How can I address my wife's worsening hygiene and lack of contribution?

[Meloniusthunk]

I’m really at my wit’s end, I just don’t know what to do, wondering if anyone can offer advice. My wife and I have been married for over 30 years and she has always been lazy with housework, she never cooks, she only bathes once a week, sometimes only once a fortnight. We have separate bedrooms and she hasn’t changed her bedsheets since Christmas and they are covered in stains. She uses a urine bottle in her bedroom, not because she’s disabled, but because she has one of the cats sleep with her and doesn’t want to open the door to let her out. She hasn’t cleaned the bottle out for weeks and her room stinks of old piss. There are cat vomit and shit stains on her carpet which she doesn’t clean properly. She has always been an untidy person but her lack of hygiene and general lack of caring for herself or anything around the house is really starting to grind me down. We both work, she has just gone back to full time after a year off, during which time she still did nothing. I only work part-time – 5 days a week for 4 hours a day. I do all the cleaning, cooking and house maintenance. She only does anything if I ask her to, and then does it badly or shoddily. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable to have standards, which aren’t particularly high. We own our own very nice detached house and are both reasonably intelligent – just normal people. Can any offer any advice as to how I can get her to contribute more, or at least take better care of herself? I have a heart condition and have been in hospital a few times and I dread coming home sometimes because I know the house will be in a mess when I get home and have to do everything myself. Thank you for reading.

Why were you asking how to address her habits if you already have done, multiple times?

I still don't understand why she can't open the door and potentially let the cat out in order to go to the toilet

I was hoping for ideas I haven't tried. Mumsnetters come up with some fantastic suggestions on how to convince a recalcitrant partner to mend their ways. 😀

OP you have been concerned enough, ie you know it's not a healthy way to live for her but when people very understandably say it's not a healthy way to live, you push back on it and don't listen.
What do you actually want from this thread?
Most people would not be okay with their wife not showering, stinking and peeing in a bottle.
It's just not normal behaviour.
Do you actually want her to change or are you happy to live like this. It's baffling that you do live like this and baffling you assist her in doing it.

What's stopping you changing the sheets? I know ideally she would but she's not so why don't you?

She pisses in a bottle, doesn't wash and sleeps in filthy sheets in a room covered in shit and piss. She is definitely a minger despite being kind, caring etc.
It is genuinely gross and you are allowing her to disrespect you like this.

No, there is no rational explanation for it, there really isn't. the reason you gave is completely and utterly irrational. Stop excusing her vile behaviour. By validating it you're enabling it.

You say you do everything together, yesterday you complain about her hygiene. I couldn't bear to be in the same room as someone who's not bathed for a a fortnight. She must absolutely reek. Tell her to go and have a bath or a shower or else you won't give her your company. If she values that then she'll do it. Failing that get adult social services involved, as she's clearly incapable of the most basic self care.

You sound like such a nice man and your wife clearly had some great attributes. It is very much not an equal partnership though. As you say you are at your wits end, worried about how you will manage given your own health issues etc. Its a worsening situation which must be scary. I am wondering if discussing it more as a relationship issue, as opposed to a practical problem, may hit home more? As you say she is an intelligent woman who loves you. This just seems to be how you've rolled as a couple and it's worked well enough up till now. These roles have hit very entrenched , as they do. but now something is changing as you age. Partnership and equality are the cornerstones of successful relationships. As a bright and caring woman I think she could understand that? And if you properly explain how this is now impacting on you, physically, emotionally and mentally, it sounds like she may love and respect you enough to truly listen. I really hope so

Have you ever got angry or upset with her? Do you have adult children who could intervene on your behalf?

As you have only ever broached her total lack of hygiene kindly and tentatively, she may not be aware how badly it is affecting you.

It is very unusual for a woman with no mental health difficulties and a middle-class lifestyle with no financial concerns to be so cavalier about her own hygiene. I don't think that laziness is a good enough explanation as most extremely lazy people still care enough about social norms to keep themselves clean.

What do visitors to your house say? People are asking questions on this thread and you are ignoring them and it’s making me for one believe she does not like you one bit anymore

I think any person without MH issues (and most with) would recognise this isn’t usual behaviour. People don’t piss in a bottle in their bedroom and they definitely don’t leave the bottle of piss there for weeks. People also don’t generally wash weekly- that’s grim. It’s also unfair to expect you to do all of the housework when you also work and she doesn’t.

I think she needs a lot of professional help.

If this is a real situation and not a wind up, then you really need to understand that everything you have said about your other half is not okay.

No woman is going to choose to piss in a bottle because it's convenient for a cat. No adult, really, without dysfunctional cognition would choose this action.

No adult is going to not change their sheets and leave stains on them, not do anything else in the home and just exist and convince anyone that this is typical behaviour.

Not bathing is equally disturbing.

Does your wife have MH issues that you have not realised?

I'm sorry about your heart issues and this domestic issue. It's wildly unhealthy.

Can you please explain a bit more about the cat? You say you understand perfectly why she doesn't want to let him out of the bedroom but haven't given an explanation for this. It might give us more insight into the underlying reason for her behaviour and we need this before we can advise further. It sounds like she is neurodiverse to me. Have you read about autism/adhd? Do you recognise any traits?

If she does have undiagnosed autism a diagnosis or at least talking it through could really help her.
Advice below on self care in people with sensory issues around washing.
www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/physical-health/keeping-healthy

@Meloniusthunk there is absolutely no reason why any able bodied human being should be peeing in a bottle .
Also sounds like the cat lives in the bedroom .
The way you and your wife live your lives is not normal or healthy.
Your wife may be nice person, however her/her behaviours are totally disgusting.
It’s worrying you don’t see it.

You say she's kind but what's kind about expecting your partner to do all the housework alone ? What's kind sbout subjecting them to filthy smells? Its not kind to not even clean your own body so that you're not offensive to them.

OP you call her lazy but do you mean completely unmotivated, which is related to difficulties with executive functioning. Has she ever had health concerns, brain injury, cognitive impairment, neurodiversity, mental ill health, trauma? A combination of these? Does she have sensory issues or trauma triggers related to getting into the shower?

if there is a reason that the cat is in the room is related to other animals in the house? Because there seem indications of anxiety/depression there too. I mean the cat in the room is unsustainable. Sounds like she has anxiety about the cat not being cared for.

Is she happy? Does she have any insight into social norms around hygiene or how distressing this is to you?

I know that you say that you never argue but could it also be true that you avoid discussing things that may upset each other? Extreme passivity is just as damaging to a relationship as arguing IMO.

But when people have made suggestions, you’re ignoring them. I wrote a reply suggesting you have a white board of chores or use an app. I suggested you change the flooring in her room. You’ve not replied. I’m not really sure what you want?

Exactly. I suggested a cleaner so what about that OP? I’m not sure what he wants either

I've not read all the replies so it might have already been asked but I hope I'm going to come at it from a different perspective to some.

There is clearly 'something' going on for her.

But it is true that this behaviour is extreme and would suggest to me an incapacity rather than just not caring.

If she works, she is clearly managing some aspects of 'normal life'.

I'd be curious to know what form the conversations have taken when you've previously spoken about them?

As a possible solution, I'd suggest sitting down and discussing as equals. Not as you asking her to be different or why she does or doesn't do x, y or z or telling her what she needs to do but suggesting a solution you are both part of. What shall.we do first today? I'm going to do X, what are you going to do? Set a timer - 30 mins with you both doing something that needs doing.

Establish a routine. Eg all bedlinen is stripped on a Saturday morning and washed. Make it a non negotiable. That will feel overwhelming and excessive to her to start with if she hasn't changed it since Christmas. So maybe aim for fortnightly to begin with.

Urine bottle is emptied out before work.

Whatever else is needed.

Make lists, tackle issues one at a time, make them specific (eg strip bed, empty bottle) rather than tidy/clean your bedroom. Don't try making or expecting big changes in one go.

Build in rewards (that she has chosen). Not because she's a child and needs incestivising like one but because we all feel better if we incentivise ourselves with rewards for little wins - mine is always a cup of tea in the garden when I've finished a task I didn't want to do! For some people it's a new book, lipstick, cake, a glass of wine, watching a favourite programme whatever.

Part of the problem is that when things become so big, it's hard to know where to start or even see the smaller incremental stuff.

I once worked with a woman who told.me she was in £35k of debt but she had just spent £3k on a sofa becaise she fell in love with it. I asked her why. She said that, when you're in that much debt, it just becomes numbers and what's the difference between £35k debt and £38k? (Er, £3k more debt?)

It didn't make sense to me at the time but I got home and looked at my kitchen table that was covered in crap. When the table is empty, one coffee cup stands out and has to be moved. But when the table is covered in crap, one coffee cup isn't even noticeable anymore.

There is a reason why she is like this though. Until you address that or find a way of working together to improve it, it isn't going to change.

It seems that he wants to be told his wife’s revolting behaviour is not actually that bad.

Some further questions; if you wouldn t mind answering please??The purpose being to have you really think about this situation you are effectively ignoring.
Does she at the very least wash daily?
Change her clothing daily?
I presume you take care of laundry, so at the very least her clothes are fresh.
Does she groom her hair/ put make up on??
Does your wife have any interest in her appearance?
Does she seek/enjoy compliments?
Do you comment on her appearance, wether positively or negitavely??
Do you have any intimacy together??
Does she ever come into your bedroom??
Do you ever leave the house together to socialise with friends?
Do your friends come into your house??
Have friends ever confided with you/ tried to broach this subject, with either of you ??
Who empties the cat litter tray??
The urine bottle requires emtying daily too ( size),are you saying she doesn t rinse it out after emptying??
There must be malodour in your home.You may be trying to mask it with air fresheners which I assure you won t work.
How very strange this whole scenario feels to most of us contributing here.
I really think you are very disillusioned thinking you are a normal married couple; very in love and apart from this 1 ( absolutely massive ) issue, you are very happily married.Now really reflect on all of the above.
You have a good think.You really need to have a firm and serious talk with her; a degree of assertiveness is absolutely required

Some solutions to include in the discussion-
There are commodes avail for use in a bedroom if so required.( to be emptied and cleaned with bleach daily)
Tell her, her bedroom is unhygienic and requires flooring if she is to continue with the current arrangement with the cat.
Inform her, her room smells, she requires to change bedding weekly.
Request she showers daily.
I know you do everything else in the house; however it sounds like living with a teenager and there requires to be a solution to this awful issue.You should be aware you are likely nose blind.
The smell from your wife s bedroom will be throughout the house.
In kindness to your wife and yourself you must talk to her .
Be open and honest and tell her how disgusted you are with it all.
Perhaps not an ultimatum ,but offer to help her work through whatever is going on.
I fear she needs professional help.

I'm sorry but she is a skank.
Someone who isn't washing, cleaning their clothes or bedding is a skank, no matter how wonderful they are in other ways.
Surely her work colleagues notice?
People who don't wash, smell. They just do.
Especially if they sleep in piss soaked bedding.

Does she go out to work unwashed or does she wfh? You both need help urgently and have fallen into complete denial re your situation.

Dear All.
I was going to abandon this thread – it upsets me greatly that the woman I love and cherish is being called a skank and a minger, amongst other things, and she is none of these. Some extremely nice people have left some very well thought out responses, with some very useful suggestions and I would consider myself churlish if I didn’t respond. I also don’t use the pc very often, and we have don’t have a very good internet connection, or satellite signal.
Firstly, the pee bottle and cat in the bedroom thing. We live in a very old house, over 400 years old, built by my 12 x great grandfather and all generations of my family have lived here. It’s huge, and very sprawling - her bedroom is a long way from the nearest bathroom and the hallways are cold and draughty. We’re both cracking on a bit now, and need the loo more often. She does a job with sometimes very long hours and if she kept on traipsing to the bathroom, she’d never get any sleep. The cat is only in her bedroom temporarily. We rescued two very young kittens and one night they escaped and one was trampled to death in the barn by one of our rescue donkeys. My wife was devastated, so keeps the other with her until he’s big enough to know better.
Regarding work, we both work on a nearby charity-run farm – me voluntarily, and her as a paid job. She’s qualified in animal husbandry. Currently, she’s been looking after 10 kune kune piglets whose mum rejected them, and they take up a lot of her time. She comes home at 10pm, then is out again at 4am. So far, they have not complained about her personal hygiene! She is one of those people who cares for everybody and everything except herself. Yes, our house (and her!) are probably a bit whiffy, but all our friends are farmers and rural workers and don’t always smell delicately perfumed themselves. That’s our life, and we’re very content with it.
Regarding intimacy, due to my heart condition, our “date nights in” have to be planned ahead to an extent, and for these she does the full scrub and spruce up routine, and even after 35 years together, for me, she rates a 10/10 on the international hubba hubba scale. Because of one thing and another, we haven’t been out for a social since christmas.
The upshot of all this is as follows. We had a good long chat, and have decided to forego our holiday this year to visit her new grand-niece in Australia and put the money into building an en-suite to her bedroom. I’ve got contractors coming over next week, but it will be difficult and very expensive to do because there are restrictions on what we can do in a listed building. The stained carpet, which is actually a 150 year old huge rug, will be collected to be professionally cleaned and restored. The miscreant moggie will be big enough to be safer outside when it returns. We will also be interviewing housekeepers in the near future. We are not cash rich, so I will be selling my beloved vintage car left to me by my grandfather to pay for stuff. And that’s about it! Thank you all for your suggestions, sorry for the essay but I think we’re all good now.