How do I end it with this man

[Stoprightnoww]

Divorced 7 months. Met up with a man I’ve known years about 7 weeks ago, been going on dates and to his house, he comes to mine and the sex is amazing. Nothing I’ve ever experienced. The thing is when I come home from seeing him I feel
so emotional, can’t stop crying, irritable and waiting for him to text and when he does I get a big relief. He’s not good for my mental health and I don’t know why. I need to probably stop seeing him don’t I. I should probably just enjoy the time with him but I feel like I’m getting attached and maybe he isn’t.

Were you planning on meeting or still in messaging phase? How long had you been messaging for? @Watchingthedaysgoby

Really not long in the big scheme of things! Anyway, I feel I am hijacking OP's thread. It's all gone quiet and I'm letting it go which is the main thing! Hackles are well and truly raised if he does ever message back - I'll need to see receipts 😁

I would bet a LOT he’s as fit as a fiddle

We need a voluntary dating service set up on mn, where potential suiters have to pass highly stringent mn vipers background checks 😅

I think not throwing yourself in to something that hasn’t gone beyond messaging is a good start!

Yes, thanks for that! 😅

How old are you OP? More or less? I feel, weirdly, that peri for me is almost like going through puberty again in many ways 😅 which has really surprised me especially the whole sexual (re)awakening side of things

it almost seems a shame to give up on someone you are so into but I agree that you need to protect your mental health at all cost

tricky situation, you have my sympathy

Sounds completely like Limerance! I was like this with my current partner and it was reciprocated. We’re now years in and still the same and wildly in love!
calm down a bit but enjoy it!

This is so interesting. I actually really agree with this. I have a similar feeling of everything in flux, all the chips in the air waiting to settle somehow into the shape of the next phase of life.

It is well know that at points of developmental change like puberty we revisit and rework earlier stages. I wonder if this is an example of this that noone has really picked up on before (or perhaps they have and I just haven't come across it before!)

On topic, I am wondering whether to match my potential partner's energy and mirror it. This usually works for me. Or if it is just too much hassle and I need to hold out for someone I can just be myself with and not feel I need to measure my communications. Or if that is just the reality of early dating.

Do you mean 7 months after legal divorce or separation OP? If the former (and you've been separated for years) it doesn't seem that soon to me.

Controversial maybe but I don't see that you necessarily need to end it. Maybe try detaching a bit first - see it as fun, casual, temporary, doesn't matter if he texts. Get into exercise, see friends, do something creative - whatever floats your boat. See if he can be a fun part of your life. But if it keeps upsetting you, yes, might be best to call it a day.

Are you seeing a therapist at all? Therapy can be very helpful for attachment issues and new relationships. It's pretty normal though, don't be too hard on yourself. Presumably you haven't had a new relationship/sex partner for years and to an extent this is what it's like. You need to relearn good habits :)

I think to a large extent it is the reality of early dating. (I agree that the mirroring can be helpful also).

I'm in a similar situation with someone I like a lot (more than anyone in quite a while). I think he likes me a lot too, but, perhaps because I've been hurt in the past, if he doesn't text for a couple of days I start basically telling myself he isn't interested, probably as a bit of a defence mechanism I think. Despite the fact that actually texting every couple of days is probably what on a rational level I am comfortable with right now! If he was texting all the time it would overwhelm me, I know that, yet I also panic when he doesn't, it's all very contradictory.

I don't deal brilliantly with uncertainty I realise, and reflecting on this I realise I am at my most comfortable in a way in early dating when I'm actually being intensely love bombed! Because if they're telling me I'm the one or whatever within a few dates then I feel like I've got them, even if it's actually deeply unhealthy and I might well quickly realise I don't feel like that about them!

In every decent, healthy relationship I have had, yes, there has always been a degree of uncertainty at the beginning, because of course there would be when you're just getting to know each other.

How are you doing @Stoprightnoww? Any news? Hope you are feeling a bit better about things.

hi @aquitodavia I am actually doing a lot better. There was some great advice on here and the one about perimenopause made me think as I am mid 40’s.

i have held off a little bit which has made him get in contact first and I’ve even not replied straight away like I usually would. Thanks to everyone who replied on here

That's great - pleased for you!

Have you even had a conversation with him, to ask where he sees it going etc, before you start jumping to conclusions in your head, have you spoke to him about how you feel? What is crazy is that women can sleep with a man but not have an honest conversation… 💁🏼‍♀️ why? He’s just a man, go out again and speak to him tell him how your feeling and discuss your expectations or what you’d like and see how that goes, as good as Mumsnet is we are not him or you, your both adults so discuss how and what the current relationship is.

@Stoprightnoww thats great news, so pleased to hear it.

@aquitodavia that absolutely makes sense. It's hard though when it is someone you genuinely like and especially when past hurt comes to mind. It sounds like you are managing it really well. And you are right. I would find it a bit much if someone else's life and day to day thoughts revolved totally around me, it would be mad actually. So good to get a sense of whether both people want the same level to closeness and distance.

Im not surprised. The moment you stop responding as quickly, and dont text first then they will suddenly show lots of interest. Keep at that. It may feel game playing, but its important that you aren't leading, and you arent so available. Very very important. Once things are secure you dont have to act that way, but for now you definately do. If you follow these simple 'rules' you may get what you want afterall - a far more attentive fella.

It’s limerence. Just been through the same. Exact same timelines. Talk to him about it. Talk about consistency and expectations. Be aware that you might suddenly get the ick with him if he turns all keen so consider his feelings aswell. It should be fun at this stage. If you rush it you might lose what could be a possible relationship. Identify your boundaries and needs and stick to them. Watch for patterns of your own behaviour that were problematic in your marriage.

So far doesn't sound like this man has done nothing wrong, sounds like you're the one obsessing with a 7 week relationship with a guy you hardly know. I believe therapy is your friend, you're not very prepared for dating at this point, you sound quite green and vulnerable. Relationships are supposed to make you happy and not the other way round.

I think it is limerence. I’d never heard of it before. The thing is he does respond to messages and send them but if he doesn’t reply straight away or ends the talk I feel so upset. I feel pathetic but I actually cry and feeL awful it if he doesn’t arrange another date straight away. I don’t feel like I can talk to him about it.

I had limerance previously with someone who was very messed up due to suicide of a parent when he was young ans complete fear of abandonent (which only became apparent over time). It was exacerbated by his constant push/pull - it was really awful. The healthiest thing I could do was to cease all contact, it was driving me insane but I could see no future so it was a bit easier I guess.

I wonder if you can't talk to him direct, whether you can assert some boundaries to give yourself some space for a week or so to gain some perspective (and while you're waiting for the Sertraline to work?).

When he messaged you last… did he suggest meeting up? Have you got anything planned with him?

I’ve met him twice since I started this post last week. He has been messaging me all week
I honestly don’t think he is the problem but it’s more myself and I need to work on that.

This isn’t a great sign