How can I address my wife's worsening hygiene and lack of contribution?

[Meloniusthunk]

I’m really at my wit’s end, I just don’t know what to do, wondering if anyone can offer advice. My wife and I have been married for over 30 years and she has always been lazy with housework, she never cooks, she only bathes once a week, sometimes only once a fortnight. We have separate bedrooms and she hasn’t changed her bedsheets since Christmas and they are covered in stains. She uses a urine bottle in her bedroom, not because she’s disabled, but because she has one of the cats sleep with her and doesn’t want to open the door to let her out. She hasn’t cleaned the bottle out for weeks and her room stinks of old piss. There are cat vomit and shit stains on her carpet which she doesn’t clean properly. She has always been an untidy person but her lack of hygiene and general lack of caring for herself or anything around the house is really starting to grind me down. We both work, she has just gone back to full time after a year off, during which time she still did nothing. I only work part-time – 5 days a week for 4 hours a day. I do all the cleaning, cooking and house maintenance. She only does anything if I ask her to, and then does it badly or shoddily. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable to have standards, which aren’t particularly high. We own our own very nice detached house and are both reasonably intelligent – just normal people. Can any offer any advice as to how I can get her to contribute more, or at least take better care of herself? I have a heart condition and have been in hospital a few times and I dread coming home sometimes because I know the house will be in a mess when I get home and have to do everything myself. Thank you for reading.

I think it depends what the cause is.
Some people weren't raised to know how to keep themselves clean. Others, it's a trauma response. Or it could be depression.

I would lay my cards on the table and tell her if it doesn’t improve then you separate. Nobody should be expected to live in a relationship like this, if the reason is depression then she seeks help .

Gosh that sounds really hard to live with @Meloniusthunk. I just couldn’t do it. Has it been a gradual thing? Does she work from home because it’s hard to imagine an employer tolerating someone who goes through phases of only bathing once a fortnight.

I agree though it sounds like severe depression. The urinating in a bottle thing is way, way outside the spheres of normal behaviour.

can you persuade her to get help? Proper psychiatric help, not just Counselling.

I’d say it’s very unusual for a healthy, happy woman to live like that. What is the rest of your relationship like?

This is now so bad, I don't know there's a 'nice' way to address this.
I'm more of a sort your shit out or I'm leaving person, so probably not best placed to advise...

How is she functioning at work and in her relationships with others. Does anyone ever comment on the fact she's in a terrible state; or is she just hiding from the world?

I'd like to say though, that I'm sorry you're lumbered with this. Unless severely ill and happy for me to clean them, I couldn't tolerate this in a partner 💐.

why didn’t she work for a year? Does she have MH issues?

Assuming no MH concerns, I think I would call time on the relationship

I'm amazed you haven't divorced her years ago. What are you waiting for?

Thanks for your answers so far, and to answer a few questions - she has always been an untidy person, but I can live with untidy. We've been happily married for 30 years, nothing has really changed. We're good friends as well as spouses and we enjoy each other's company. I don't think it's depression, or if it is, I have no idea why. We have a good life, not rich, but comfortable - no money worries. I've laid my cards on the table so many times, she does a few bits, then stops again. I understand the peeing in a bottle thing, but I don't understand the not cleaning it out thing. She's perfectly happy in her life, work and friends, but we don't have separate friends - we do everything together and always have done

I’d say that is extreme. I have never known anyone live like that and I have lived in lots of shared houses over the years where some people were mingers but not peeing in bottles and leaving it. I was also wondering why she didn’t work for a year. I would say that is not ‘normal people’ standards.

I had a heart attack and she walked out of her job because she had an argument with her boss when her boss did something stupid and she called her out on it. Her boss didn't like it. Her boss was a bitch and I agreed with her walking out.

Because I love her very much.

This is very hard for me because our relationship seems to be unusual in comparison to most of those I read about on here, or see on tv. We love each other, we're great friends, in 30 years we've never argued or had differences of opinions in any major way and we do everything together and like it that way.

Is your dw on Mumsnet? Are you hoping she’ll read this post?

So tell her how you feel about her habits, and why.

No she's not, and never looks at this site.

Is this for real? If she's truly manky and goes out to work her colleagues will soon be telling her or HR will.

Can you get a cleaner, shame might drive her to clean up, if only because she doesn't want a stranger to see.

We own our own very nice detached house and are both reasonably intelligent – just normal people.

There's absolutely nothing normal about an able bodied person pissing in a bottle in their bedroom...utterly grim. You're very tolerant OP, it doesn't sound like your wife wants to change. I couldn't live like that.

I've done this many times over the years. Behaviour changes for a short time, then reverts. She just doesn't seem bothered about her own well-being but cares a lot about mine in all other respects.

If you have never argued as you say it could be you are very passive? Most people would have words over her behaviours. Are you an enabler?

Now, if the sexes were reversed, the DH would have been called every name under the sun by now.

With respect the relationship you describe having isn't showing in having separate bedrooms and presumably given her hygiene no intimate life...

I fully understand the reason why she does it, and I have no problem with it. It's the not cleaning it out on a daily basis that bugs me. Her bedroom stinks but she doesn't seem to notice, or care that it does.

How does a woman pee in a bottle?

Is she a hoarder too?

The fact you are making endless excuses for her behaviour shows that you know things aren’t going to change . Weeing in a bottle when fully able to use the toilet is frankly disgusting. It’s in no way normal but you see no problem with it .