Found messages and photos on partner's phone, unsure whether to confront

[SecretiveOne]

Me and my partner have 2 boys - 2.5 & 8 months.. the relationship hasn’t been great since I got pregnant with 2nd baby and even after his birth.. (he wasn’t particularly sympathetic when I was really poorly and suffering with GD & HG during pregnancy), we’ve discussed splitting up numerous times but this last time (a month ago), we agreed to try and make a genuine effort and stay together. I actually don’t want anyone else, would just like to him to be nicer to me and have more communication in the relationship (neither of which are his strong points, he’s not much of a sharer, feelings-wise). We recently started being more intimate again and I feel it’s improved things, I felt closer to him and hoped he would feel similar, I didn’t want to split up in the first place because I’m a SAHM and it’d be my worst nightmare to deal with 2 under 3’s 24/7 on my own (albeit I do 90% of all childcare now anyway - we have no help from family, the 2 year old does nursery 2 days a week).

My dilemma now is I’ve been looking through his phone and found numerous naked pictures saved in his camera roll all of one female, around late February time.. and since then, I’ve searched through all his messaging apps trying to find who this woman is - think I’ve cracked it, a woman from work.. I’ve read all their Teams messages (and since found the nude pictures in a locked WhatsApp chat) and it made my heart sink - he’s not the affectionate or complimentary type but with her it’s all “anytime, beautiful” and there was mention of him checking out her arse in the office and “are you okay?” .. “I am as long as you are xx”, even offering to take her out and mentions of “pillow talk”.. I don’t know if they’re sleeping together, he’s mentioned her in passing before but clearly really likes her - he never speaks to me the way he speaks to her, I’m treated as an inconvenience most the time or a nag.. it’s really upset me but now I don’t know what to do - the relationship feels better and I really really don’t wanna have to do this as a single parent, I’m not sure I love him, possibly never did but we’ve always been this way (started seeing each other in 2018, met at work..). If I confront him, it’s likely to blow up and I’ll end up alone, but we’ve got a holiday booked in July and I feel really betrayed. Part of me wants to not mention it and just keep reading the messages, because otherwise if he knows I’ve looked through his phone, he’ll change all his passcodes etc. I’m torn, upset and feel I need to discuss it with him but don’t want to split up.. any advice would be appreciated - thanks

A friend of mine, more a friend of a friend, had a husband who would have affair after affair, she would never confront him. She’d just say things like, he’ll never leave me, I’m the one with his children, he’s not serious about them, he’s just using them etc. Well, all she did was let him have more and more opportunities to fall in love with someone else, which he eventually did, he left anyway. If’s like shooting fish in a barrel, you’re eventually going to hit one. He fell hook line and sinker for a younger woman. She’s devastated and saying “I never thought he’d actually leave”.

L.T.B and go on the holiday with a good friend 💐 🫂

I really feel for you. You don’t need to make any decisions right now. If waiting until the kids are older is better for you, that’s completely ok. You’ve seen his behaviour clearly now, and unless he’s genuinely willing to change (and stopping the affair doesn’t count - that should never have happened in the first place), you know exactly where you stand.

When I discovered my DH’s messages to the woman, I was shocked by how kind and sweet he was to her. He hadn’t been kind to me in a long time, and I’d actually normalised it. Finding out was incredibly painful, but in hindsight it was a blessing. I’ll never allow that slow creep again. I’m honestly horrified at what I tolerated because I believed he was just stressed, when actually he was treating me terribly. One day you’ll look back and feel that too.

You sound so calm and rational in the middle of something incredibly difficult. You deserve so much more than this man is offering. I wish you continued strength and hope that you find a life that is worthy of you.

Surely if you're financially fine and secure in your housing, you could just get an au pair or similar to help you.

You don't need to stay with a cheat, dolefully waiting for a better life.

It's super unlikely he's only giving her oral sex. (Not sure how that would be more acceptable than fucking her anyway.)

OP what’s your partner’s financial situation? What would he do if u asked him to move out?

If you did split he’d hopefully have the kids couple of nights a week/fortnight, so you would have a time to yourself. Do you think hes grovelling so much as hes worried you will throw him out?

you are worth so much more than this. Looks like he’s never put much effort into the relationship, and you do all the childcare now, so not much will change if he’s not there

Whats his financial position without you? Are you sure he’s not just stringing you along if he financially benefits from being with you? Sorry if that sounds harsh

Your relationship has been unstable for some time and that's before his physical cheating. I see cheating as a form of abuse so I personally wouldn't stay in an abusive relationship.

Get STI testing. He's lied already and do you really want to take the word of a cheating liar when it comes to your sexual and reproductive health? That's a no.

Do you think you can overlook his cheating and stay together? Can you really rely on him to stick around or think that he will exit this relationship at one point or another? If he's cheating, he doesn't respect you and he's likely to leave you for another woman at some point, especially if you haven't had a strong and loving relationship. Splitting isn't going to always be up to you do you'll have to be prepared for that and that doesn't sound like much of a relationship.

You deserve so much better.

Unfortunately there is a very good chance that he will leave you at some point, for someone else.

He doesnt want to right now because he has it very sweet indeed, not least with the free housing. But be under no illusions......as soon as another sweet deal comes along he will be gone.

Its better that YOU control when that is, not him. You will cope, I didnt think I would, but I did.

It’s ok to wait to make your life easier op. You don’t owe him the truth about that either, he didn’t feel he owed you loyalty, monogamy or the truth about a his affair. If this is better for the kids right now that’s fine, you can plan your fantasy single future and work slowly towards it. The kids won’t be so little and hard work forever.

Financially he’s really well off, earns 60+k a year at work (before overtime) and pays me £500 a month towards bills and the house. We also take turns paying for shopping every week & he’s bought a house for himself, to renovate and rent out. I don’t think he’s with me for the money..

Are you in a university town OP? If so don’t rule out trying to get a student to come in as a part time help in the evenings - just for the couple of hours that he would normally be there for - between when he normally comes in and the kids go to bed.
Then as others have said also make sure he has them one weekend day so you can rest / look after yourself etc.

If you can afford that evening help this is totally doable and might even be easier than it is for you currently?

Do both DC sleep through? If not, does he help in the night? If they don’t sleep and he does help in the night, I can see how that could be a concern while they’re both so young. But otherwise you could do this now OP

good luck

Yeah, it’s not really.. he says that “he wouldn’t allow himself” to have sex with her, citing some form of moral issue(?!) The messages from her though, recalling their sexual moments together have stated “I wanted you inside me” etc - which suggests, he wasn’t, infact, “inside her”. It’s one of the few bits he’s claimed that I actually believe, they speak of “playing with each other” or using toys but no mention of full on penetration. Not that this makes any of it any more acceptable (if anything, I actually consider oral sex a more intimate act that just regular old fucking ..)

you admitted that neither of you love each other so even if you ignore this, there is nothing to stop him leaving you (for this woman or someone else) so while I understand not wanting to parent alone, if you decide to stay I would do so with the intention of making a plan on how to cope when the inevitable does happen. I personally would make myself ill waiting so would rather make the decision myself and be in control.

Yeah, I’m in a university town - I wonder how I could go about employing a student as part time help.. Just look at registered Nannie’s in the area online(?)

& no, unfortunately they don’t sleep through, older child does most of the time but if he wakes up at 12/1/2am after a nightmare he’ll run in to my room screaming and wake the baby (who bed shared with me and doesn’t sleep through the night..). Currently my partner sleeps in with the elder child and stops him coming to wake me or the baby up either in the night or at 5.30 when he seems to want to get up.. it’s things like this I don’t know how I’d manage alone

Honestly, I couldn't handle that for a second. How can you live with him and have him be the example your kids learn from? Whether he's slept with her or not, don't you feel like he's cheated on you? He sounds horrible, anyway...you literally haven't said a single good thing about him. You're scared for the future, understandably, but he's got zero respect or care for you and you don't want to raise kids in that environment. Millions of women have managed to leave a shitty husband and create a happier life and millions will continue to do so, even though it's hard and scary. Personally, if I were to stay with him I'd lose respect for myself, too and then it would just be a downward spiral. You do what feels right, but honestly, you're just going to get older and more beaten down and it will just get harder and harder. Good luck to you

A man who says "Checking your arse out" is a total twat imo before anything else.
She would be welcome to the scummy twat. You and your kids deserve so much better OP.
I don't put up with idiots no matter who they are be it family, friend, stranger.

So he is:

1. having an affair
2. earns 60k a year and is giving you a £125 a week?
3. buying his own house to do up and rent out? Blimey, that’s grim. He must have a lot of spare cash each month. Please don’t insult your own intelligence by saying he’s not shagged her. He has. He’s a liar. This gets grimmer by the post. You are basically providing a home for less than you’d charge a lodger, who is cheating on you and securing his own financial future? And you have two kids?

He's on really cushy deal. Hardly pays anything towards living costs and busily building up his own separate financial pot while you subsidise him.

Where can you live for £500 a month? Your mum's if you're lucky.

He's a lot more well off because of you.

I can understand wanting to confront him, I really can.
But at the moment you have time to reach out for support, talk to family, friends, check with the authorities regarding housing. Do it. Do it while you can. Telling him now puts you on the back foot. Get ahead of this as best you can. It won't change the outcome. Your relationship is over. Put yourself first by figuring out the future.

My thoughts too.

Whether he's having a physical affair or not (sounds like he is) he's cheating on you emotionally. He's disrespecting you. He's being rude to you. You don't deserve this. He's disgusting.
Yes you can meet someone else. You can split up and he can have the children at weekends or half a week or whatever you both agree. Having children already doesn't mean you can't have another relationship. Get on and leave him before your children are an age they remember this crap. You're not setting a healthy example for them. You can move on and be happy, it will hurt getting there but staying in this will hurt more and you're going to get the same outcome. Do you really think your relationship is ever going to be all you want as deserve. He's not respecting you or loving you.

i think the best thing is to call it a day romantically, you can always sort out a coparenting plan while living together for a while (make it clear he’s not to bring her to your home) and make sure you’re out and about at least a couple of nights a week (seeing friends or join a gym and do swim and sauna- go on dates if you like too!)
it isn’t salvegable but you could perhaps be decent coparents and just bring up the kids as colleagues.

Ps there are lots of handsome divorced dads on dating apps who have a kid or two and don’t want more. They would be great to do sexy weekends away with if you coordinate your child free weekends and if it all works out family holidays or even move in together maybe. Don’t stay with this cheater who you don’t even love you only love once!

Yep.

He wouldnt be able to afford to buy and renovate that house if he wasnt getting such a great deal with you.

He may not be with you for the money exactly, but he sure as hell knows how much worse off he would be without you.

Just done a quick calculation on CMS with him earning £60k and having the kids one to two nights a week and he would be paying £630 is a month, more than he pays now in housekeeping!