Found messages and photos on partner's phone, unsure whether to confront

[SecretiveOne]

Me and my partner have 2 boys - 2.5 & 8 months.. the relationship hasn’t been great since I got pregnant with 2nd baby and even after his birth.. (he wasn’t particularly sympathetic when I was really poorly and suffering with GD & HG during pregnancy), we’ve discussed splitting up numerous times but this last time (a month ago), we agreed to try and make a genuine effort and stay together. I actually don’t want anyone else, would just like to him to be nicer to me and have more communication in the relationship (neither of which are his strong points, he’s not much of a sharer, feelings-wise). We recently started being more intimate again and I feel it’s improved things, I felt closer to him and hoped he would feel similar, I didn’t want to split up in the first place because I’m a SAHM and it’d be my worst nightmare to deal with 2 under 3’s 24/7 on my own (albeit I do 90% of all childcare now anyway - we have no help from family, the 2 year old does nursery 2 days a week).

My dilemma now is I’ve been looking through his phone and found numerous naked pictures saved in his camera roll all of one female, around late February time.. and since then, I’ve searched through all his messaging apps trying to find who this woman is - think I’ve cracked it, a woman from work.. I’ve read all their Teams messages (and since found the nude pictures in a locked WhatsApp chat) and it made my heart sink - he’s not the affectionate or complimentary type but with her it’s all “anytime, beautiful” and there was mention of him checking out her arse in the office and “are you okay?” .. “I am as long as you are xx”, even offering to take her out and mentions of “pillow talk”.. I don’t know if they’re sleeping together, he’s mentioned her in passing before but clearly really likes her - he never speaks to me the way he speaks to her, I’m treated as an inconvenience most the time or a nag.. it’s really upset me but now I don’t know what to do - the relationship feels better and I really really don’t wanna have to do this as a single parent, I’m not sure I love him, possibly never did but we’ve always been this way (started seeing each other in 2018, met at work..). If I confront him, it’s likely to blow up and I’ll end up alone, but we’ve got a holiday booked in July and I feel really betrayed. Part of me wants to not mention it and just keep reading the messages, because otherwise if he knows I’ve looked through his phone, he’ll change all his passcodes etc. I’m torn, upset and feel I need to discuss it with him but don’t want to split up.. any advice would be appreciated - thanks

Did he take the pictures himself? Did she send them to him? How do you know all his phone passcodes?

I think you will regret it down the line if you don't confront him. You don't want a partner you can't trust.

From experience, I regret saying something early on and would have gathered more intel for my own sanity.

You cannot change him. He’s a cheat. He’s horrible to you and puts on a nice act for her.
Thats before the photo issue, which is vile.
I am going to be blunt. He does not love you any more.
You don’t love him either you are just scared to be alone with two young DC.
You are already alone, isolated, and defeated and if you keep this going you are going to make yourself seriously ill.
The relationship is already done and you don’t trust him.
The holiday isn’t important.
What is important is sorting your life out.
You aren’t a doormat, so what if he blows up? Tell him he’s a cheat and then separate.
It doesn’t matter if he lies about it - you know.
Don’t be so scared that you will put yourself through any more of this.
You deserve better.

Proudamberturtle They’re selfies that have been sent to him (on a ‘view once’ WhatsApp message - he took a picture of his screen with his work phone) there are also intimate videos which she has filmed.. I know his passcodes because we aren’t massively secretive about them, I just never usually touch his phone but then came across these images

OP he's cheating on you with a woman at work, yet you want to stay with him? What will not telling him and keep reading the messages achieve? It will just hurt you more. I think you need to think long and hard about why you want to stay with him. Is it the fear of being alone with 2 small children? Yes, it's hard to single parent but it gets easier as your children get older and at least you won't be worrying about what your unfaithful partner is up to. You deserve so much better.

He is already cheating, has checked out and you’re staying because you don’t want to go it alone for all the reasons you’ve given. What answers are you ultimately looking for? He’s not going to stop so you’ll have to suck it up, unless he leaves of course.

What makes you say that you're not sure you ever loved him?

Saying nothing will just eat away at you and drive you crazy,

You said he's not the affectionate complimentary type with you, but he is with her, that shows you he is capable of being affectionate and complimentary, he's just choosing not to...

Don't stay with someone who will treat you this way, by cheating on you he is showing you he has no respect for you or your feelings or your relationship, you could stay with him, say nothing and he could still choose to be with the other woman (staying and saying nothing doesn't mean you get to keep him)

Put yourself first op, if you do confront him don't let him gaslight you , especially since you know the truth from reading the messages and seeing the photos

Why try and find more? One lot is enough.
I know it’s hard and hurtful but you are both done.
He will lie if confronted, or minimise, or have a go at you to deflect.

pretty much, my biggest fear is ending up a single parent - life’s already incredibly hard and I don’t know how I’d manage on my own.. I do admit that what you’re saying is true.. I don’t really deserve this, but worry I’ll be alone forever otherwise - no one wants a woman with 2 toddlers and it’s not even like I could go out and date on an evening, I’d just be shackled to this house 24/7

I feel like I almost want to see messages that prove he’s meeting up with her or sleeping with her, so I have more to confront him with..at this stage he could just brush most of it off as harmless, flirting..

It’s just never really been a “lovey dovey” kind of relationship - we’ve never said it to each other, we just kind of know we care about each other (or did, apparently)

My suggestion is to tell yourself that you will take time to come to a decision, in that time you will find and take copies of all important/financial info and get legal advice about your position and the possibile action that you could take.

You will feel better when you have the information you need and have taken control, rather than being the victim in this relationship.

What was the outcome of your relationship..? (If you don’t mind sharing..)

He also told me recently that he’s “not as attracted to me anymore” - apparently since I’ve breastfed for 2 & a half years, had a c section and spend every waking minute of my life looking after these little ones on next to no sleep.. Your response is pretty much what I was already thinking, thank you :)

In all honesty use the situation for what works for you. If you need to feel more back on your feet after having the the baby and you want to tread water and split up later down the line do that.
stay together while you get stronger, the baby’s sleep gets better, you form a plan do it. I would. If you rush to confront then you haven’t thought about what you need enough. Prioritise yourself

I left my husband for 9 weeks when he cheated. It was very very hard with two small children. People will come along and say LTB but it’s incredibly hard to do with small kids alone. You aren’t imagining it!! It was harder than I expected

@SecretiveOne You know this is not the life you want to live. I understand why you are reluctant to leave with 2 small ones but it's very doable and you will feel better afterwards.

I’d focus on putting yourself in a position where you can cope on your own. Make a plan. Figure out benefits. Start stashing some money away in a separate account.

If you are not married you are incredibly vulnerable as a SAHM because you have no entitlement to any of his assets or pension when you split. Look at going back to work.

You might want to stay together but that doesn’t mean he will. So you may have no choice here. Focus on improving your own position.

I know it’s not the popular opinion but I do see where you’re coming from OP. It’s not for anyone else to decide what you do. If you think that staying with him works best for you while the kids are young and you can be a stay at home mum, so be it. Be tactical, have a plan B so that when the kids reach school age you can reassess your situation and whether you are still happy. It’s hard having kids and definitely puts a strain on relationships. Are you educated? Could you start an Open University degree that you can complete in the next few years? You don’t need any prior qualifications and if you’re a low income household might be able to get it fully funded. Look after yourself and get yourself ready for what you want in out of life x

Let's assume that this woman has no idea about you, on the off chance she doesn't. You say he's taken photos of photos she deliberately set to view once, for her own privacy. What kind of man betrays trust like that for a woman you seem to think he really likes? The same type that betrays a partner. He's not a good guy, at all. Who knows if he's been showing them around at work. Both of you have not been shown respect. It's not about her, whether she knows or not, but about the way he is willing to treat a woman he allegedly cares for. Some people are ok with being with a cheat as long as they have financial security or as long as the rest of the world thinks they are a happy family and if that's how you feel, that's up to you. What worries me more is that he has no respect for boundaries and I'd forever be wondering if he'd share your images with others or turn into the next Pelicot, and for that I'd be ending it for mine and my children's safety.

Only you can make the decision op.

yes it will be very very hard especially nights when one of them is sick and you are running on no sleep but it can be done.

being a single mum isn’t as bad as you think. He would have the kids at some point so that would be your ‘free time’ so to speak. Benefits would help slightly with the money worries and you just need to be very organised to save unnecessary trips to the shops etc and remember they will not always be this tiny for long

What a piece of low life: cheating on you and then trying to blame you because your body has altered after giving birth to his children.

I doubt she would be sending a work colleague naked photos and intimate videos if they hadnt had sex.

Honestly OP even if you don't end the relationship there is nothing to say he won't jump ship. Much better to end things on your terms.

Are you financially independent? Who owns the house?
Being dependent on a cheating boyfriend is precarious, no point in discussing the cheating if you want to stay in the loveless flatmate living arrangement, but secure your financial independence.

if I were in your shoes I'd pretend that I knew and saw nothing. Take pictures of the conversations, any videos, pictures etc anything you can get your hands on. Search up any legal things you might need to know on incognito mode amd of any women in your predicament that came out on top. Ask him for money frequently. Literally make him pay. As a last F u anonymously send the videos to their work. That might be illegal so idk about that one but i'm vindictive so I'd do it. Anyways, just play dumb until you know for sure what you want to do. No more intimacy. Best of luck.