How can I tactfully guide a new partner about sex?

[Offtotheshore]

I'm a 39 single woman and started dating someone two months ago. For context, he is 36. We've been on several dates and as a person, as well as physically, I really like him. He's got some great qualities and things I consider a plus in any relationship.

We recently started having sex. The first time was all a bit fast and all over the place, which I put down to nerves. The second time was again fast and just went on for ages, with no real stimulation. It's now putting me off meeting again, as it's not how I personally enjoy it. There's been points I have made, saying that quite often women need more stimulation, that not every woman enjoys it fast, that some intimate moments make it feel more personal and less rushed. He sort of nods and agrees but I'm not convinced it's going in.

He seems to be under the impression that women climax every single time they have sex. That it is a normal thing for us to climax multiple times. I don't get the impression that he's being dishonest either, I really do believe perhaps he's been with women who maybe haven't felt comfortable or confident enough to speak up, so they have faked it. He has dated women a little younger than me in the past, nothing dramatic but maybe they've been less willing to say anything.

I'm trying to be as vocal as I can without being cut throat, but I do feel like he's convinced it's totally normal for all of the above every single time you have it, but without using any skill. He's quite well endowed too, so it's actually painful! Which again, is something I've politely pointed out. I love he's confident but I feel it's through false information.

How else can I go about giving him pointers, without coming across as mean or insulting?

Good sex is more about communication and caring/listening to your partner.

Everybody lies. Everybody.

Well, yes, but this thread is specifically about a man over egging his sexual prowess to his new girlfriend when her experience of him is the opposite.

So fair to say he is lying about that to protect his own ego at least.

Of course everyone lies about all sorts of crap. But men do have a tendency to lie about sex.

Obv don't need to answer but I'm curious 🤔 If climax is generally from clitoral stimulation as thats what it's there for, how do women climax from just PIV.

@cheese55 the clitoris is a big structure with several spreading roots that sit deep behind the vulva. As I understand it, orgasm from PIV is still from clitoral stimulation but a different form of it, with a different sensation (likewise orgasms involving anal or cervix contact), the difference of course including the factor of having a solid penis inside the vaginal canal. I read that the distance between the surface clitoris and the vaginal entrance also affects how likely women are to be in the large minority who orgasm from PIV (I don’t; and in fact for me, having something inside the vagina almost completely kills off any ability to orgasm from direct clitoral stimulation).

@Cheese55 excess clitoris tissue in the vagina (of around 20% of women), according to the study this anatomy instructor is referencing.

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZNRGofs5f/

he’s a really interesting guy. Up until recently that hadn’t fully mapped the nerves of the clitoris and previous studies had involved using COW clitoris!
From cow clitoral tissue they decided women only have 8,000 nerve endings in their clitoris, they have just discovered it’s actually over 10,000 but they only concluded that earlier this year!

Agreed, and bragging about previous partners satisfaction - instant fanny shrivel. He sounds awful.

You don’t give pointers to men who have made it obvious they don’t care about your pleasure.

He.Doesn’t.Care.

A decent man would be asking you what you need.
He is not a good person. He thinks a woman’s pleasure doesn’t matter.
He's not confident in his abilities, he just wants you to shut up and be his wank bank.

Stop making excuses for bad men who hate women.

And if he’s actually telling you “other women xyz” then he’s a manipulative snake. He’s trying to tell you you are abnormal for not enjoying being physically hurt due to lack of foreplay etc…This is actually gaslighting by the way.

The acting confused is an ACT. To manage down your right to expectations.
Why do his feelings matter more than yours? And not only more than your feeling s but, more than your actual physical pain!

Literally letting a guy screw you to the point where you are in physical pain because you don’t want to tell him that NO, he doesn’t get to just shove it in and gyrate a bit.

Nip this in the bud right now. And I don’t mean by having more useless conversation with him. I mean by dumping him and valuing yourself.

He’s 36 not 16.
Probably thinks his size means he’s God’s Gift.
And God literally bless all the women who have been faking in his company because they have all been faking. 7 times in one session? Not possible.
Yes, he’s probably got daft ideas from porn as well.
It is not your job to educate him and I don’t think he’d listen anyway.
He has a very fixed idea of his role and probably doesn’t want to engage in anything which requires a bit more patience.
These men are everywhere.

It really does sound that way. Not good.

It doesn't matter if his ex climaxed, OP doesn't,

Throw him back, @Offtotheshore .

The thing is OP, it is possible that whatever he did really worked for her.

Everyone is different and likes different things. You can't assume she was faking it.

It doesn't matter if it did or not; it's not working for the OP and he's not receptive to OP's tactful guidance.

My new b/f (we’re both 50s) said that( at the start of our relationship) informed me that every woman had been with had climaxed.
He didn’t understand why I couldn’t stop laughing! I actually did a ‘When Harry met Sally’ impression and he was dumbfounded!!

😂🤣😂

I’ve dated a man who was very large but was surprisingly considerate in bed (shame about his personality) and my boyfriend now is average size but asks me what I like, tells me to tell him what I like so I’m gradually more confident with him in bed. It’s the best sex ever tbh. And I thought I was a size queen before.