How do I end it with this man

[Stoprightnoww]

Divorced 7 months. Met up with a man I’ve known years about 7 weeks ago, been going on dates and to his house, he comes to mine and the sex is amazing. Nothing I’ve ever experienced. The thing is when I come home from seeing him I feel
so emotional, can’t stop crying, irritable and waiting for him to text and when he does I get a big relief. He’s not good for my mental health and I don’t know why. I need to probably stop seeing him don’t I. I should probably just enjoy the time with him but I feel like I’m getting attached and maybe he isn’t.

This is a Very clear sign then @EmmaThompsonsTears that you aren’t ready yet! Just pause, focus on you. What’s the rush?

Do not text him about not seeing him again if you’re going to change your mind.

There’s nothing worse than game players and when you do genuinely want to end things it becomes much harder because he’ll think it’s part of the game playing.

I’d not rush into texting him as once you’ve said it’s over, that’s it.

This is just sex.
You should just enjoy it for what it is and that is just sex and there needs to be no relationship type communication otherwise.
If you can’t do that then yes you need to end it.

It’s likely that you need more time to adjust being single.
Once you are fully content being single, then your attachment to men becomes much healthier.

I’m so sorry you are also going through this. I feel sick constantly and im not eating. Ive lost a significant amount of weight.
that definitely hits the nail on the head what you say x

I’ve decided I’m not going to text to end it as I know I will regret it and feel ten times worse. I’m also not going to text to ask how his day is going etc as looking back it always seems to be me who makes first contact.
I’m still obsessively watching my phone for a message for him then and the relief when he texts. It’s awful.

Haha don’t worry I’m very aware of it and already out of it! The messages were just the practice ring - clearly I’m not ready yet.

I’ve got everything I could possibly need a man for anyway, no biological clock ticking (I’ve already got two young kids) - if a man’s ever going to join my life again, he needs to add peace, not disturb it.

we’ll all get there in the end, but as you said - absolutely no rush!

Keep up the practice of not texting first and you’ll get there. It takes a few weeks to stop feeling the urge, but it does ease off, I promise.

I found the BePresent app helpful, as it only lets you open certain apps a certain number of times a day (I’ve used mine to block instagram and TikTok) and you can block them completely after 10pm (or whatever time you want). It helps interrupt that knee jerk reaction of picking up your phone and immediately checking.

If you’re still at the feeling sick and losing weight stage it’s definitely not time to date. Tough love: you’ll just look for the same type of man/relationship and make the same mistakes again. Trust me, it’s better to be alone and understand what those are before you jump in again

I thought you said you were “going through it” hence we suggesting that your response indicates you aren’t ready

OP do you work?

Can you distract yourself in some way?

I’m not even allowed my phone in the building at my work.
I used to hate it and rush out at break time to go and check it but I don’t even bother doing that now and I feel so much better for it.

Could you put your phone somewhere that you can’t get to for a few hours?
Or tell yourself that you won’t text him before 8pm or only on weekends or something.

If you’re really struggling to not text him then delete all of his messages and phone calls etc so you have zero way of getting hold of him even if you wanted to.
That way it will have to be him texting you first.

I’m in work now but I’m in a quiet office so have access to my phone constantly. In a way I wish I had to put my phone away then I wouldn’t be able to text or check.
I’ve decided today I am not going to text him first and if I don’t hear from him then that’s it..will
save me heartbreak in the coming weeks/months.

i really appreciate the supportive messages

When was the last time you saw him? How was it left? Last time he or you messaged?

Have a conversation with him about where he sees to
going, it sounds like the uncertainty is what’s doing you in. Then you can decide what’s next x

Just another in the same boat here so sympathies OP. I'm doing my nut because I've just met someone online who I've super connected with - he's now currently seriously ill in hospital and I'm beside myself because he's not replied for days. I've never even met the bloke but he was showing really positive signs 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️
I've nowhere/no-one to talk sense into me so grateful for your timely thread!

Stop messaging. Seriously. If you’re feeling like this and you haven’t even met him and now he’s supposedly messaging from hospital seriously ill - it just sounds like drama and stress and heartbreak

I think you should trust your gut instincs, what's the reality of the situation, is he fully available, are you both able to be open and not secret to others.

Usually early dating is calmed with feelings of safety and security thrown in, his willingness to allow you to enter his world and introduce you as a serious partner. If anything is hidden you will feel insecure, how open is he ?

Even after seven weeks, you usually get the gist of how serious they are about how they view you.

He isn't putting your mind at rest.
Allow him to contact you, if he doesn't put the effort in then you know where you stand.
I think you are at that stage anyway, realising this man could be just a sex buddy rather than a commited future partner, or at the very least an unequally unemotionally matched person who could chew you up and spit you out.

Yep thank you @Fullofcorn for the sanity check 😅 I have done my homework and he's genuine, but my reaction is not healthy, that's for sure.

Op I may not be the best person to advise but think you're doing great and I'm going to channel your self-awareness!

OP I'm confused whether this new guy is actually behaving badly or it's your reaction to him that's the problem. I think the latter?

After my divorce I had similar 'addiction' feelings about new men - I think for me it was because I was still very low and grieving for my xh and the life I thought we'd have forever. So the potential for someone to lift me out of that hole was thrilling. I was emotionally hanging onto new men as if it was life or death.

Don't know if it's the same for you. Maybe not. What I needed was time on my own. But your new guy might not be a bad idea - just not yet. As he's been a friend a long time he should understand that you need the dust to settle first. Seven months is nothing after a marriage and dc.

Counselling also helped me sort my thoughts out.

This is it. I don’t think he is bad guy at all and it’s more me and my feelings. He hasn’t done anything to make me believe he is a bad guy so I don’t know why I’m feeling the way I am. I think it is what you say, so soon after divorce. I’ve been to gp
who recommended anti depressants or counselling. Did counselling really work for you

Yes, antidepressants and counselling might both work.

I got a lot of clarity from doing calming things like journaling, meditation and yoga. Also just time passing with me being single (I needed several years) helped settle my thoughts.

This might be quite specific to me, but I also needed to unravel why the divorce caused such an frantic panic in me. It turned out to be a reopening of childhood trauma around parental abandonment etc, so I worked through that with books and support groups.

I know I still have a tendency to get overexcitied by new men, and get that rush of adrenaline when they write to me, but now I have an explanation for that. I can take my time, do breathing exercises, journal, and that 're-centres' me in myself and I get perspective.

Those tools are absolutely crucial for me to have a healthy relationship in future.

It's probably the fact you have known him for years maybe during your marriage as a friend.

You may have had a friendship which was fun, sexual attraction bubbling under and with you being married you will have had a sense of confidence, being already partnered.

You now are on your own and vunerable, just you, your friendship has evolved into a sexual relationship and you maybe nervous of him getting to know the real you, someone who maybe more needy and not quite so fun and frivolous, a little more serious.

Scary to be vunerable and alter the footing of your relationship from long friendship to lover, he's going to discover the real you and that maybe having to show you wern't as independantly emotionally strong as he thought.

If you find a new person this will not occur, you start from fresh, on a more equal footing emotionally, less scary to be open, to be yourself.
I think this is what's making you feel ill, you can't be yourself.

When was the last time you saw him? Last time he messaged and you messaged?

Oh god. I really resonate with this. Just before I left my marriage, I met a guy. We had insane chemistry, deep connection and I felt loved and "seen" in a way I hadn't done for years in my marriage.

I thought about him all the time, every day, obsessively checking my phone and his social media. The irony was, I never actually met him in person - it was all on zoom as he was in another country. It was never even a proper relationship - I knew I wasn't ready for a new relationship as I needed to process everything from my marriage break up, but I'd never had such intense feelings for a guy before in my life.

I was talking to him for over a year and then he ended up messing me around. I was so heartbroken. Disproportionately! It felt like I was more upset about what had happened with him than the ending of my 20 year marriage. But actually I think the grief, and feelings of rejection and abandonment were all combined from both situations.

What helped me get over it was therapy (I had a therapist who specialises in attachment theory which is what I think I needed), journalling, being outside in nature. Something else I think really helped was spending time with people who I knew loved me and I felt safe with (friends and family). It was like my whole body and system was in a state of feeling either intense highs or lows, and I needed to get back to a state of equilibrium.

I also felt like I'd never meet anyone like this guy again, he was my "dream man", I'd never been more attracted to anyone - but its been 3 years since I met him and I can honestly say I don't feel that obsessive pull towards him like I did - I feel neutral and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want to be with him now!

It's good you've recognised now it feels a bit of an unhealthy dynamic, rather than later down the line. As PPs have said, it might be that your feelings are so strong partly due to being vulnerable having recently divorced. It sounds like it's happened to a few of us. It's very hard when you're in it though!

I don’t think it needs to be all or nothing!

You’re in the early lovestruck stage. Your dopamine and oxytocin highs are high. That’s fine! What’s not fine is the watching your phone and feeling so down til he calls. That’s not healthy and what you need to balance.

Either a kink thing where youre going to far with sex without the foundational trust and care in place to deal with the dopamine drop and shame after, or you are severely anxiously attached. Either way will wreck your head more as time goes on

Thanks so much for all the messages a lot resonate so much.

I do think the problem is me, he hasn’t actually done anything to make me think otherwise. I mean it does seem to text first but occasionally
does but maybe that’s because I text too often and when he texts he does sound interested. I last saw him Sunday morning and text last night and then I trxt again this morning. I’m starting sertraline this week from my GP so hopefully that will help

Just to add, so when I text he always replies and when I suggest let’s do this or let’s do that he mostly says yes but it’s always me asking