How can I address my wife's worsening hygiene and lack of contribution?

[Meloniusthunk]

I’m really at my wit’s end, I just don’t know what to do, wondering if anyone can offer advice. My wife and I have been married for over 30 years and she has always been lazy with housework, she never cooks, she only bathes once a week, sometimes only once a fortnight. We have separate bedrooms and she hasn’t changed her bedsheets since Christmas and they are covered in stains. She uses a urine bottle in her bedroom, not because she’s disabled, but because she has one of the cats sleep with her and doesn’t want to open the door to let her out. She hasn’t cleaned the bottle out for weeks and her room stinks of old piss. There are cat vomit and shit stains on her carpet which she doesn’t clean properly. She has always been an untidy person but her lack of hygiene and general lack of caring for herself or anything around the house is really starting to grind me down. We both work, she has just gone back to full time after a year off, during which time she still did nothing. I only work part-time – 5 days a week for 4 hours a day. I do all the cleaning, cooking and house maintenance. She only does anything if I ask her to, and then does it badly or shoddily. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable to have standards, which aren’t particularly high. We own our own very nice detached house and are both reasonably intelligent – just normal people. Can any offer any advice as to how I can get her to contribute more, or at least take better care of herself? I have a heart condition and have been in hospital a few times and I dread coming home sometimes because I know the house will be in a mess when I get home and have to do everything myself. Thank you for reading.

I have had words on many occasions, it never seems to have any long-lasting effect on her behaviour. I wouldn't say I'm passive, I was a paramedic for 20 years. Neither of us are the argumentative types, just very easy going.

This!!

I’m sorry but I couldn’t live like that. It sounds utterly disgusting. I think the only way you could get past this is if she seeks professional help. Kindly, there is nothing normal about how she lives and I’m amazed no one in her life has pulled her up on it. Does she have friends and family that she sees? Haven’t they ever commented?

The peeing in a bottle thing is horrible. Without being too graphic, there are going to be drips on the carpet so no wonder it smells.
Surely her colleagues must smell her too?

I think as you say you want to make things work, then maybe a chore chart which you can both tick off daily? I use an app called “tidy” to remind me to do household stuff (I have MH issues and have to force myself) and that’s really helpful to remind me to do things I might forget. If you set up something that covers the whole house then you can cover her room too? So “oh it is Saturday, bed changing day. Grab your sheets and I’ll put them in the wash” etc?

Practically, change the flooring in her room to vinyl or even laminate so it can be mopped.

I am sure I read something v similar recently where it was the DH who was as OP describes.

I would leave. She's a filthy minger and it would utterly repulse me.

First have her room refurnished. Then:

Have the whole house deep cleaned periodically- say once a month.

As there's no money worries this should not be a problem.

Your wife can then continue as she is, and you know that once a month things get a kind of cleaning reset .

Now the only problem is whether you wife would permit her room to be refurbished then cleaned regularly? If she will not, then you have a problem...

There's no point talking about the problem with your wife , you say you have done that and only a temporary change happened.

It's a proper urine bottle with an attached funnel-shaped thingy especially for women to use. Honestly, I know why she pees in the bottle and there's a perfectly rational explanation for it. It's the not cleaning it out on a daily basis that's the problem.

I’m so glad you love her and your relationship is good apart from the hygiene and cleaniness issues.
Could you get a cleaner so that the house is kept clean without either of you having to do it?
Could you agree some minimum levels of acceptable hygiene like bath/shower every day?
If she loves you then she must be prepared to make some changes to save the relationship?
Maybe show her this thread if she is in any doubt of what others think is acceptable so it’s not just you nagging her?

How does a woman pee in a bottle?
Messily!!
sorry but the cat thing makes no sense and could never be normal nor understandable.

Well he loves her so it doesn’t matter what you think of her

Her poor cat! (slightly missing the point, perhaps)

If you lay your cards on the table there also needs to be a “so what”. To date, you’ve told her how you feel and you have also demonstrated that her lack of change in behaviour also has zero impacts for your relationship. You need to have some kind of a minimum bar of engagement and activity on her part otherwise [insert ramification]. You’ve also demonstrated that whatever she does you’ll stick by her.

so you need to decide - can you live like this forever- accepting who she is and what she does in which case this conversation is moot; or are you going to draw a line and have some kind of a “so what” - ie. No sustained change in 6 months, I’m moving out.

I think you’re being far too generous. It is not normal or under her to pee in a bottle in her room to avoid opening the door because of the cat. Let alone not emptying it. It’s vile and shows a lack of respect for herself and for you.

but if this isn’t a deal breaker, and it doesn’t appear to be, she’s not going to change.

She is not actually functioning you can see that? There is an underlying reason for that - can that be addressed?

I imagine it's a medical bottle , bit like a she wee.

OP , can you help her clean? I can't believe she hasn't got something else going on like depression. Maybe it feels too overwhelming.

Surely she must stink to high heaven if she is only washing once a week at the very most (sometimes every two weeks). Does this alone not put you off or have you gone nose blind?

She seems determined to continue as she is. Your choice is to stay or leave her. You repeat that you love her and enjoy her company so I guess you will stay. I wouldn't.

Why would you want to stay married to this disgusting skank?

She clearly doesn’t give a shit about you. If she did she’d help out around the house, and treat it and you with respect by cleaning herself and her environment. I bet her new colleagues just love sharing space with her.

You’re enabling her by putting up with it.

Pissing in a bottle solely to prevent your cat from leaving the room, with the result that it can’t access its own toilet, is ridiculous and disgusting.

This is really not normal on so many levels. To ‘choose’ to live like that indicates some massive deep rooted issues - and you’ll only see improvement if she addresses them. You say you’ve made it clear you’d like it to improve, she gets even worse, you stay. What else is there to do? She needs therapy. Personally I couldn’t do everything together and be madly in love with someone not addressing their mental health for 30 years. I don’t know how it’s just rolled along like this, she must stink! It’s incredibly unhealthy how she’s living, and your passivity is enabling it. Take her to the GP or get her to book therapy. If she refuses, she isn’t prioritising you or herself.

I think if you've challenged this before and she hasn't changed, you have to decide whether you can live with this, as everything else sounds pretty good, or break up. And my answer would be the same regardless of the sexes involved.

Op surely you can ask her ' why she hasn't changed the bedding ' and then say the carpet needs cleaning and theres a terrible smell coming from the room , that's OK to say op

You’re asking how to address it, but you already have, multiple times?

The peeing in a bottle so as to not let the cat out of a room, makes me worry about the cat …