Found messages and photos on partner's phone, unsure whether to confront

[SecretiveOne]

Me and my partner have 2 boys - 2.5 & 8 months.. the relationship hasn’t been great since I got pregnant with 2nd baby and even after his birth.. (he wasn’t particularly sympathetic when I was really poorly and suffering with GD & HG during pregnancy), we’ve discussed splitting up numerous times but this last time (a month ago), we agreed to try and make a genuine effort and stay together. I actually don’t want anyone else, would just like to him to be nicer to me and have more communication in the relationship (neither of which are his strong points, he’s not much of a sharer, feelings-wise). We recently started being more intimate again and I feel it’s improved things, I felt closer to him and hoped he would feel similar, I didn’t want to split up in the first place because I’m a SAHM and it’d be my worst nightmare to deal with 2 under 3’s 24/7 on my own (albeit I do 90% of all childcare now anyway - we have no help from family, the 2 year old does nursery 2 days a week).

My dilemma now is I’ve been looking through his phone and found numerous naked pictures saved in his camera roll all of one female, around late February time.. and since then, I’ve searched through all his messaging apps trying to find who this woman is - think I’ve cracked it, a woman from work.. I’ve read all their Teams messages (and since found the nude pictures in a locked WhatsApp chat) and it made my heart sink - he’s not the affectionate or complimentary type but with her it’s all “anytime, beautiful” and there was mention of him checking out her arse in the office and “are you okay?” .. “I am as long as you are xx”, even offering to take her out and mentions of “pillow talk”.. I don’t know if they’re sleeping together, he’s mentioned her in passing before but clearly really likes her - he never speaks to me the way he speaks to her, I’m treated as an inconvenience most the time or a nag.. it’s really upset me but now I don’t know what to do - the relationship feels better and I really really don’t wanna have to do this as a single parent, I’m not sure I love him, possibly never did but we’ve always been this way (started seeing each other in 2018, met at work..). If I confront him, it’s likely to blow up and I’ll end up alone, but we’ve got a holiday booked in July and I feel really betrayed. Part of me wants to not mention it and just keep reading the messages, because otherwise if he knows I’ve looked through his phone, he’ll change all his passcodes etc. I’m torn, upset and feel I need to discuss it with him but don’t want to split up.. any advice would be appreciated - thanks

Is this other woman married/in a relationship?
You need to gather a bit more info,instead of confronting your husband, I'd be tempted to contact her husband and.tell him (obvs with your evidence)
Or I'd message her and tell her if she wants him come and pick him up ASAP, as youre not playing second best to a homewrecker like her

If you think you can stomach not saying anything then you should use that time to get your ducks in a row. Look for a job, work out how you’ll survive without him and his money, and then when you’re in a better situation you can leave him

I think you should 100% do this OP.

Get him to help more with the baby and stop sleeping with him - bide your time. Personally I'd wait until baby is 1 and then I'd get a job and sort childcare. Or you could ask him to take some paternity leave? Then when you're feeling better and more together, split on your terms.

It's not you.
It's him getting it somewhere else.

Get ducks in a row and get rid.

It’s very sad that you have never said ‘I love you’ to each other.
You deserve to be loved, be brave and end it and tell your children you love them every day, don’t let them grow up in this cold environment.

This.
Watch & wait. Sort your finances. Start leaving him with the child, start making him 50/50 in the relationship.
He needs to see how much work its going to be for him as a single parent of 2 children & how much stuff you do.
Get your freedom. & live your life for you.
Hes a dick.

If you do decide to turn a blind eye (or confront but stay), please start getting yourself into a position where you can go it alone anyway.

If he is cheating, there's no guarantees he won't make the decision for you and leave. Either for this woman or the next.

Think about training, brushing up your skills and CV, think about creating separate savings and how to ensure housing security.

Don't be with him because you're dependent, be with him because you want to be.

Get yourself into a position where it's a choice.

Look, OP, unfortunately none of this is going to go away. He’s a dick to you and he’s cheating on you. Those are facts. It’s happened.

No matter how much you don’t want to split up or be a single mum, those are still the facts and you have to deal with them regardless.

You don’t want to deal with them. I get it. But it’s already happened, and you can only go forwards.

1. turn a blind eye. Allow him to crack on the way he is. Consequences: your wellbeing (physically and mentally) deteriorates over time. Your suffering will increase, the wellbeing of your children will also deteriorate.

2. you leave the relationship. Consequence: some things will be harder than you thought, some things will be easier than you thought. Your children grow up having self-respect, independence and resilience modelled for them. Your wellbeing won’t deteriorate under the burden of being continually mistreated.

3. you confront him, he assures you he will stop. Consequences: he doesn’t – choose option 1 or 2

4. you confront him, he tells you he will not stop – choose option 1 or 2.

You need to dig deep and find your self respect.

Being single forever would be a far superior life than staying with this nasty shit

Ignore the advice from a previous poster about sending the videos to his work! Definitely illegal, and extremely unhinged.

All very to well plan on staying but its possible he could leave at any time, particularly with another woman lined up. So even if you don't leave it would still be a good idea to get your ducks in a row somewhat.

Agree with a previous poster about it being sad you never said i love you to each other. Can't imagine choosing to have kids with someone i dont love.

Personally I think you would survive leaving him and your life would be happier eventually. However if you are going to stay, toughen up and do it as a strategy not as a trying to make the relationship work. In the latter situation I wouldn't confront him. You know he will try to lie his way out of it and if you are not hoping to repair the relationship it's irrelevant. You have something in your back pocket you can hold over him at a later date. However start being more assertive. If he criticises your looks again tell him to stop it. Make sure you get time off from the kids. Push back against the current status quo. See him as what he is - the father of your children with equal responsibility to bring them up. But the most important thing of all - go back to work. This will be your eventual route to freedom. Make sure the money goes into a separate bank account and transfer what is needed to any joint account to cover costs. That way you can start saving up. Once your kids are at school and you have more financial freedom you will be in a better position to leave.

@SecretiveOne He absolutely cannot ‘brush off’ naked photos and messages of this type as flirting. I mean this kindly as I’ve been there but it sounds like your self esteem is very low if you are telling yourself this is acceptable or you could live with it. If it helps, imagine a friend telling you this was their partner - would you think they could continue or would you advise them that it wasn’t good enough?

Also the fact he’s less attracted to you because you’ve had and fed his children, and he thought it fit to tell you that? That is utterly, utterly disgusting.

The list of reasons you’re giving to stay feel valid and I get that. I’m not saying it wouldn’t be hard at first, but the way you’re speaking feels like sunk cost fallacy - you believe you’re so invested for so many reasons that it’s better to soldier on than get out.

I hope it’s helpful for me to tell you that, objectively, his behaviour is appalling and wouldn’t usually be something to be got over. Try to think, instead of ‘who would want me with two children?’, ‘I’ll only be with someone who absolutely deserves me as and when that situation arises, and they’ll be lucky to have me, but right now I’m getting out for me and my children to give us the life we deserve’.

I love being a single parent and genuinely think it's easier than being with a dickhead. I completely understand your fears but you may find your single mum life isn't as bleak as you think.

UPDATE - After posting this last night he fell asleep so I had another look through his phone, found loads of messages saved under the name of one of his male coworkers.. he’s been going to her house after work, telling me he’s working late and giving her oral sex - numerous messages about how he’s “desperate to see her” etc and compliments about how hot she is, apparently she dresses up for him in lingerie and they sneak off at work for “a snog”.. I read those messages and felt sick. So, I confronted him.. initially he denied it but once it was obvious how much I knew, he couldn’t. He claims that he had no intention of leaving us, that he’s sorry and feels awful, he’s felt really guilty about it and it was a relief that I knew. He insists they’ve never had penetrative sex (which is kind of backed up by a few of the messages).. he claims he’s been to her house “maybe 10 times”, it started in February - I’m not sure how much of that I believe. He says they were “bringing it to a close” because they’d had conversations about how it was wrong and unfair etc, but there were even messages on his phone from yesterday saying “I miss you, wish I could see you. If I didn’t have to be at xyz, I’d be with you xxxxxx”.. Doesn’t sound like ending it to me. Honestly I think if he hadn’t been caught he would’ve carried on, cause why not? All very exciting and fun isn’t it..

so basically we stayed up till 3am talking about this, he claims he doesn’t have feeling for her, he wants to stay with me because he “adores me” (?!). He’s messaged her explaining that I know about the whole thing and he wants to stay with his family so it ends now (she definitely knew about me and the little ones, she’s single).

Not sure what to think, nothing’s happening right now - I think this will be the end of it eventually but probably not immediately..

In response to some of the other questions, I’m financially stable, fortunate enough to rent out 3 houses so that keeps me going, also got plenty savings of my own. We’re not married and have never had a joint bank account - the house is mine (lived here 12 years, no mortgage), everything in it is also mine. In terms of employment, I’m hoping to get something part time once my youngest starts nursery, around 12 months old - I’ve got a university degree and numerous driving qualifications (former HGV driver before having babies), so would probably just go back truck driving through and agency a couple of days a week..

Thats the story so far anyway, feel free to let know what you think - I’m aware I look like a doormat not immediately telling him to get the fuck out of my house.. just trying to make my life easier at the minute and weirdly, I don’t hate him - it’s not exactly devastated me.. I think I’ll just plod on for a while longer till the babies reach an easier stage of life! Thank you so much for the responses - I know I deserve a better life than this, hopefully, one day..

Given how comfortable things are financially why not split from him? Is it a case of not being in love and genuinely being able to tolerate of the affair doesn’t end ‘immediately’? He even said he’s not attracted to you, which is awful, this doesn’t really seem tenable???

That's awful to read but not surprising and he's clearly a liar. As you are in a good place financially, could you spend the next couple of weeks trying to buy in some help with your children - childminder/part time nanny etc so you could get some time out of the house and maybe get a part time job? Then once that's all in place tell him to leave? At least that way he wouldn't be around to humiliate you and what you have found out and he has told you is clearly only part of the story. Look on the bright side - you're young, financially secure and you really don't have to put up with being with this loser. Is he looking for another job because if you stay with him and he stays there, the affair won't end - all he's doing is telling you what you want to hear at the moment.

@SecretiveOne But you're financially independant, not married and the house is yours!! Why oh why would you let this awful excuse of a man stay another minute in YOUR house. Call a friend to stay with you for a while but I just don't see how you can stand being in the same room as him another minut!

Your better life can start today. Tell him to move out tonight after kids' bedtime for a week or 2, so you get time to breathe and have space to think things over, but not make is so definitive as maybe that is too much to fathom for your right now (I don't give a fuck about him btw, just you and the kids).

I can get behind swallowing your pride for a while if leaving leaves you in a shit position financially, as why should you suffer just because he’s a dick, but if not the case then have some self respect and kick him out. He doesn’t like you, isn’t nice, cheats on you and you don’t love him

If you were in a financial bind, then I could sort of get you staying.
But blimey OP you are a woman of means. You could pay to get some help with your kids.
Why would such an independent woman who has achieved so much put up with this shit?
He suddenly adores you?
No, he’s worried about the roof over his head.
If you stay with this man now you are choosing a cheat.
He does not love you.
You do not love him.

Yeah, I can see why that would be the general consensus.. I just don’t know how I’d do Bathtime and bedtime etc on my own and for the minute - he’s another pair of hands to look after a crying child while I deal with the other.. Honestly, we could have a really nice life if this hadn’t happened and he spoke to me the way he speaks to her. Anyway, suppose the trust is gone now and it will eventually have to come to an end. Thank you

I'd be tempted to stay for now, keep gathering info. Get a job and DC in childcare, build social connections at work and get some financial independence. Once your working H should be splitting the childcare with you, have a weekend day to yourself each week to socialise and expand your network whilst he gets used to caring for the DC alone in preparation for when you split and he has his time with them.
Once you're there, you won't be parenting alone 90% of the time, H will have his time. You won't be lonely, you will have friends and work colleagues and you won't be dependent on him for money.

Tread carefully and make a good plan. And gift him 50% custody so that he can finally realise what you have been doing. I bet you anything she runs a mile when there are demanding (naturally) babies on the scene!

I have two little ones and I understand this OP. Being a single parent to two very small ones sounds impossible to me! Would he do 50/50 childcare if you split? As that might work if you decide to split sooner

You could hire a mothers help/babysitter to help you each evening and some weekend time, I’m sure you could find a student to help out either nursing or teaching students. I feel for you, he sounds totally selfish and he doesn’t love you or he would not act like he has.