Found messages and photos on partner's phone, unsure whether to confront

[SecretiveOne]

Me and my partner have 2 boys - 2.5 & 8 months.. the relationship hasn’t been great since I got pregnant with 2nd baby and even after his birth.. (he wasn’t particularly sympathetic when I was really poorly and suffering with GD & HG during pregnancy), we’ve discussed splitting up numerous times but this last time (a month ago), we agreed to try and make a genuine effort and stay together. I actually don’t want anyone else, would just like to him to be nicer to me and have more communication in the relationship (neither of which are his strong points, he’s not much of a sharer, feelings-wise). We recently started being more intimate again and I feel it’s improved things, I felt closer to him and hoped he would feel similar, I didn’t want to split up in the first place because I’m a SAHM and it’d be my worst nightmare to deal with 2 under 3’s 24/7 on my own (albeit I do 90% of all childcare now anyway - we have no help from family, the 2 year old does nursery 2 days a week).

My dilemma now is I’ve been looking through his phone and found numerous naked pictures saved in his camera roll all of one female, around late February time.. and since then, I’ve searched through all his messaging apps trying to find who this woman is - think I’ve cracked it, a woman from work.. I’ve read all their Teams messages (and since found the nude pictures in a locked WhatsApp chat) and it made my heart sink - he’s not the affectionate or complimentary type but with her it’s all “anytime, beautiful” and there was mention of him checking out her arse in the office and “are you okay?” .. “I am as long as you are xx”, even offering to take her out and mentions of “pillow talk”.. I don’t know if they’re sleeping together, he’s mentioned her in passing before but clearly really likes her - he never speaks to me the way he speaks to her, I’m treated as an inconvenience most the time or a nag.. it’s really upset me but now I don’t know what to do - the relationship feels better and I really really don’t wanna have to do this as a single parent, I’m not sure I love him, possibly never did but we’ve always been this way (started seeing each other in 2018, met at work..). If I confront him, it’s likely to blow up and I’ll end up alone, but we’ve got a holiday booked in July and I feel really betrayed. Part of me wants to not mention it and just keep reading the messages, because otherwise if he knows I’ve looked through his phone, he’ll change all his passcodes etc. I’m torn, upset and feel I need to discuss it with him but don’t want to split up.. any advice would be appreciated - thanks

You are in an ideal financial position to go it alone and dump your cheating, dishonest partner. He has betrayed you in every way possible and those explicit messages should be the final straw for you.

Of course he doesn't want to split up. He has had his cake and eaten is so many times and he thinks that he can stay and keep taking advantage of your largesse as long as he tells you that he didn't mean it and you're the one for him.

@SecretiveOne - you seem very clearsighted about this and you don't seem to have particularly strong feelings for your partner (which is perhaps a bit sad but helpful in this instance). So if it suits you for him to continue to live with you for now, go for it. Presumably you would be doing so with a view to splitting up in due course when your DCs are older and you feel more able to go it alone. Btw: like you, I feel that oral sex is at least as intimate as penetrative sex if not more so, so I get where you're coming from on that.

OP I’ve been where you are and I stayed for three years whilst I got less reliant on his help and got my finances in order. So there really is no wrong way but as you own the house and have your own assets, I would honestly encourage you to end this now. You aren’t sure you love him, he’s just saying whatever to avoid upending his current situation. I also felt weirdly indifferent about it as I had mentally detached. But you’ll doubt everything he says, every time he says he’s at the gym or at a conference. People don’t treat those they adore with disrespect and contempt.

I know how intimidating it is to face down coping alone at such intense ages but don’t underestimate how much peace this man robs from you and how much it will rob for you in future. When you eliminate that, it gives you so much strength back and you’ll get breaks when he has them. Also it is objectively harder on the kids when they’re older and more aware (but they’ll be fine, as will you). Honestly, don’t waste your time and go build yourself a wonderful happy life. This man will only block that for you the longer you stay. If you can’t do it now, have a target date.

Kick him out and have bith children sleep with you for a while. The toddler will stop waking up screaming because they are already safe with you. You don’t need your dp/stbex to hold the screaming toddler at night.

Look hard at this situation. You have two boys. Is this what you want them to see?

Advertise at the local universities for help. And look on babysitter.co.uk that’s where I found some amazing teens and students.
as for the nights I would have the toddler in the bedroom as well, when they wake they will be comforted by you being there and then not scream (I would think.) You could test the theory while he’s still there!

Presumably if you are renting out 3 properties, you are receiving some income from these, whilst you're on maternity leave? You know deep down the relationship is dead in the water. Your partner only stopped the affair because he got caught, if he hadn't, it would still be continuing. You don't appear to be utterly devastated, probably because you know the relationship is dead. Your partner is a liar and a cheat, he's checked out of the relationship emotionally and therefore the likelihood of him cheating again is high.

The way I see it, you have 2 choices:

1. Kick him out now, end the relationship and work towards co-parenting.
2. Bide your time, until you feel it's a better time, with regards to the children's ages...then kick him out and end the relationship.

If it was me, I'd perhaps wait until your youngest starts nursery, and you can work. You'll have a better idea on what childcare you may need and it would give you the opportunity to find someone reliable to help you in the evenings. In a way it's a form of 'getting your ducks in a row'. Once you are happy you have help in place etc, then you kick him out.

Get rid of him and make him co parent . He sounds awful and she sounds like a complete loser as well, knowing he was in a relationship with 2 small children . Pathetic the two of them. It’s not easy but he can’t just check out of being a parent if you dump him.

OP, kick him out!

You are in an amazing position. You’ve got your two babies you don’t ‘need’ another man for anything. You might want one but that can come in time, there is no race due to not having had children yet etc.

I became a single mum when DD was 2. You may disregard my post as I only have one, but I also lived in a falling down old cottage and got left with three dogs, some chickens and a cage of sodding gerbils, whilst working four long days a week and living rurally ie. A shop was a 15 min drive away.

It was hard but my goodness I’m so glad I did it. It gave me so much confidence. DD is nearly 6 now, she’s brilliant and I love her to pieces. We got on top of the house and coped with the pets (still got three dogs just about but done to two hens).

He is a disgusting human. He is only saying he was never going to leave you because he knows which side his bread is buttered. He could run off into the sunset with her. If the house was his and the rentals he wouldn’t be rowing back now.

Some men don't know or don't appreciate what they have. For lots of other men you'd be a gift sent from heaven (even with two toddlers!). This relationship and him have clearly affected your self esteem and you're convinced you'll be better staying with a checked out narcissistic cheater than getting out. You definitely will be okay getting out. Being a single parent is hard but also staying with a shitty husband is hard. Short term pain for long term gain, you can gain confidence in coping alone and eventually you'll get a chance to meet people who appreciate you and love you and can be equal partners and make you feel better about yourself rather than worse. Just my opinion.

I've found this thread really sad. You only live once OP and life is too short to stay in something that you seem to know is not right for you. You & your children deserve better than sticking around with a man who can intimately cheat on you. Makes no difference that they haven't had full sex, his mouth and her mouth have been places that are just as intimate as full-blown sex.

I've been a single parent since my kids were similar ages to yours. It is tough, I won't lie, but you can't put a price on peace of mind, your dignity and your self-respect! You are in a much better position than I was financially and I managed just fine as do thousands upon thousands of other women. You'll work the routines out as you go on and it doesn't sound like he does a lot anyway! I co-slept with both my kids in the bed when it all got too much and they are now happy, healthy, independent young adults - no lasting damage was done by just doing what suited us at the time.

No judgement for staying if it makes your life easier OP, but if you're open to hearing practical advise I'd:

• make him get an STI test
• get one yourself
• go on birth control asap. Even if he's repulsive to you right now, it just takes one moment of madness. If he sees a shot of staying he'll be love bombing the shit out of you.
• start charging more. He's been getting mate rates at £500 a month IMO, certainly enough to allow him to buy his own house.
• save save save, for a financial security net. Not just your money - get him to buy as much as you can to offset the financial load on you.
• take advantage of the help while you have it. Any DIYs, or jobs you wanted him to do, get him to do it while he thinks there's a future he's saving.
• save a copy of all his financials, in case you need CMS in future.
• line up help to make your life easier if you do split. E.g. evening nanny, cleaner, meal delivery.
• work on routines until you can handle it yourself. Then you don't have to stay if you don't want too. E.g. bath in morning instead of before bed. Pre-made dinners. A pull out bed under yours for the toddler to dive on too if he's joining you.

Just because they havent had full sex doesnt mean its any less of a betrayal. I couldn't stay with someone knowing so much & being lied to like that. You need to respect yourself and move on, kick him out. He sounds like utter scum who im sure is expecting you to forgive him & he will carry on soon enough.

Sounds like financially, you're fine. Its the hands on help - which i totally understand. But women are made of pretty strong stuff, it may be tough but not impossible.

OP, can I just say how totally in awe of you I ma, with your degree and HGV licence?

Whatever happens you have property, talent, education, cool skills - you will be OK!

Weirdly, this thread was the next one along on my screen…

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5528019-let-me-tell-you-what-an-absolute-twat-he-is-and-share-your-own-tales-of-twattery?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share