How can I tactfully guide a new partner about sex?

[Offtotheshore]

I'm a 39 single woman and started dating someone two months ago. For context, he is 36. We've been on several dates and as a person, as well as physically, I really like him. He's got some great qualities and things I consider a plus in any relationship.

We recently started having sex. The first time was all a bit fast and all over the place, which I put down to nerves. The second time was again fast and just went on for ages, with no real stimulation. It's now putting me off meeting again, as it's not how I personally enjoy it. There's been points I have made, saying that quite often women need more stimulation, that not every woman enjoys it fast, that some intimate moments make it feel more personal and less rushed. He sort of nods and agrees but I'm not convinced it's going in.

He seems to be under the impression that women climax every single time they have sex. That it is a normal thing for us to climax multiple times. I don't get the impression that he's being dishonest either, I really do believe perhaps he's been with women who maybe haven't felt comfortable or confident enough to speak up, so they have faked it. He has dated women a little younger than me in the past, nothing dramatic but maybe they've been less willing to say anything.

I'm trying to be as vocal as I can without being cut throat, but I do feel like he's convinced it's totally normal for all of the above every single time you have it, but without using any skill. He's quite well endowed too, so it's actually painful! Which again, is something I've politely pointed out. I love he's confident but I feel it's through false information.

How else can I go about giving him pointers, without coming across as mean or insulting?

I agree but the solution is not to bin. It’s to teach him the skills. Ask him to do things the way you want them. Explain and coach. Don't make him feel shit about himself or criticise just do some coaching! Otherwise how can he improve?

It’s not just porn either.. lots of tv shows show women being skewered and jack hammered and screaming in pleasure. It doesn’t reflect reality.

Yep. Exactly that.

OP, there's no way that the other women enjoyed any of this.

With being well endowed too you'd think he'd have tried to finesse things over the long time he'd had the time and practice to finesse things a bit but it doesn't seem to be of concern to him. You have nothing to lose by saying something but I'm not sure if you have anything much to gain either.

Otherwise how can he improve?

He could ask. They’ve had sex several times and he apparently hasn’t once asked the OP during or after - is it/was it ok, what does she like/not like.

He’s just proudly told her that he made his ex orgasm 7 times in a row, and I can guarantee he told the OP that in the context of her trying to gently explain to him what she prefers or likes, he’s not interested - he’s trying to make out she’s the problem.

This is not a man who wants to improve, because if he did, he’d have improved before reaching age 36. I’ll bet the foreplay (him on her) is non-existent.

I remember Janet Street Porter saying she had sex with guys she liked immediately so she didn't waste time on them if it was shit! Pretty funny.
Maybe true though, if it's not at least pretty good sex at the start with the potential to get hotter it might be a slog. Sexual compatibility is important, it might be difficult to completely reset another persons idea of what is good sex. Especially when they are experienced adult age.

I wouldn’t even bother tbh. His issues sound more of an issue than a quick bit of guidance 😅 my view is if a man has got to that age and is still an absolutely awful lover, he is unlikely to have a lightbulb moment.

Maybe he’s quite inexperienced? Better that than a serial shagger.

I'd rather have the serial shagger who is a good lay. In fact that's what I married!

This 😂

I don’t get that impression from the post, not when previously parters were mentioned and he’s late 30s.

Even so, if they WERE inexperienced and sex was unpleasant I still wouldn’t be hanging around anyway.

This. Why are you so afraid to say how you feel, anyone I've ever dated would be mortified to know they were causing pain.

Yes! Do train him!

I suggest initial guidance should start by saying "I'd like it if you can....." and go from there!

I used to have a partner like that. If it's not sorted out soon, it's not good for the long term and maybe won't last.

I began to feel used, resentful and like a doll. Got absolutely nothing from it.

Nothing worse than one way pleasure (he used to say things like female anatomy is positioned wrong, as an excuse).

Maybe this is more common than it should be, which is sad.

Screams porn to me too. He's not interested or bright enough to hear what you are saying. Pain should be a total no no. Don't waste your time.

Sure every couple has to tune into each other and it could take a while, but if he’s showing no sign of recognising that there is a process involved, at thirty six years of age, I’d be sceptical that he has it in him to be the bindweed to your ranunculus.

Nothing is impossible in human sexuality. I’ve been with a woman who routinely had double figure numbers of orgasms per experience, but each one seemed quite small. If I’m having sex with someone, as opposed to masturbating, I am one and done, but you will know about it. She could orgasm in lots of different ways, including penetration and jackhammering, I have very specific requirements. None of this is negative. But him telling you about his ex’s amazing sexual response would frankly be more than enough for me to walk away. Tbh I’ve shagged 26 year olds who knew better than to do that.

I;m page 3 in and i do hope that you never have to worry about him again!

OP, l would privately set myself a deadline for things to improve, but he does seem to be under something of a misnomer about how a woman “works”. Relationships are an investment and can be hard work, investment deserves reward.

There have been some positive responses here and some assumptions which may or may not be right. Personally the suggestion of phone sex/texts etc would put me right off, l am in my 40s not 16. Add to this you say you have to encourage foreplay. Foreplay is sex.

Going forward l would say “l like this” and show him what you need. Tell him when you want more or less of something too. Maybe a number of non penetrative oral sessions may help too, but tell him this is what you want today.

Finally the most important thing is that you do not settle for something less than best and do not appear on these pages in12 months time when the situation has gone from very bad to worse. Good luck OP x

I love a filthy text!

I’d say start sending the filthy texts. With specific instructions included. If he ignores them I think you’re on a hiding to nothing.

You need to communicate properly.

It’s not helpful to say things like

quite often women need more stimulation or

not every woman enjoys it fast

some intimate moments make it feel more personal

because it’s entirely possible that he’s been with a series of women who do climax multiple times every time they have sex.

as someone who finds it very easy to orgasm through PIV I’m always somewhat bemused by the comments on MN that make sex/climaxing sound like it takes effort and so I don’t think it’s unreasonable that a man could feel similarly confused by vague requirements about “some women”.

if you want something ask for it. Be clear and specific. Otherwise I’m not sure you ca hold him entirely responsible

What works for one woman doesnt work for another 🤷‍♀️ i can climax from PIV quite easily and alongside foreplay this means I can climax a lot in one go depending on how long we have/what mood we are in 🙈

The only issue here really is does he want to listen to you and please you? If he isnt willing to do so then bin him off.

Sex should be about learning about each other together, thats one of the most amazing things about it that connect you as a couple (and just one of many reasons why i cant do FWB or ONS) and once youve learnt what they like and you get into that rhythm its just amazing 😉

He told me recently, and I genuinely believe he's been made to feel this way, that he made his ex climax 7 times in one sitting. I can't say because I wasn't there, but I really don't think this would have been the case.

Firstly, why would he think you'd want to know this?

Secondly, men lie.

It’s really unpleasant the way you are blaming the fact your boyfriend is a shit shag on other women.

Especially when you have already said he isn’t listening when you are trying to tell him he’s a shit shag.

Either what he did worked for the other women or they tried to tell him but he didn’t listen so they gave up and accepted crap sex, just like he’s not listening to you.

It just sounds like your boyfriend is selfish in bed. He’s doing what he likes and has no motivation to change as it’s working for him. Hence he’s not listening g when you speak.

Personally I’d bin him. But if you must persevere stop being kind snd polite to someone who is clearly unwilling to listen. It’s clear your only hope with this guy is to be blunt and direct. Tell him that how he has sex is not working for you and he needs to change what he is doing, then tell him what he needs to do.

But honestly trying to teach a fully grown man how to attune to you in sex, when he is showing no interest or motivation for this, I just wouldn’t bother. Either a partner gets off on their partner’s pleasure or they don’t and it appears he doesn’t.

It’s really unpleasant the way you are blaming the fact your boyfriend is a shit shag on other women.

Especially when you have already said he isn’t listening when you are trying to tell him he’s a shit shag.

Either what he did worked for the other women or they tried to tell him but he didn’t listen so they gave up and accepted crap sex, just like he’s not listening to you.

It just sounds like your boyfriend is selfish in bed. He’s doing what he likes and has no motivation to change as it’s working for him. Hence he’s not listening g when you speak.

Personally I’d bin him. But if you must persevere stop being kind snd polite to someone who is clearly unwilling to listen. It’s clear your only hope with this guy is to be blunt and direct. Tell him that how he has sex is not working for you and he needs to change what he is doing, then tell him what he needs to do.

But honestly trying to teach a fully grown man how to attune to you in sex, when he is showing no interest or motivation for this, I just wouldn’t bother. Either a partner gets off on their partner’s pleasure or they don’t and it appears he doesn’t.

Send him this!

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZNRG3Jcca/

seriously, go and watch a few of this guys videos and send him some relevant ones. The comments speak volumes!