need to be quite blunt and tell him that everyone is different and the skill to great sex is in the communication and adapting your technique to your new partner. Also that 'sex' is everything, not just PIV.

Does he know you haven't orgasmed the last few times you've had sex and the way he's approaching it isn't likely to get you there?

I agree with PP, address this outside the bedroom. Use 'I like' / 'my favourite thing is' / 'I want more/ less X' / 'it's really hot when you ask me what I like/ listen to what I like'. Challenge him to get you off without PIV.

This.

A lot of men also don't seem to know that most women don't orgasm through penetration alone. Given that this is all he's seen for all of his life in porn, he may not be convinced if you tell him that.

Honestly, OP, what you've described sounds shit. He's not 18, for fuck's sake. At his age, unless it's something quite specific to you, you should have to teach him or tell him basics.

I don't think he'll improve. He's convinced he's a sex God that's capable of making women orgasm multiple times due to his penis size, and anything different to that will be seen as a lacking on your part.

‘I'm not convinced it's going in’ in this context had me chuckling, sorry @Offtotheshore 😁

If he's one of those blokes who just thinks banging away for hours is pleasurable then I would just end it now. I would say that yours has watched porn and thinks that is what all women want, and he won't think otherwise.

Can you not just have a bit of fun and tell him you’re in charge for the night.

That way you can tell him exactly what to do and how fast/slow and exactly how you like it, without actually implying that he’s done anything wrong before.

I didn’t catch that 😂😂👏

@Offtotheshore its possible that his ex did orgasm easily from penetration - some women do. BUT he should be able and willing to adapt to what you enjoy. I’ve slept with men who are the opposite and insist that every women adores oral sex and just won’t believe me when I say that i find it at best pleasant and at worst ticklish 😁being good in bed is about treating sex as a form of communication - refusing to adapt or listen to feedback in bed is the sexual equivalent of banging on about your own interests during a conversation without listening to anyone else.

How does he respond if you give him direct instructions?

This.
I have no issue guiding a new partner in how I enjoy it and telling them frankly that I'm not going to orgasm like that, I need to do this, as long as the man is interested in adapting to me and genuinely enjoys the journey. But a man who isn't interested in foreplay anyway, and thinks I'm weird because I can't orgasm from being banged away at for ages? No thanks. Some men are good in bed because they genuinely enjoy sex and want to learn how to please every individual woman they are with. Some men are crap at it because they don't. You've got yourself one of the second type. They are more concerned about their ego than your pleasure. Believe me, I've slept with a lot of men! I know this type.

Three words- too much porn

Yes, sometimes women need more than just thrusting in and out to reach climax.

@Offtotheshore You mentioned he is "well endowed", which some women like. He might think that his size is enough so he doesn't need to make any effort?

Painful sex would put me off a man immediately. Tactful instructions being ignored is not good.
If he is causing you pain, he should be told, with no downplaying of the discomfort.

He’s most likely a lost cause

Thanks everyone. I think going forward, can we all make a pact that we won't encourage these actions going forward. For many young women, when you're new to it and not maybe found the confidence to say smashing me like a sledge hammer for 15 minutes doesn't make me climax 7 times in a row, we end up not feeling like we can say it. I know every female body is different but, there's just no way. I even have to encourage foreplay.

Obviously, this is why I'm here asking for advice, because I am tempted to just say it as it is, but also don't want to knock his confidence or be absolutely horrible about it. After all, if men were really rude and blunt to us, we'd all be here or in our group chats going mad. Also, apologies about the pun, absolutely not intended haha. This is why I ask for advice before I open my mouth!!

I will communicate and guide, and hope for the best! Thank you for all the helpful comments. Hope you all have a lovely weekend. 💐💐💐💐💐

But some women do orgasm multiply and in PIV. I do. Not