How do I end it with this man

[Stoprightnoww]

Divorced 7 months. Met up with a man I’ve known years about 7 weeks ago, been going on dates and to his house, he comes to mine and the sex is amazing. Nothing I’ve ever experienced. The thing is when I come home from seeing him I feel
so emotional, can’t stop crying, irritable and waiting for him to text and when he does I get a big relief. He’s not good for my mental health and I don’t know why. I need to probably stop seeing him don’t I. I should probably just enjoy the time with him but I feel like I’m getting attached and maybe he isn’t.

I do think a man who's truly interested in a good way will be proactive in setting things up.

I agree with @ThatCyanCat - I think you are reacting to the fact that it is almost always you who contacts him. It doesn't mean he's done anything wrong but it does suggest he's less bothered about seeing you than you are about seeing him and that is what you're picking up on. But I think the intensity of the emotion isn't really about him so much as what he represents: your first foray into dating and sex after a long marriage which didn't meet your needs sexually. You're out of practice on the dating scene whereas he isn't and the fact that he was previously a friend may mean that he feels like an anchor to you in the uncertainty of the dating scene so you're clinging to him in a way he doesn't need to cling to you. You can tell him this isn't working for you. You don't have to be argued out of that. But this madness will pass. It's about much more than just him but in time things will calm down.

I was like you with my boyfriend. We live together now and very serious but in the early days - because he was the first person I was really into after a very shitty long marriage - I got incredibly anxiously attached. I hid it better than you I think (no judgement) but inwardly I was a wreck for those first few months.

This is what I did to chill me out.

1. I muted him and checked his messages once a day only.
2. I responded once - and never ever double texted.
3. I let him ask me out. I made sure he always made the plans.
4. I let him initiate the milestones (asked to be exclusive, then boyfriend-girlfriend, told me he loved me first, asked me to meet his kids).
5. I did, however, ask him to move in with me because he never would have done because I owned and he didn't so it really had to come from me.

Im not saying all these will work for you, or are the best thing to do, but I was obsessing badly in the beginning, and he was a good one I could tell (after 8 years of shitty dating) so I was in real danger of pushing him away with my crazy. I was always expressive though about how I felt about him, expressed how much I wanted to do things with him (when he asked me) always showed great interest - but I didnt obsess (well outwardly anyway!).

HTH.

I last saw him Sunday morning and text last night and then I trxt again this morning.

Please do not text again.

How long would he usually wait before messaging? Did he/you discuss when you’d next get together during Sunday morning visit?

So much on this thread resonates with me. Similar situation and learning a lot from these perspectives and tips. Thank you for posting op. Hopefully we can all continue to support each other.

It's definitely worse as you get older I'm finding. We all come with so much more baggage. For me, when I find someone who isn't phased by the baggage (fairly rare and unique circs) it seems to send me into nutspace!!

Hoping Sertraline helps you OP. It sounds ultimately to me that you might need to open up to him around some of this.

This is a very perceptive comment

Do you mind me asking how old you both are?

I hope this isn’t happening here but I knew somebody in a similar situation and he had a couple of women on the go at the same time.

Well, he might have, given that OP said:

I don’t even know if he wants a relationship it’s more of a casual dating/sex

Doesn’t sound like they’ve agreed to be exclusive yet.

Maybe..but I really don’t think he would be doing that.

@Watchingthedaysgoby

I don’t know you obviously and it’s not my place to question your judgement but are you 100% that this is the case? Of course he could well be seriously Ill in hospital but having heard of hundreds of questionable characters in dating situations over the years this sounds like a classic thing that someone who couldn’t talk for days would do (with family/ married etc).

I’m sure you have done your due diligence but I am so cautious with these things these days. Some might say too cautious, but you haven’t met him yet so can only go by what he’s telling you. Maybe I have watched one too many docudrama on this type of thing.

OP some great advice on here. You do show a good level of self awareness. I hope it works out for you whatever you decide.

How was it left on Sunday morning @Stoprightnoww ?

I agree with this really though it is of course up to you and it is very soon after your divorce. Do you get the sense he really likes you?

The early stages of dating can be full of highs and lows, especially for certain personality types (I experience this). You should look up limerence, this sounds like what you're experiencing). There is a fight or flight aspect to that, but seeing it for what it is and riding out the dopamine waves can help. If you do genuinely like him, I would probably try to address that myself, and perhaps get ready to have a clarifying conversation with him soon.

But only you know what you really want!

I should add I'm not in an entirely dissimilar situation now, so this is a helpful thread for me too! I struggle with the texting aspect but it's very contradictory with me because if he was texting all the time I would feel smothered and overwhelmed, yet there is part of me that also wants him to. We actually text a healthy amount I think, and OP it is worth remembering that people have different texting styles, not everyone wants to be back and forth on whatsapp all day (personally I hate that, nothing to do with the person, I just don't like it).

@seanconneryseyebrow your advice is great, I have bookmarked it, thanks!

Thank you @beasmithwentworth I really don't have any reason to believe anything is not as it seems. The run up conversations would have been quite difficult to have made up, but of course time may tell. Eyes wide open here.

We've both come through some really difficult times, had loads in common and there was just a glimmer of hope that I may have found someone I was compatible with, or at least found a friend. Just cross it's got snatched away so quickly, that's all.

Thank you so much for the replies on this thread. I never expected so many and such good advice. The one who mentioned limerance I’ve had a look and that really sounds like what I have.

I am having through so many highs and so many lows every day.

Has it helped to talk about it here @Stoprightnoww? Or are the feelings still really intense?

@Watchingthedaysgoby it has helped to talk on here but they are still really intense. I don’t know if I should tell him or will that scare him off. I hate feeling like this. It is like an addiction.

I totally get you @Stoprightnoww. I really think trying to see it as a chemical rush that is actually fairly unrelated to the person in question is helpful (not that it makes it stop but just reframes it).

Personally I'm not sure I would tell him, and I think doing so might then only increase your anxiety if say, you then didn't hear from him for a little bit. But I don't know your relationship with him obviously.

Yes, I think perhaps on reflection, maybe try the Sertraline first, and see if you can ride things through until they level out a bit, and trying to be struct about messaging. Have you been on Sertraline before? Handy if you already know it works for you.

*strict!

You must leave it

You have messaged twice since Sunday and not a squeak from him. The ball is in his court well and truly.

were plans made to get together again when you last saw him Sunday morning?

Make plans with your children / friends / family this weekend now so you have things to look forward to over the weekend

How long had you been messaging for @Watchingthedaysgoby ?

Did it come to the point when meeting in person was imminent when he revealed he’s got a serious illness?

No, it was completely unrelated to meeting. I encouraged him to go get checked out, he wasnt going to.