How do I end it with this man

[Stoprightnoww]

Divorced 7 months. Met up with a man I’ve known years about 7 weeks ago, been going on dates and to his house, he comes to mine and the sex is amazing. Nothing I’ve ever experienced. The thing is when I come home from seeing him I feel
so emotional, can’t stop crying, irritable and waiting for him to text and when he does I get a big relief. He’s not good for my mental health and I don’t know why. I need to probably stop seeing him don’t I. I should probably just enjoy the time with him but I feel like I’m getting attached and maybe he isn’t.

Is this a pattern in your personal romantic relationships OP? Or just this one? If it’s a pattern then it may be worth you reading up on anxious attachment. The book ‘Attached’ by Ariel Levy is good.. If it’s just with this man then it may be more a sign that you’re not ready or something in the relationship dynamic is ‘off’.

I had been married for 20 years and this is the first man I’ve seen since divorce but I think I was like this with my ex H when we first started dating. I will have a look at what you recommended thank you

This is not a case of limerence by any means (limerence is something completely different), this sounds like someone with a very anxious attachment style. I would recommend not to chase this man, let him chase you and him make the plans.

@shivermetimbers77 do you mean ‘Attached’ by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller?

I agree. People are quick to say it's you and your perception but in my experience certain people (anxious avoidants) trigger this response in others by their up and down and frankly weird style of relating. It's not nice to be on the receiving end unless you're the type who isn't fazed by anything much. I'd say this is your instinct saying something is off here. Listen to it. He won't change.

I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who never instigates messages or suggests meet ups. I’m very confident and self assured but this would get wearing.

Have a higher standard for yourself Op than a man who very much seems to be “easy come easy go” in the brief relationship

@Stoprightnoww - it’s good to hear that he’s been in touch and you’ve seen each other again twice. This sounds like it’s going well. The uncertainty is a natural part of early dating. Personally, i think it’s a bit soon for heavy conversations about where this is going; it risks squashing something that’s developing nicely. You’re at a life stage where there are no time pressures and you can just let this unfold naturally. Journalling, channelling your feelings into exercise, therapy etc are likely to be more productive.

He’s using you for sex no wonder you feel this way. He isn’t making contact with you afterwards which is a shitty thing to do. How about blocking him and keeping him blocked.

I believe you misunderstood my post. I wrote that she's the one with the VERY anxious attachment style, he aint doing nothing wrong but she's obsessing over a man she just met a few weeks ago and acting like her life depends on if this man texts her or not and that's just not normal.

To be fair I think @Stoprightnoww is doing better since she posted. I'm also anxious avoidant I think and tend to go a bit this way at the start of anything (have been doing so with a new guy now but am also calming down, partly due to the support of this thread actually.) At the end of the day you have to recognize and work on it if you want to give anything a chance, whether it's these particular guys or something in future.

I still think that certain types of men bring this kind of response out. Some have made feel like this and turned out to be troubled blokes with strange ways of relating. Blokes I felt safe and calm around turned out to be good guys. What I'm trying to say is people who won't mess you around don't kick up huge anxiety in you.

For me, it happens with literally everyone. It might not with you but you might be a different personality type. The only people it doesn't happen with for me are, conversely, the ones that intensely love bomb me (so I feel I've got them) and then they turn out to be the bad guys... In every decent healthy relationship where they are not love bombing from the off and blowing up my phone constantly, I've had this anxiety at the start and it just eases when the relationship progresses and I feel more secure.

So I don't think it is always about what the guy is doing, that probably is the case for less anxious personalities, perhaps like yourself, and that's great, and much healthier!

If he only ever messages in response to @Stoprightnoww and he has never been the one to suggest meeting up…. I would think that this is just a bit on the side to him. If you are prone to feeling very vulnerable in relationships, this man is definitely going to exacerbate that.

Just an update. I’m not doing to good at the moment. Things seemed really well and I’d started to relax but now I seem to be over analysing every text message and how long he takes to reply. I’m a mess again. I know this is my problem and nothing to do with him. Im going to ruin what we have as I can’t overcome whatever this is. It’s like an obsession with this man. He does text back and text first and arrange days.

Sorry to hear you're not doing too good. Have you spoken to him about how you are feeling? Do you think if he reassured you a bit more, that would help? Have you talked about where you both see the relationship is going etc? If you get the sense that he is genuinely into you too, and this may partly be due to anxiety from your side, that might help you to relax about things a bit?

It's hard though, as I know you might not want to talk to him about this if it's quite early on!

Sounds unhealthy and basing your relationship around the sex isn’t going to end well. A lot of relationships start off with ‘great sex, the best ever’ lol. You need some time to find yourself and find some hobbies and passion in your life. Be kind to yourself.

If you've just started sertraline then it can take a couple of weeks to have a positive effect. It can actually make you more anxious, depressed in the first few weeks. So maybe hold back a couple of weeks with him until you are a bit more balanced with your emotions

I think I’m going to have a conversation with him next time I see him. If we’re not looking for the same thing it’s best I find out sooner rather than later. It’s just so hard as he probably has no idea how I feel

Sounds like that's a good idea @Stoprightnoww . Even just a bit of reassurance might really help. Mine and I did disclose to each other at the weekend that neither of us are seeing anyone else, and he has paused his account on the app we met on. That has helped me feel a lot more relaxed, not that it's any guarantee of anything moving forward but I just feel clearer about the lay of the land at present. I hope you manage to get some clarity too! And as you say, better to know now if you're not on the same page.

You said upthread that he never messages first and he never initiates a meet up.

Has this changed then since you posted that?

Either way, you are absolutely not in the right place for any kind of relationship . You need to focus 100% on yourself and kids at the current time

Do you have a history of anxiety or mental health issues?