How can I tactfully guide a new partner about sex?

[Offtotheshore]

I'm a 39 single woman and started dating someone two months ago. For context, he is 36. We've been on several dates and as a person, as well as physically, I really like him. He's got some great qualities and things I consider a plus in any relationship.

We recently started having sex. The first time was all a bit fast and all over the place, which I put down to nerves. The second time was again fast and just went on for ages, with no real stimulation. It's now putting me off meeting again, as it's not how I personally enjoy it. There's been points I have made, saying that quite often women need more stimulation, that not every woman enjoys it fast, that some intimate moments make it feel more personal and less rushed. He sort of nods and agrees but I'm not convinced it's going in.

He seems to be under the impression that women climax every single time they have sex. That it is a normal thing for us to climax multiple times. I don't get the impression that he's being dishonest either, I really do believe perhaps he's been with women who maybe haven't felt comfortable or confident enough to speak up, so they have faked it. He has dated women a little younger than me in the past, nothing dramatic but maybe they've been less willing to say anything.

I'm trying to be as vocal as I can without being cut throat, but I do feel like he's convinced it's totally normal for all of the above every single time you have it, but without using any skill. He's quite well endowed too, so it's actually painful! Which again, is something I've politely pointed out. I love he's confident but I feel it's through false information.

How else can I go about giving him pointers, without coming across as mean or insulting?

I would consider seven orgasms to be on the low side, but I am a very direct communicator and I’m not shy about giving feedback in bed. I’ve never met a man who picked up on hints or read between the lines. No one knows your body like you do, and there are no mind readers. If you want him to know what works for you and what doesn’t, you have to tell him.

As a personal rule, I have never, ever faked a response or an orgasm, and I am absolutely unapologetic about it. I don’t believe in enduring bad sex for any longer than the couple of seconds it takes to change position. It took dh and I a while to get there in the beginning. There are also times when it’s just not going to happen but we can still have lovely sex, without it being a reflection on anyone’s skills.

I think clear communication, and the confidence to own your own sexuality can sort out most bedroom problems but mentioning former lovers would be a huge red flag for me. I mean, how did that even come up? If that was meant to undermine you or make you insecure, I’d be kicking him to kerb.

I once dated a bloke who was rather large and rather frantic in bed. He seemed to think that flipping me over every few minutes into different positions and pounding away was a woman’s best time ever. He was also incredibly sweaty once he got going 😷
I tried suggesting different things and trying to slow everything down but it didn’t work. I often wonder what poor woman he’s pounding and sweating all over now. Yuk.

I had this with my BF....but I've only ever had to tell him once, he's keen to learn how to make it good for me. If yours isn't listening, I'd say it's because he doesn't want to.

Sex is such a big part of a relationship that we need to be tactfully having honest conversations

sounds as if previous feedback has tended towards the tactful when what is required is a bit of honesty.

Hope you can have a candid conversation with him.

@Pricelessadvice I think I've met his older relative, I actually said 'you know, we don't have to go through the Kama Sutra in one night'.

At 36, I’d be inclined to think he’s beyond hope if he doesn’t yet know what he’s doing.

Would just ditch him. If he’s a poor lover at 36 and/or has a porn issue he seems icky and not worth having further bad times in bed!

God, who wants 7 orgasms in a row? I'd be over it long before then.

OP he's probably too pornified and caught up in his own amazing performance to be saved but I'd tell him he's not allowed near me with his cock till he's made me orgasm. Be playful, but strict. If he doesn't know what to do then dump him.

Get on top and show him the speed and rhythm you need.
I agree that porn has altered his idea of what gets women off. I’ve also been with someone who had a long term ex gf and I was shocked that he also performed how the guy you’re seeing is.
maybe he’s wanting to impress

General 'pointers' and comments about women in general will get you nowhere.

And it's not 'women', it's your specific needs he needs to be sensitive to.

Take control of foreplay, take control of his hand. "magic time: imagine I have you under my spell and do everything I show you / demand"

This.

He just sounds like hard work and someone who has never bothered to show any interest in learning about his partners' bodies and preferences or who thinks porn is real life sex...

Both DH and I have had rather a lot of partners and DH has 'come across' :D only one woman who could orgasm many times one after the other - it's a really unusual trait. I'm envious! My body takes a lot of effort to get there which is more common than being hyper orgasmic. I hope you appreciate your body is very unusual in this and most women end up enduring a lot more bad or unfulfilling sex than you have for that reason!

I don't think you necessarily can or can't. In 40 years of sexual activity I've only had one partner where I'd be ready to go again after each orgasm (and it wasn't when I was young either).

I don't think it was even that his technique was particualrly good, we were just good together.

Male perspective -
There is so much information out there! Erm, curiosity ? How to please a woman...should be a big turn on for him. For me, asking lots of questions during foreplay and slowing things (ultra slow delayed gratification) down really works. And remember -Foreplay starts a couple of hours before sex -with a filthy text ;)

Everyone is different. ex (20 years) never I think orgasmed through PIV, only oral or hand. Saw someone who is the opposite, never orgasmed by hand or oral, but probably 75% of the time we had sex came through PIV, and it was either more grinding (her on top) or me pounding away (sorry for too much info!).

Maybe he had someone like her before and thats the norm. It took me a while to get to grips with it!

Also, do be gentle, nothing worse than getting told your crap for confidence and erection issues!

Try to show him (gently!) how to do new things. Talk, discuss, get each other going etc 😉

Try a little phone sex or sexy texts - ramp it up.

Everyone has to learn. 👍

Any man who told me in the first few months of a relationship, that he'd caused his ex to orgasm 7 times during sex, would be toast so fast

What a pratt he is

I first started shagging when hardly anyone used the internet, long before porn was easily available, and trust me, plenty of men believed this before porn too.

I think there is a tendency on Mumsnet to say “because porn” in response to every single sexual problem. And sure, sometimes porn might be the cause. But in most cases, it’s the same problems that have been happening in sexual relationships forever.

Babe I really like you, but the way we have sex isn’t working for me. How do you feel about trying something different?

And if you sent me a filthy text you’d not get near enough to demonstrate your other skills!
People are different.

See 'filthy texts' would give me the ick

A big ick to filthy texts from me too.
I would be very direct “Dave, you hammering away at me like that is more likely to give me a UTI than an orgasm. I do not enjoy it. I do however enjoy x, y, z, can we try those things please?”.

He's 36 though not 16, you'd imagine he'd have a bit more to his repertoire by now...

That would put me right off. I don’t need a barrage of questions, filthy texts or someone going so slowly I’d want to punch them or get up and make a cup of tea as I’m so bored. Equally as bad is the pneumatic drill that OP seems to have.
Plenty of men have no clue. Some can be trained (and do very well), some are a lost cause and never listen. These ones don’t care about your pleasure even though they might say they do.
Whatever you do, don’t fake it. That’s how men end up like this. Tell him simply and clearly what works for you and make sure he practices until he gets it right. If he can’t, move on. It’s too important to stay with someone who has no clue.

7 orgasms in one sitting is laughable and shows he knows nothing about how women's bodies work.